Kelly O

The Queer Issue: You're Doing It Wrong

Queer Issue 2011

Horny Undergrads

Racist Queers

Sexist Queers

HRC

Queers Who Sleep with Straight People

Bisexuals

Trans Advocates

Straight-Wedding Boycotters

Homophobes

'Glee'

A nuclear rainbow of queer-flavored insanity is about to sear the retinas right out of your head and blow your little gay brain apart. IT'S PRIDE! Seattle Pride gots it all, ladypants: stuff for hardcore partyers! And for moderately hardcore partyers! Stuff for irredeemable geeks! And freaks! For the interminably horny! For the beige and rather boring! For the desperately underage! For the I-Just-Want-to-Make-a-Sane-Political-Statement-with-a-T-shirt people. Something for practically every homo-freak imaginable, thank you, plus sprinkles. And as usual, it begins with a bar crawl, and ends in enlightenment for all humanity. That's just how we queers roll.

recommendedmeans we like it. DON'T MISS means we love it.

THURSDAY 6/23

recommended Ruckus

We begin all new and fresh-feeling with a brand-spankin' new thing at a brand-spankin' fresh establishment featuring a venerable murder (don't you know that homos travel in murders, like crows?) of brilliant talent bent on one purpose only: to sex you up and make your fanny shake. The new place in question is called Grim's, and its pride kickoff event will feature the dazzling talents of DJ Skiddle (of C89.5 fame, mostly) and Colby B (in from NYC!), and more, nightly, depending—this ambitious party is scheduled to run EVERY night of Pride weekend, you see, with special features nightly! New artists! New music! New fun! Lisa Dank! Secret Shoppers! Each night is a treasure—and a mystery. DJ Skiddle sums it up: "Ruckus is like the perfect dildo: won't stretch you too thin, and gets you ready for a long weekend of action. And I'm debuting my mixtape for the first time on Seattle!" Durty. Grim's, 1512 11th Ave, 9 pm, $10 adv/ $15 DOS/$30 all four days, 21+.

recommended The First Annual Olive Way Gay Pride Hill Climb

Well, this "hill climb" is really a pub crawl, encompassing several delightful gay bars that are all smushed close together—the new C.C. Attle's (1701 E Olive Way; she has risen!), the Crescent (1413 E Olive Way; I pray they've learned to manage the stench), the new Bleu Bistro's Grotto (1801 E Olive Way; lovely!), Tommy Gun (1703 E Olive Way; never been), and the Elite (1520 E Olive Way; my favorite!)—all of which have combined forces and are promising to chuck cover charges right out the window for all three days of Pride. Even though I'm not sure any of 'em ever HAD cover charges. (I'd eat a frozen turd sandwich before I'd pay to get into the Crescent. God love it.) Various locations, free, 21+.

Boogaloo Blitz

(DON'T MISS) Okay, yes, the name of the thing is a towering pile of lame covered in steaming lamesauce. However! The talent involved is certainly not, the scene is definitely not, and the whole mess is gonna be hot, hot, HOT. Indeed! Just a few days after Terry "It Gets Better" Miller rocked the walls apart at the FRED Wildlife Preserve with the Trouble Pre-Pride Bouncy Ball (what a PARTY!), DJ Nark and crew invade the FRED space for your booty-shakin' Pride delight. Lisa Dank! Vockah Redu in from ol' New Orleans! The incomparable Jackie Hell! DJ L.A. Kendall of the Qulture Qreative crew! And hosted by "The Best Fucking Performer in Seattle™," Jinkx Monsoon! FRED Wildlife Preserve, 127 Boylston Ave E, 9 pm, $10, 21+.

GPiS

Please note! GPiS is in no way associated with water sports! (I had to find out the hard way—so embarrassing.) GPiS stands for Gay People in Seattle (much less exciting), and they are throwing a big Pride party at the Lobby for networkers and rubberneckers and friends. The Lobby Bar, 916 E Pike St, 9 pm, free, 21+.

recommended Way Gay Sing-Along

Ooooh! I love this silly little singing event so much it makes my hair smoke. From Wham! to Lady Gaga, it's a magical group-sing revue of pop songs that we queers are genetically predisposed to adore for some unfathomable cosmic reason. (It's just one of God's peculiar little jokes on us.) Sing loud! Unless you suck! Central Cinema, 1411 21st Ave, $9 adv/$11 DOS, 8 pm, all ages.

