OPENING THIS WEEK

ANYTHING GOES · 5th Avenue Theatre

IN REAL LIFE · Seattle Repertory Theatre

LINGER · Annex Theatre

MOSCOW NIGHTS · A Contemporary Theatre

OWEN MEANY'S CHRISTMAS · A Contemporary Theatre

PENN & TELLER · Moore Theatre

ONE WEEK ONLY

12TH MONTH, NEW MILLENNIUM CABARET · Nippon Kan Theatre

BEER, BREAD, AND CHEESE CABARET · Circus Contraption

BLUE ART · OK Hotel

CARNAVAL 2000 · Balé Folclórico Da Bahia

THE ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER · Everett Performing Arts Center

THE FIELD SHOWCASE · The Field

THE GATHERING/DUEL NATURE · Diversity Arts Project

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE · Elliott Bay Theatre

NEW MOVES 2000 CONCERT · Cornish College of the Arts

SOMEONE'S GOT TO SEND OUT LOVE · Pro Homo Voci

ACTION HEROES · STREB at the Moore Theatre

CLOSING THIS WEEK

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN · Paramount Theatre

H.M.S. PINAFORE · Civic Light Opera

OPENING AND CURRENT RUNS

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

David Pichette and John Procaccino alternate playing Scrooge in the Dickens classic, done for the 25th time at A Contemporary Theatre, 700 Union St, 292-7676. $20-$35. Generally runs Tues-Sun, but times and days change over the course of the run so give 'em a call first. Through Dec 24.

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN

Marilu Henner from Taxi! Tom Wopat from Dukes of Hazzard!! And some guy named Irving Berlin wrote the songs. Paramount Theatre, 911 Pine St, 292-ARTS. $20-$54. Tues-Sat at 8, Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2. Through Dec 10.

ANYTHING GOES

Silliness on board an ocean liner, set to exquisite Cole Porter tunes. 5th Avenue Theatre, 1308 Fifth Ave, 292-ARTS. $17-$59. Tues-Sat at 8, Sat-Sun at 2, Sun at 7:30. Through Dec 17.

*BEYOND KINDNESS

Solo performer Matt Smith (My Last Year with the Nuns, Helium) returns with a frighteningly funny "parenting seminar," full of alarming childrearing tips. Reviewed this issue. On the Boards, 100 W Roy, 217-9888. $12 Thurs/Sun, $14 Fri/Sat. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 17.

BLACK NATIVITY

And Intiman trots out its holiday show (a gospel "song play" by Langston Hughes) for the third time, featuring the Total Experience Gospel Choir. Intiman Theatre, Seattle Center, 269-1900. $38 general, $28 students/seniors, $20 for youth 16 and under. Tues-Wed at 7, Thurs-Sat at 8, Sat-Sun matinees at 2. Additional show Sun Dec 17, 7 pm. Through Dec 24.

*THE DINA MARTINA CHRISTMAS SHOW

Quite possibly the most disturbing performance you'll ever see. For some, it's also extremely funny. Reviewed this issue. On the Boards, 100 W Roy, 217-9888. $12 Thurs/Sun, $14 Fri/Sat. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 17.

THE EBENEZER CYCLE (GOD HELP US, EVERY ONE!)

Annex sells out in the most complicated way possible: They've taken A Christmas Carol, divided it into five parts, and given each part to a different director, but with the same cast running throughout. Reviewed this issue. Annex Theatre, 1916 Fourth Ave, 728-0933. $12. Wed-Sat at 8. Through Dec 16.

EXPRESSIONS OF THE SPIRIT

The über-bendy UMO troupe tackles the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm. ArtsWest, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $12-$22. Thurs-Sun at 8, call about weekend matinees. Through Dec 16.

GULLIVER'S TRAVELS

Four chunks of Jonathan Swift's epic satire, brought to life by four different directors (Sean Belyea, Jennifer Jasper, Juliet Waller, and Scot Augustson). Consolidated Works, 410 Terry Ave N, 860-5245. $14 general, $12 members. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 15.

HAM FOR THE HOLIDAYS IV: GLAZING SADDLES

Lisa Koch and Peggy Platt present their fourth holiday comedy offering. Not the most cutting-edge stuff, but still pretty damn funny. Theatre Off Jackson, 409 Seventh Ave S, 325-6500. $15 Wed/Thurs/Sun, $17 Fri/Sat. Wed-Sat at 8, Sun at 4. Sat matinees on Dec 16 & 23 at 4. Through Dec 24.

*HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH

Not only is this called by some the greatest rock musical of all time, it stars Nick Garrison and Sarah Rudinoff; not only can they act, their combined vocal power and finesse could tear the roof off and then nail it back down. Re-bar, 1114 Howell (at Boren), 323-0388 or 325-6500. $16. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Feb 11.

