OPENING AND CURRENT RUNS


ABSURD PERSON SINGULAR

Final week. "This tightly constructed play is undeniably funny and cuttingly black in parts. The problem lies in the execution. The director has allowed (encouraged?) the actors to gracelessly mug in such grotesque obsequiousness that each joke is canceled before payment, a kind of premature ejokulation, where the actors laugh a millisecond before you do. (Confidential to R. Hamilton Wright--you're turning into Tim Conway, buddy.) These characters should be sad because they don't understand their situation, and funny because we do. Only Michael Winters and Marianne Owen seem to understand this most basic of theatrical conceits, and underplay beautifully. Too bad the other 'Seattle superstars' didn't show their class. " (Tamara Paris) ACT Theatre, 700 Union St, 292-7676. $45. Tues-Thurs and Sun at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm. Through Aug 3.

BLUE/ORANGE

A hit over there in merry ol' England (whose taste as a nation is endlessly questionable), Joe Penhall's award-winning drama concerns the ideological battle between two psychiatrists over the well-being of a particular mental patient. Intiman Playhouse, 201 Mercer St, 269-1900. $27-$42. Tues-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri at 8 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm, Sun at 2 and 7:30 pm. Through Aug 24.

CHEATIN'

Final week. "Goings-on" in a small town in Texas. Edge of the World Theatre, 9673 Firdale Ave, Edmonds, 542-7529. $17-$20. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 7:30 pm. Through Aug 2.

THE COUNTRY WIFE

Final week. Theater Schmeater makes a desperate bid for sunstroke with an outdoor staging of this William Wycherley classic. Volunteer Park. Free. Fri at 7 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm. Through Aug 2.

* DERAILED DESIRES

This week only. See Stranger Suggests. Pulp Vixens at Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 723-1945. $12. Sat-Sun Aug 2-3 at 8 pm.

THE GOAT, OR WHO IS SYLVIA?

ACT welcomes a fancy new West Coast premiere of Edward Albee's latest Tony Award-winning bestiality dramedy, as directed by Warner Shook. ACT Theatre, 700 Union St, 292-7676. $35-$39. Thurs-Fri at 8 pm, Sat at 2, 8 pm, Sun at 2, 7:30 pm, Tues-Wed at 7:30 pm.

HANSEL AND GRETEL

"I know I heard somewhere that somebody wrote this piece, but I swear the actors were just making it up as they went along. There was all the klutzy ad-libbing, hamming, camping, and clamoring typical of unpracticed performers--including much tit and crotch grabbing, circuitous ramblings, and myriad sailor-mouthed exclamations. " (Adrian Ryan) Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 233-9873. $10. Sun at 7 pm. Through Aug 17.

THE HASTY HEART

Opening. To describe Pulitzer Prize-winner John Patrick's The Hasty Heart, ReAct's press release makes use of several death-kisses, such as the phrase "touching tale" (the tongue's most painful alliteration), and the eye-gouging blurb "soldier learns the true meaning of friendship, love and the value of life." But don't shoot the messenger. ReAct at the Bathhouse Theatre, 7312 W Green Lake Dr N, 364-3283. $6-$12. Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through Aug 31.

INTO THE WOODS

Stephen Sondheim's fairy-tale musical, performed by kids ages 13-20. ArtsWest, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $10. Thurs-Fri at 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun at 3, 7:30 pm. Through Aug 17.

JEANNE THE MAID

See review this issue. Akropolis Performance Lab brews a stew of the bible, Hieronymus Bosch, and the trials of Jeanne d'Arc to indict everyone in our complicit little world. Akropolis Performance Lab at Chamber Theater, 915 E Pine St, fourth floor. $12-$10. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 1 pm, Tues-Wed at 8 pm. Through Aug 16.

LEND ME A TENOR

The Cleveland Grand Opera has a problem on its hands--a big, dead, Italian problem--and the solution? MADCAP COMEDY! SecondStory Repertory, 16587 74th St, Redmond, 425-881-6777. $14-$18. Fri-Sat at 8:15 pm. Through Aug 9.

THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR

In his "most contemporary comedy" (?!?!), Big Willie Styles breaks off another wack jam--and this time, it's in the park. GreenStage Theater Company. Call 748-1551 for locations, dates, and times, or see www.greenstage.org. Free. Through Aug 11.

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

This week only. As if theater girls needed another excuse to wear fairy wings and glitter makeup, the Bathhouse hosts a free production of Shakespeare's classic, as performed by elementary-school folks. Seattle Public Theater at the Bathhouse Theatre, 7312 W Green Lake Dr N, 524-1300. Free. Fri at 3 pm, Sat at 2 pm, Sun at 7 pm.

MURDER AT CRAGGY ROCK

Final week. A Wild West musical-mystery-comedy set to steak, featuring characters with names like Slappy, Hap Hazard, El Gatito, and Fifi. Northwest Murder Mysteries at Crepe de Paris, 1333 Fifth Ave, 623-4111. $45-$47. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. Through Aug 2.

MURDER'S BAD, BUT MONDAY CAN KILL YOU!

Opening. A triple murder, a psychiatric hospital, multiple personalities, and a gum-covered shoe make up the United Performing Arts Company's latest production, a murder mystery that cracks wise. United Performing Arts Company, 1420 NW 80th St, 783-7224. $12. Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm. Through Aug 16.