Summer Soiree

A comedy and cabaret extravaganza to benefit those whimsical and wonderful Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, The Abbey of St. Joan. A whole laundry list of performers. Rendezvous, 2322 Second Ave, 7 pm, $20 adv/$25 DOS, all ages.

Evolution

First the fabulous gay muck dragged itself from the primordial soup and took its first breath. Then it took off its shirt and started dancing. Thus has queerness evolved through the ages. DJ Craig Gailber celebrates this phenomenon by headlining a sweaty, shirtless display of advanced evolution. Baltic Room, 1207 Pine St, 9 pm, $15 adv/ $20 DOS, 21+.

Pridefeast

This is all about food. Snarfing it. Sharing it. PROUDLY! A bunch of restaurants are involved, a bunch of the money goes to charity, blah blah blah... now in its fifth year! Pig out! The full list can be found at www.pridefeast .org/restaurants.htm. Various locations.

Various Slutty Things

I will first have it understood that I never engage in such nonsense, and I only bring it up because you are such a big slut. But if you must, you must, and here's what you need to know: Basic Plumbing is now called Tribe Seattle, it is still in the same place (1505 10th Ave, thank you), and it's still the place you wanna go if you like glory holes and no questions asked. (A "Basic Room" will cost you $18, a locker much less, and there's a small membership fee.) Club Seattle is now Steamworks, even though it, too, is in the same place (1520 Summit Ave, as if you didn't know), and it's the place if you hanker for misty old-school bathhouse vibes (and maybe cooties!). (Rooms are basically a cool $20, lockers are less, a tiny membership fee applies...). Lastly, there is Club Z, which is STILL Club Z, God help us, and it hasn't moved in a million-odd years, and some of the original patrons are still going there. (Zombies? Hasn't been ruled out. Small rooms run $18, but shame is forever.) The nonsense that takes place in these places takes place EVERY. NIGHT. OF. PRIDE. And every other night, too. And that's all I've got to say about that, except WEAR. A. CONDOM.

recommended Wildrose's Ladylust

A burlesque show featuring Fuschia Foxx, Tamara the Trapeze Lady, Ruby Rouge, and Lili Delight! With MC Lusty Lashes! And DJ Rikki Leigh spinning all night! The Wildrose, 1021 E Pike St, 10 pm, 21+.

FRIDAY 6/24

Comeback: Annual Gay Shame Edition

(DON'T MISS) What's more fun than Pride? A good healthy (hot beef) injection of SHAME, that's what! For you moon-eyed out-of-towners, an explanation: a little event called Comeback is THE once-a-month sexy gay dance THING. It's been going on for just about seven years, and its endurance is a testament to its MAJOR AWESOMENESS. It's something of a hipster paradise, but THAT'S A GOOD THING! It never fails. It never falls flat! It's a dizzy spectacle with spectacular DJs and live performers and a crowd that knows what to expect and how to participate. "Gay Shame" is their annual Gay Pride do. Miss it and perish. Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St, 9 pm, $6 before 11 pm/$10, 21+.

recommended Bush Gardens

Tee-hee! So dirty. (Now THAT'S how you name a Gay Pride event!) Bush Gardens is what they are calling this year's big Pride blowout at the Wildrose, Seattle's oldest and only bona fide bar for the ladies who love the ladies (and their bushes). The Gardens will take up the whole block and will be going all weekend long, and tonight's sure-to-be-packed premiere features DJ Amateur Youth, DJ Cho Cha from Vancouver, and Lady Jane DJ. The Wildrose, 1021 E Pike St, 6 pm, $25 for Fri and Sat, 21+.

