MORRISSEY DEPRESSES THE MOORE

BUT FIRST! This week's new drag names: Snatcha Wallet. Tess Tosterona. Imma Butthurt. Erma Gherd. Thank you! I really needed to get that shit off my chest. Jesus.

So why the hell are we talking about Morrissey in a, like, TOTALLY GAY nightlife column, anyway? Huh? I mean, IT'S TOTALLY GAY. A mystery. Moore, 7:30 pm, $62.50–$82.50, all ages.

SHOWGIRLS 2: PENNY'S FROM HEAVEN

Okay, so anyway, Showgirls 2. Yes, you effing read that effing correctly: effing SHOWGIRLS effing 2! Yes, I know. You didn't think it was possible. You thought it couldn't be! We all did. We were all so very foolish.

Let me get you up to speed (if you're, like, dim or whatever): There is this guy called David Schmader. He's a Mr. Funnypants is what! And never is he funnypantsier than when he is doing what the good lord Shesus put him on this earth to do: "advanced noticing." It's a formidable talent. Rather scary, really. And he takes these very advanced "advanced noticing" skills and aims them mercilessly at something completely ridiculous. Like a movie. He looks at it, guts it, rips it limb from bloody limb, and sucks every scrumptious morsel of unintentionally hilarious marrow from its quivering corpse for your pleasure. Like the movie Showgirls—an epic film about a slut, her dog-food habit, and spastic pool sex. And what a wondrous thing it is! (David is regarded as "the foremost authority" on the subject, which I am sure is worth more than a PhD in Obama's economy.) His side-along commentary to that towering piece of cinematic horseshit is a towering pile of fabulous—it's so good, it's even featured on the Showgirls 15th Anniversary Sinsational Edition. And, for utterly baffling reasons, THEY MADE AN EFFING SEQUEL. I personally choose to believe that they did it just to give David more fodder, a goal which I wholeheartedly support. And so! Tonight, David will walk us through the boob-rich, casino-y world of Penny Slot (speaking of new drag names...), a slut who dreams of dancing on TV. (And I don't know if Gina Gershon or Puppy Chow will be making an appearance, please don't ask.) Central Cinema, 8 pm, $10 adv/$12 DOS, all ages.