BIG HAIR AND ACID-WASHED BULGES
I KNOW! We are the luckiest freaks in the whole wide weeping world! Or at least I am—it's like this week was totally made for me. Like the universe is catering to my every weird little whim! Practically all of my very favorite junk that ever happens in town is happening this week—well, except for the appearance by RuPaul's Drag Race cutie-patootie-pants Adore Delano, which was supposed to be on Friday, because she had to cancel and rush off to deal with some pretty serious stuff, so we can't even be fucking mad at her about it. That's one big honkin' bummer. (She's rescheduled for, ugh, late January... WE COULD ALL BE DEAD BY THEN!) But everything else? GOLDEN. Appropriately, the magic begins tonight with enormous hair and acid-washed everything. It's Central Cinema's Men of the '80s Sing-Along! Now, you all know I loves me some Central Cinema sing-alongs (the whimsy! The madness! The boozes! The rubbing up against sexy strangers when everyone jumps up and dances drunkenly in the aisles!), and this one is all about the hunks of that long-ago time when crimpers ruled the earth and Prince wasn't half so annoying. George Michael (before he turned into some sort of human mealworm)! Billy Idol (who is exactly the same)! Adam Ant (please don't ask)! It's going to get messy, missy. Wonderfully, deliciously messy. Central Cinema, 8 pm, $10, all ages.
WITCHIN' IN THE PARK
If you haven't been to Three Dollar Bill's free movies in Cal Anderson Park, you have totally lost at life. Tonight is one of your last chances to redeem your sorry self before the summer dies and they pack it in for the season, and they are showing one of the most awesome horrible films of the '80s—Teen Witch! Zelda Rubinstein! More gigantic '80s hair! The most unintentionally hilarious rap battle in history! And you know that I'm just a sucker for ANYTHING witches. Cal Anderson Park, dusk, free, all ages.
GREMLINS IN THE DERBY
Yes, Brown Derby is spoofing Gremlins this time. I can barely even wrap my brain around how hilarious this is going to be. Here is a pretty great indicator, though: Jackie Hell is playing the evil gremlin Spike. BWA-HA-HA! Too perfect. Directed, narrated, and totally effed up by Ian Bell. Three nights only! Re-bar, 7 pm, $20 cash at the door, 21+, Aug 21–23. 