GLSEN Youth Dance

Finally! Something fun and dancey for the under-21 set (that isn't fooking Neighbours Underground, thank you). A "safe place" for young'uns to werk it. Under 21 only! (No trolls!) It's themed, of course, "Born this Way." (Plus, entry fee gets you a free entry wristband to, um, Neighbours Underground.) Pravda Studios, 1406 10th Ave, 7 pm, $5, under 21 only.

recommended Centaur: Pride Kickoff Party

Pony. Well, it's the best damn little gay bar in the world, isn't it now? (YES! IT DAMN LITTLE IS!) What better place to Pride? (I ask you.) Dumb Eyes hosts, so spectacle is assured. Plus, um, centaurs are fucking SEXY. (Don't judge me!) Pony, 1221 E Madison St, 9 pm, free, 21+.

Big Gay Grime

This is DJ Skiddle's weekly thing all Prided up, with Trent Von and Sammy LaForge, plus acrobatic aerial spectacle by Cirque Du Trois! Chapel, 1600 Melrose Ave, 9 pm, $10, 21+.

Panic! At the Disco

The sexy dandies called Panic! at the Disco will be headlining Showbox Sodo, which is located waaaaaaay down in Sodo, so it's a damn good thing indeed that these boys are such sexy dandies, let me tell you. Showbox Sodo, 1700 First Ave S, 7:30 pm, $25 adv/$28 DOS, all ages.

Neighbours Pride

The biggest/oldest/cheesiest gay club on the West Coast (maybe in the cosmos) does its usual Pride thing. Expect oceans of fags, a live performance by Kimberly Caldwell, and a bumped-up cover charge. Lily Armani hosts (starting at 7 pm—way early!), Richard J. Dalton spins at night, and special guests will appear. Most importantly: OPEN AFTER HOURS! UNTIL 4! (AM!) Neighbours, 1509 Broadway (enter in the alley—oooh!), 7 pm, $10, 21+.

Neighbours Underground Pride

So you knew that Neighbours remodeled the moldy, stanky ol' basement a while ago, and turned it into an all-ages club? Right? Good. TROLL ALERT! Neighbours Underground, 1509 Broadway (enter in the alley—oooh!), 9 pm, all ages.

recommended Quake Prom-Dress Rugby

Sexy, sexy, sex, sex, SEX! Hot gays play rugby in prom dresses. I've said too much already. Bobby Morris Playfield (Cal Anderson Park), 1635 11th Ave, 6 pm, free, all ages.

Dustbowl Dance

Two-steppin', gay waltzin', West Coast swingin' (is that dancing? Or just straight-up pervy?)—if that's your thing, then this is your thing too. Century Ballroom, 915 E Pine St, 8:30 pm, $7, 21+.

2011 Pride Shabbat

Just like the 2010 Pride Shabbat, only Jewier! Temple De Hirsch Sinai, 1511 E Pike St, 6 pm, free, all ages.

Seattle Men's Chorus Presents "Heartthrobs"

Four hundred fags sing their little brains out for you—performing the alleged "music" of boy bands—60 whole years of 'em! (They had boy bands way back then?) Runs Saturday night, too. McCaw Hall, 321 Mercer St, 8 pm, $20–$55, all ages.

JuJubee @ R Place

R Place was the first gay bar I ever went to at my very first Gay Pride. Picture it: a blond surfer wedge in my hair, drinking Zima. (Shut up!) It's changed a ton since then (no more Zima!), but it's still a respectable Pride starting point. This kickoff event features JuJubee from RuPaul's Drag Race and special guests. (Huh. She must not get along with all the RuPaul alums appearing at Julia's. God knows I'm not asking.) R Place, 619 E Pine St, 9 pm, $15/$25 VIP, 21+.

recommended Bend-It Extravaganza

This fabulous all-ages thing runs all Pride weekend. It begins at Cal Anderson Park today with "loud and proud" musicians playing all day long, a nice vegan meal at 6 pm, and a movie as soon as the sun goes down! Costumes and whimsy are encouraged. Cal Anderson Park, 1635 11th Ave, free, all ages.

recommended The Eagle Pride

All kinds of junk will be happening at the Eagle all bloody weekend (of course), and most of it involves as little clothing and as much body hair as possible. (The Eagle is where Gillette came to die.) On Saturday it's the Underwear Party Playhouse (a clothes check is provided, which is pervy), Sunday is their Pride Day Tea Dance and Beer Bust (noon–2 am), and tonight it all begins with "BRUT," their official Pride kickoff dance party featuring DJ Mr. Smith. The Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 9 pm–2 am, $5, 21+.

