You're never too young to start learning how to behave responsibly around guns. In light of recent threats to the sovereign liberty guaranteed by our constitution, we're stepping up our commitment to ensuring that every citizen has all the information he (or she) needs to live a long, prosperous, and, above all, free life as a member of the well-armed militia called America.

1. Fall in the direction of the bullet's trajectory. Any time someone shoots at a large group (in a school, a movie theater, or the chambers of the US Congress), there's bound to be a lot of confused running around. In the unlikely event that you take a bullet to the head or body, do your part not to add to the chaos by falling in a predictable direction.

2. Hide behind someone big. Fact: Human flesh is nature's bulletproof vest—better than Teflon and Kevlar put together! Note: If there are no teachers around, take shelter behind a bigger kid or, if all else fails, the body of a smaller kid who's already dead. (Statistically speaking, a gunman is unlikely to waste ammo on someone he has already shot.)

3. Most wounds aren't lethal. The media would like you to believe that every time someone fires a round from a legal firearm, someone dies. Someone should tell them to get their facts straight! Most gunshot wounds are superficial at best. Don't be a baby.

4. Always carry ketchup! When you hear the first shot, pour it on your shirt. It's fun AND it just might fool a distracted gunman trying to decide who to shoot next.

5. Ask yourself: Could I have prevented this tragedy? Are your mom and dad still on the fence about you owning a legal firearm? Next time they take you to a friend's funeral, or see something hysterical on the liberal news, remind them that it only takes one bullet to stop a so-called mass shooting.