DICKSLAP RIDES THE 0-14

All right! Now which one of you silly firebugging little buggers went all pyromaniac on Neighbours' ass on NYE? Hands? Anyone? Well. I have a strong feeling that it was one of my millions of ex-boyfriends that I met there over the last two hundred a fiddy or so thousand years (in order to cover up the scene of the crime, you understand), and I suggest that any and all authorities involved begin aggressively investigating all of them immediately. Check their text histories, watch them sleep and poop, junk like that. Please contact me for more information. Thank you. (Kidding! Kidding. You couldn't find most of my exes, hard as you tried... they have a curious way of vanishing from the face of the planet. So strange!)

Anyhooters, here we are, already up to our shapely ankles in 2014, and it's time for this hiney New Year's very first Dickslap, a certified Adrian Ryan Approved Event™ (bow your heads for a moment of reflection—and to stretch those neck muscles. You'll need 'em). As ever, this one features a guest superstar DJ: Jimi Jaxon, a local (for a change—the guest spinners usually hail from faraway someplace elses) who is well-known for passionate eclecticism, and who tells us he'll be playing "sassy euphoric house with a hard edge and techno." But mostly? We go because of go-go boy BABY BEAR'S WORLD-CLASS ASS. Face it. The Eagle, 9 pm, $5, 21+.

LE FAUX

Aren't you just so sick of not going to Le Faux? ME, TOO! Have you been lately? It's fucking delightful—Kristie Champagne and Isaac Scott co-ho'stess, Jaxen Brown does a mean Cher, Gabrielle Sanchez is a sexy dancing phenom... and, yes, it's true that the crowd can run a little screaming-white-gurl/wasted-bachelorette-party-ish, but skipping it because of that would be just a goddamn shame. Julia's is under-recognized for being a haven for dragsters to be properly pruned and nurtured, and the show they put on is dazz-a-ling. Julia's, $25–$35, 10 pm, 21+.

MATCH GAME, SEATTLE

Match Game used to be all our own, but now we have to share it with Portland (never heard of it), so it's extra important to get our butts down to Re-bar to enjoy it, because FUCK PORTLAND. You know the drill: Local notables in freakish costumes pit wits in the classic '60s game-show style. See it, or you're a total BLANKING BLANK. Blank, blank. Re-bar, $12, 7 pm, 21+.