Glow

With DJ Rob Hall and DJ PBear. Grim's, 1512 11th Ave, 9 pm, $10 adv/$15 DOS/$30 all four days, 21+.

SATURDAY 6/25

Hey Tranny, It's Tranny

(DON'T MISS) The second annual! Dazzling live sets and spectacular performances, four bars (glug, glug!), go-go boys, and superstars, hosted by the very celebrity that the event launched last year—Jinkx Monsoon! Mucho recommended-o. Havana, 1010 E Pike St, 8 pm, $7, 21+.

Julia's Gay Pride Block Party

Okay, see, the thing about Julia's is DON'T EAT THE FOOD. The good news? It's hard to fuck up a rum and Coke. Lots of RuPaul's Drag Race contestants will be doing lots of shows. (Have you heard that Lady Bunny's coming!? Well forget it, that doesn't happen 'til late July.) Julia's, 300 Broadway E, 10 am–10 pm, $20–$55, all ages.

Capitol Hill Pride Festival

(DON'T MISS) Five whole blocks of the gayest gayness that ever gayed. Tons of live music, food, and junk to buy. (Need nag champa? A 15-minute table massage? A really naughty T-shirt? We've got you covered.) It is an all-ages event, so last year's warning bears repeating: Beware the dancing scarf fairy's peekaboo penis, children! Broadway, between E John and E Roy, www.capitolhillpridefestival.net, 10 am–10 pm, free, all ages.

23rd Annual Pride Pancake Breakfast

A pan-cakey tradition! For charity, of course: Multifaith Works, Bailey-Boushay House, and Dignity/Seattle all take a cut. Raffle prizes! Catholic queers! Also, pancakes. An event sure to piss off the pope. (GOOD.) Central Lutheran Church Social Hall, 1710 11th Ave, 8 am, $7 donation, all ages.

Seattle Dyke March and Rally

(DON'T MISS) SQUEEEE! I get so teary and happy when the Dyke March rolls on by. (God, I love dykes.) They start at Seattle Central Community College and march up Broadway to Volunteer Park. Always good for the soul. SCCC Plaza, Broadway and E Pine St, 5–7 pm, free, all ages.

Concert For Equality

Thelma Houston and Crystal Bowersox (Grammy winner and American Idol finalist, respectively) sing their brains out to benefit Equal Rights Washington. Plus a beer garden! Seattle Center Mural Amphitheatre, 6 pm, $20 adv, all ages.

recommended Bend-It Extravaganza (Day Two)

The continuation of this fabulous all-ages thing that runs all Pride weekend. It begins at Cal Anderson Park again with a lurvely afternoon tea, then moves on to Velocity Dance for an open mic. Cal Anderson Park, 1635 11th Ave, 1:30 pm; Velocity Dance, 7 pm, 1621 12th Ave, free, all ages.

recommended Bush Gardens (Day Two)

Today/tonight's installment at the Wildrose features KEXP's DJ El Toro, DJ Sharlese, and DJ Tim; DJ Colby B; Serious Business; and, perhaps most importantly, the Ononos, Vockah Redu, and Big Freedia—in from ol' New Orleans to sissy bounce for you! (ASS EVERYWHERE!) The Wildrose, 1021 E Pike St, 1 pm, $25 for Fri and Sat, 21+.

Liberate

An all-ages dance party thrown by Gay City, the Dunshee House, and Rosehedge! Sole Repair, 1001 E Pike St, 8 pm, free with RSVP to www.gaycity.org, all ages.

The Red (Cock) Party

The Annual RED party is divided into men's and women's. This is the men's. With music from DJ Brian Gorr. Wear red! Neumos, 925 E Pike St, 9 pm, $20 adv/$25 DOS, 21+.

