To the scraggly-assed hippie in the second row at the city council hearing on police brutality: Do us all a favor next time AND SIT IN THE BACK ROW! Remember this, mon petit infected anal butt-hair, when you pick at your stringy beard while the guy from the ILU is talking, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING! When the lady from Mothers Against Police Harassment is speaking and you go diving for earwax with your dirty little finger, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING! And when you dribble yogurt down your beard because you're eating with your mouth open, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING!

Another thing to remember is don't chew gum on television; it's revolting even when beautiful people are doing it. AND DON'T EVER, EVER PLAY MOUTH POCKET POOL WITH YOUR DENTURES, OKAY? Because (as stated earlier) THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING!

Anti-WTO organizers, progressives everywhere, puh-leeze: It's a cruel, looks-ist world on TV, where youth, beauty, and anorexia dominate -- so try to keep the flakes off-screen, okay? And to our city council: How about setting up two cameras next time? It's unbearable to watch some scraggy-assed intestinal polyp endlessly pushing up his Section 8 glasses when he isn't picking his nose, digging in his ear, or dribbling yogurt down his stringy little beard. Important topics are being discussed! It makes our concerns, your office, and the whole democratic process a joke.

-- Anonymous