NEWS
Once again shrugging off any and all attempts at objectivity (no doubt a dirty word at The Stranger offices, much like "decency"), SARAH MIRK offers what can only be described as a journalistic tongue bath to state representative candidate Stephanie Pure. Hard-hitting news this is not; painfully inept puffery it most surely is. ALSO: CHARLES MUDEDE reports on a Capitol Hill accident (visible from a bar window, no doubt), and ELI SANDERS coughs up some words on a local congressional race. PLUS: CounterIntel, Police Beat, and In Other News

SHORT FEATURE
DAVID SCHMADER, the lone Stranger editorial staffer to possess both a heart and a brain (most have only one; a few alarming individuals, notably Bradley Steinbacher, lack both), files a story on the local comedy scene. It's a good read, despite Schmader's confounding appreciation of rape jokes.

FEATURE: BURNED OUT
In their continuing mission to inflict major emotional and/or physical pain upon writer CIENNA MADRID, the powers that be at The Stranger (dim bulbs, the lot of them) sent the vulnerable young woman to some drug-infested hippie chlamydia trap called "Burning Man." This is her report, soon to followed by a Stranger-bankrupting lawsuit, no doubt.