The Red (Pussy) Party!

This is the women's. With music from Spinderella! Wear red! Baltic Room, 1207 Pine, 9 pm, $20 adv/$25 DOS, 21+.

Vogue Red Party

Huh. They're having a red party, too. It's an indie/goth event, featuring DJs Chance and Eternal Darkness (spooky!). And, um, need I say it? WEAR RED. Neighbours Underground, 1509 Broadway, 10 pm–3 am, $8, 21+.

Hot Flash Pride

Are you a woman of "a certain age" (i.e., menopausal)? Lady, this big gig's for you, and it's divided into THREE—yes, THREE!—simultaneous dance parties for your menopausal Pride pleasure. DJ WildFire playing disco, funk, Top 40, and electro at Neighbours Nightclub, DJ Jodi Bon Jodi playing '80s, new wave and Top 40 at Neighbours Underground, and Lady Jane DJ playing hiphop and R&B at HG Lounge. Various locations, 6–10 pm, $15, 21+.

Purr Block Party

Between Julia's, the Wildrose, R Place, and the official Block Party... Jesus! Will there be ANY blocks left unpartied? I ask you. Purr, 1518 11th Ave, www.purrseattle.com, noon, $15.

2011 Pride Weekend at the Cuff

The annual thing—possibly the biggest, and the most likely to get you laid. (Warning! Once upon a Pride, a "happening" in the men's room did my friend Hollis some serious psychological damage. I don't think he's ever quite recovered... you've been quite warned.) With guest DJ John LePage from San Francisco. The Cuff, 1533 13th Ave, 9 pm, 21+.

recommended GETN2IT

This is going to be incredible! Some of my favorite people, who have never failed to turn out an exceptional party, are in charge of this event, featuring the magical spinnings of Tony Burns, Trans Fat and Il Camino, DJ Julia, and even a live show by ArtStar! Visuals accomplished by JT Hooker. Chapel, 1600 Melrose Ave, 9 pm, $7 before 11 pm/$10 after, 21+.

recommended Cherry

Cherry is the longest-running and most successful girl-for-girl club night in Seattle. And what makes it so awesome? Lisa Orth, a Cherry founder, tells us, "Cherry has lasted so long because it's a no-bullshit dance night for dykes and their friends (all are welcome, we don't discriminate!) that consistently offers an awesome mix of first-rate music at an affordable price, without a cooler-than-thou attitude or cheesy gimmicks..." Well. I'LL DRINK TO THAT. Featuring DJ Amateur Youth and DJ Mathematix! Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, www.rebarseattle.com, 10 pm, $5 before 11 pm/$7 after.

Neighbours Pride (Cont'd)

Tonight starts with the Hot Flash party (see above), then transforms into the Power Mix with DJ Randy Schlager. Again: OPEN AFTER HOURS! Neighbours, 1509 Broadway, 7 pm, 21+.

Changes Hot Swimwear Contest

Changes in Wallingford is a charming little bar that hates me. Don't ask. $100 goes to the hottest bod in the hottest trunks. SO superficial. Changes in Wallingford, 2103 N 45th St, 9 pm, free, 21+.

Gaga Pride

With DJ Richard Dalton and DJ PBear. Grim's, 1512 11th Ave, 9 pm, $10 adv/$15 DOS/$30 all four days, 21+.

NW Network Clothesline Project

A temporary visual-art installation representing some thoughts and feelings of LGBTQ survivors of abuse. Seattle Central Community College Plaza, 1701 Broadway, 5–7 pm, free, all ages.

recommended Pony

Open at 3 pm with a Pony beer garden and sidewalk party. DJs all day and night, featuring Gin & Tonic, DJ Derek Pavone, Dee Jay Jack. Pony, 1221 E Madison St, 3 pm, 21+.