NINE HOLES RISES FROM THE ASHES

"All nine 10-minute plays take the idea of resurrection and run with it, to varying degrees of success. Half the plays are ash--useless, burned out, and futile. But this is fully redeemed by the few that burn brightly like a cleansing fire. Wesley Middleton's Good Thing in the Land of Bad mesmerizes the audience with the musical fairy tale of a bad queen (played perfectly by Amanda Wiehe) searching for her one true love (the very talented Josh Hartvigson) after nearly losing her queendom. Truly the standout of the evening, this play alone is worth the 80-minute wait. " (Gregory Zura) Theatre Babylon at Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. $12. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. Through Aug 9.

POINT BREAK LIVE!

Opening. See Stranger Suggests. Little Theatre, 610 19th Ave E, 329-2629. $10-$12. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Through Aug 10.

SEX IN SEATTLE, EPISODE 7: GRAPHIC IMAGES

Final week. The popular episodic soap opera about the absurdly tangled love affairs of four sassy Asian American chicks returns. SIS Productions at Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 323-9443. $8-$12. Fri-Sat at 8 and 10:30 pm. Through Aug 2.

THE SPITFIRE GRILL

"It flopped on Broadway and they blamed 9/11. That sounds like two loads of BS served with a side of crap, but the excuse might hold water. Something this derivative and formulaic should have been far more commercially successful. " (Adrian Ryan) Taproot Theatre, 204 N 85th St, 781-9707. $10-$26. Wed-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm. Through Aug 9.

THE TEMPEST

Final Week. In one of his more famous syphilis-fueled benders, Shakespeare falls under the attack of shipwrecked sailors, ogres, and sprites. This is his story. Rainier Valley Youth Theatre's SummerStage at the Rainier Valley Cultural Center, 3515 S Alaska St, 725-7169. $3-$5. Wed-Sat at 7:30 pm. Through Aug 2.

DANCE


* STRICTLY SEATTLE SUMMER DANCE INTENSIVE

This week only. The culmination of a three-week workshop that pulls in over 70 national dancers, Strictly Seattle sees its seventh year with the likes of Carla Barragan, Karn Junkinsmith, Amii LeGendre, KT Niehoff, Amy O'Neal, and Crispin Spaeth. Velocity Dance Center at Broadway Performance Hall, 1625 Broadway, 325-8773 ext. 2. $10-$12. Fri-Sun Aug 1-3 at 8 pm.

FESTIVALS, CABARET, & COMEDY


ANYTHING GOES

One night only. It's amateur porn night at the Rendezvous, with Gun Street Girl Bella Beretta's burlesque open pole. Rendezvous, 3220 Second Ave, 441-5823. $7. Sun Aug 3, 8:30 and 10:30 pm.

BURNINGHEARTS BURLESQUE

This week only. BurningHearts presents its latest evening of smut with a fetish-fueled burlesque performance entitled Curse of the Black Tiki: Lust in Paradise. Rendezvous, 3220 Second Ave, 441-5823. $10. Sat Aug 2 at 9:30 and 10:30 pm.

A GUIDE TO VISITORS

One night only. Seattle's theater community responds to the nation's current ardor for the voyeuristic with another in the recent trend of "real life stories" performed in an "engaging narrative," whatever that means. Rendezvous, 3220 Second Ave, 441-5823. $5. Mon Aug 4, 7:30-10 pm.

TALES OF DOMESTICITY AND THE GREYHOUND DIARIES

Divergent subject matter of the mundane--laugh track optional. Rendezvous, 3220 Second Ave, 441-5823. $10. Tues at 8:30 pm. Through Aug 19.

THEATERSCHWARTZ

Classical improvisers the Spolin Players present improv the way it's meant to be... you know, without scripts. Northwest Actors Studio, 1100 E Pike St, 425-417-5667. $8-$10. Sat at 10 pm. Through Aug 30.

LATE NIGHT


LIPSCHTICK IMPROV

One night only. Ovarian hilarity! My favorite! ArtsWest, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $5-$7. Sat Aug 2 at 10:30 pm.

SPIN THE BOTTLE

One night only. Annex Theater continues its tradition of Omnibus Monthly shows this month, featuring Cha Davis, Chris Lefebvre, Bret Fetzer, and Gillian Jorgensen. Freehold's East Hall Theater, 915 E Pine St, 728-0933. $7. Fri at 11 pm.

THE TEMPS

Comprising members of the Habit, Up in Your Grill, and Some Kind of Cult, the Temps offer improv for hire--with little chance of long-term employment. Northwest Actors Studio, 1100 E Pike St, 324-6328. $8. Fri at 10:30 pm. Through Aug 15.

LONG RUNS
BROADVILLE CARNIVAL at Cafe Venus, 624-4516.

BUBBA AND BITCH at the Bar, 322-1788.

CABARET: THE ResERECTION at Coffee Messiah, 861-8233.

* THE HOKUM HALL VARIETY SHOW at Hokum Hall, 937-3613.

JET CITY IMPROV at Ethnic Cultural Theatre, 781-3879.

LATE NIGHT CATECHISM from Seattle Theatre Project at ACT, 292-7676.

QUEER AS A THREE-DOLLAR BILL at the Comedy Underground, 800-992-8499.

TEATRO ZINZANNI 2301 Sixth Ave, 802-0015.

THEATRESPORTS at the Market Theater, 781-9273.