The Stranger’s No-Goddamn-Bullshit Wedding Guide

The Stranger's No-Goddamn-Bullshit Wedding Guide

The Stranger's No-Goddamn-Bullshit Wedding Guide

Jenny Jimenez/

Congratu-fucking-lations! You're getting married!

Now, first things first: Just because everyone can finally get legally married (sorry that took so long, by the way), that doesn't mean you have to have a wedding.

Weddings can be stressful and expensive, and even if you keep things as low-key as possible by enlisting the help of generous friends and family, there are literally 800 questions to answer: Who's invited? What will people do when they first arrive at the venue? What do you feed your one soy-sensitive vegan friend? Who has the rings?! And it all comes with an exorbitant amount of pressure to get it perfect on the first try. But we call bullshit on that.

Weddings can be fun, both to plan and to go to—and The Stranger's No-Goddamn-Bullshit Wedding Guide will help you throw the best love party the world has ever seen.

The rules have changed. A man can marry a man, a woman can marry a woman—so why keep following the old traditions?

You don't have to have bridesmaids or groomsmen. You don't have to force a toddler to walk down the aisle sobbing and refusing to drop rose petals and peeing on the floor. You can do whatever the fuck you want!

You can buy a dress one hour before the ceremony and serve gummy bears (see here). You can pass around joints after (or before) dinner (see here). You can get a DJ who will play things your cousins will dance to, or you can say fuck your cousins and hire a mariachi band (see here). If you're a guy, you don't have to wear a stuffy suit or a tux if you don't fucking want to (see here).

Most important, you are in so much fucking love that you can't even stand it, and this is a time to celebrate not only that but all the wonderful, supportive people in your lives who've helped you both along the way. Fuck all that pressure to make everything perfect. Seriously. Fill the room (or the beach or the church or the bouncy house) with friends and family who love you no matter what—maybe that's three people, maybe that's 300—and thank them for their kindness with a day filled with your favorite food, drink, music, and anything else you want.

Whether you bring in a dunk tank and a cotton-candy machine, or have a simple family-style dinner at a huge table lined with candles, the love you have for each other, and for everyone sharing the moment with you, is what will make it magical. But be careful with candles. Gusts of wind are hard to control, and grandmas are flammable (see here).

So fuck all those blogs and magazines with their six-page checklists that say this is the most important day of your life. It's not. There are so many more amazing days to come. recommended


Comments (9) RSS

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Holy shit. Did you guys sneak into our wedding or what?!? We had an impromptu wedding in the alley way of a Chinese restaurant, next to the dumpster, on Christmas. Oh - and dressed as Santa. We had so much FUN!!!!!!!!
Posted by zpants on January 23, 2013 at 11:20 AM · Report this
While it is absolutely true you can do whatever you want for your wedding and reception, keep in mind - the wedding itself is not a party.

You are doing probably the most life-changing thing you will ever do before your family and friends (if they are invited). You are making (I hope) a solemn promise to another human being about loyalty, fidelity and love. You may be committing to raising children (almost the most life-changing thing you can ever do).

It can be fun, funny and wonderful but do take it seriously. (This from someone married nearly 30 years.)
Posted by westello on January 23, 2013 at 12:11 PM · Report this
zephsright 3
Hey, look there. That's my husband and I on the cover of the Stranger. golly.
Posted by zephsright on January 23, 2013 at 12:29 PM · Report this
@3 You guys are so cute! We couldn't help it.
Posted by Christopher Frizzelle on January 23, 2013 at 4:18 PM · Report this
@2: Didn't you read the guide? The wedding IS a party if I want it to be! The marriage itself, now THAT's the serious part.
Posted by treehugger on January 24, 2013 at 8:40 AM · Report this
What do you call your best friend, a gay man, at your wedding? I referred to him as my "man of honor" He was horribly upset about it until I told him he could pick out his cumber bum color.
Posted by pussnboots on January 24, 2013 at 9:21 AM · Report this
We told our family we were getting married in Vegas and then went and did it. So it was kind of like eloping and kind of not. My wife had an old friend who lived there show up and sign off as a witness. One guest. It has been a great decision which has stood the test of time for a decade so far. The marriage is our everyday happiness (and sometimes a challenge) but the wedding was just something we had to finish.
Posted by Jb73 on January 24, 2013 at 11:48 AM · Report this
Uh, Treehugger, you have to have the wedding to have the marriage.
Posted by westello on January 24, 2013 at 1:04 PM · Report this
@8: Uh, westello, my point was that the wedding doesn't have to be stuffy just because the marriage is serious.
Posted by treehugger on January 24, 2013 at 2:20 PM · Report this

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