SUNDAY 6/26

recommended Seattle Pride Parade

This is it, silly deviants! This is what you (supposedly) came for! Partied for! PRODE... um, er, PRIDED FOR! The first thing you need to know about the Pride Parade is that aspirin, coffee, and nature's own water have been proven the best of all hangover cures. (It's science!) Next: As usual, the parade begins at Westlake Park and snakes up Fourth Avenue, culminating in a throbbing, dancing PrideFest at the Seattle Center. You can catch it at any point. (I like to keep mobile). Also, the damn thing goes on forever. (This year's theme: "Be Proud!" or something. Wow, guys. Inspired.) Westlake Park, 400 Pine St, 11 am, free, all ages.

Seattle PrideFest 2011

(DON'T MISS) PrideFest! It is the juggernaut party that the parade turns into when it's spent—the bacchanal at the end of the Pride beast. Everyone who marched in, rode in, appeared in, watched, or even just thought about the parade pours into the poor Seattle Center, rips their clothes off, and dances naked in the giant fountain, which for some strange reason can't help but evoke strange imaginings of storied "female ejaculation." (It's tradition! And family friendly!) It is, indeed, the pinnacle of all this madness. (Bittersweet almost, isn't it?) There are three stages. On the Main Stage: Ethel Merman of Trannyshack fame, and a thrilling Team Gina reunion! On the Mural Stage: Secret Shoppers, Glitterbang, and... oh, just check it out for yourself. Seattle Center, www.seattlepridefest.org, 11 am–7 pm, free, all ages.

recommended Bend-It Extravaganza (Day Three)

Variety and drag show for the under-21 set. Vera Project, 305 Harrison St, 7 pm, free, all ages.

So Gay

(DON'T MISS) The Funhouse is usually WELL off the beaten gay trail—it's a crusty old punk bar in the great grungy old Seattle tradition—lurking in the shadow of the Space Needle, biding its crunchy, punky time. This is the one day a year when fags invade, and somehow it all just works. (God bless real America.) My favorite gaybands are performing: Noddy! Glitterbang! And Rude Dudes, in from PDX. Funhouse, 206 Fifth Ave N, 3 pm, 7$, 21+.

recommended Ruckus (More!)

It's been happening all weekend, and today's final installment brings sets from Lisa Dank and DJ Nark and the Secret Shoppers and MORE! Grim's, 1512 11th Ave, 9 pm, $10 adv/$15 DOS/$30 four-day pass, 21+.

recommended Unicorn Pride!

Unicorn gets in on the way-gay action with its first-ever Pride party! Colorful food and drink specials after the parade. Unicorn, 1118 E Pike St, 2 pm, free, 21+.

recommended Hedwig and the Angry Inch!

We wind up all this Pride nonsense with the greatest gay musical of all time, staged as a benefit for Dan Savage and Terry Miller's It Gets Better Project. (Perhaps you've heard of it?) Crocodile, 2200 Second Ave, 8 pm, $15 adv, 21+.

recommended Bush Gardens (Day Three)

Day three of the Wildrose Pride party features DJs Cho Cha (from Vancouver), Rikki Leigh, and Riffraff, plus acoustic performer Jamie Nova and a butch contest with prizes by Babeland. Proceeds benefit KEXP and the Melissa Erickson Foundation. The Wildrose 1021 E Pike St, 1 pm, 21+.

recommended The World's Tiniest Tea Dance

The beer garden and outside bar open at noon after the parade to pre-funk for the World's Tiniest Tea Dance featuring DJs El Toro, King of Pants, Derek Pavone, and PORQ, as well was special hosts Devil Eyes and the amazing Ade! Wet-undies contest on the patio! Gay high jinx galore!! Pony, 1221 E Madison St, noon, 21+.

Cuff Street Party

Gates open at noon. Expect mustaches and men who love men with mustaches, plus men with chain-link-fence fetishes. Plus everyone else. The Cuff, 1533 13th Ave, noon, 21+.

Pride Closing Party: Queersucker

(DON'T MISS) Sean Cee hiphop meets Nark disco. "Super, super fun!" DJ Nark is, naturally, the party-starter nonpareil (slash photographer) who came out of nowhere and mainlined a fresh new shot of glitter and sweat into Seattle's night scene. This is his farewell to Pride. "Wear seersucker white and it's happy hour all night!" Havana, 1010 E Pike St, free, 21+.