H.M.S. PINAFORE

Another love-story-with-a-catch from Gilbert & Sullivan. Civic Light Opera at the Jane Addams Theatre, 11051 34th Ave NE, 363-2809. $18-$22. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2:30. Through Dec 9. NOTE: CLO musicians are on strike. You may have to cross a picket line in order to see the show.

THE HOBO'S CHRISTMAS

Sketch comedy, presumably built around a smelly, drunken homeless person. Disgruntled Bit Players at the Odd Duck Studio, 1214 10th Ave, 729-4839. $11 ($10 with canned food donation). Fri-Sat at 8. Through Dec 23.

IN REAL LIFE

Charlayne Woodard returns with the latest episode of her life, about her early years in New York. Seattle Repertory Theatre, 155 Mercer St, 443-2222. $15-$42, $10 for anyone under age 25. Previews Dec 4-10. Opens Mon Dec 11 (no performance Tues Dec 12). Tues-Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun matinees at 2. Through Jan 7.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

A new theater company inaugurates themselves by doing staged readings of a movie script. A benefit. Elliott Bay Theatre at the Speakeasy Cafe, 2304 Second Ave, e-mail to elliottbaytheatre@theatermail.net. $35. Fri-Sat Dec 8-9, 8 pm.

MOSCOW NIGHTS

A new play about an expatriate Russian family gathering to celebrate the matriarch's 75th birthday. A Contemporary Theatre, 700 Union St, 292-7676. All shows $10. Thurs/Sun at 7:30, Fri-Sat at 8. Through Dec 17.

MOTHER JONES WILL SPEAK!

A one-woman show about the famed turn-of-last-century political activist. Therese Diekhans plays 15 different roles. Seattle Theatre Project at Open Circle Theatre, 429 Boren Ave N, 382-4250. $10. Thurs-Sun at 8. Through Dec 16.

NEW PATAGONIA

A Ken Kesey-esque literary lion decides he's going to have the most spectacular death of his generation. A new play by Elizabeth Heffron--the first time in living memory the Rep has produced a new play by a local writer who isn't August Wilson or Steven Dietz. Seattle Repertory Theatre, Seattle Center at Second and Mercer, 443-2222. $29-$42 ($10 for anyone 25 or under). Tues-Sun at 7:30, Sat-Sun at 2. Through Dec 23.

NUNSENSE

Singing, wiseacre nuns. Kismet Productions at the Performance Studio in the Seattle Center House, 325-6500. $12. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2. Through Dec 17.

THE NUTCRACKER PUPPET BALLET

And here's a holiday tradition in the making, a puppet version of The Nutcracker from the Carter Family Marionettes. Northwest Puppet Center, 9123 15th Ave NE, 523-2579. $6.50 children, $7 seniors, $8.50 adults. Fri at 7:30, Sat-Sun at 1 & 3. Through Dec 17.

OWEN MEANY'S CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

Ornery runt screams and snarls his way through a sacred celebration of our lord, Jesus Christ. Book-It at North Seattle Community College's Stage One Theater, 9600 College Way N, 325-6500. $18 general, $14 students/seniors. Wed-Sat at 7:30, Sun at 2, (2 pm matinees on Fri-Sat Dec 22-23). Through Dec 23.

PENN & TELLER

The smartass magical duo say they are bored with magic and so will be performing genuine miracles. Opens Tues Dec 12. Moore Theatre, Second and Virginia, 292-ARTS. $25-$40. Tues-Thurs at 7:30, Fri at 8, Sat at 5 & 9, Sun 2 & 7. Through Dec 17.

PLAZA SUITE

If you're going to do dinner theater, I guess you just have to do Neil Simon. RipTide Deli Theatre at the Liberty Deli, 2722 Alki Ave SW, 405-TIDE. $22 in advance, $25 at the door (includes dinner). Dinner starts at 6:30, show starts at 7:30. Through Dec 23.

PRINCE BRAT AND THE WHIPPING BOY

It's not what you think, it's for kids. You should be ashamed of yourself. Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 441-3322. $14.50-$22. Fri-Sat at 7, Sun at 2 & 5:30. Through Jan 13.

THE RED BALLOON

Boy meets balloon, falls in love, must protect balloon from pin-wielding bullies. A collaboration with Scottish theater troupe Visible Fictions. Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 441-3322. $14.50-$22. Fri at 7, Sat-Sun at 2 and 5:30. (No performance Sun Dec 24.) Through Dec 30.

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

Ludlam's 1980 farce about a married pair of psychologists having affairs with each other's patients. Empty Space, 3509 Fremont N, 547-7500. $20-$28. Tues-Thurs at 7:30, Fri at 8, Sat at 2 & 8, Sun at 2 & 7. Through Dec 16.

SANDERS FAMILY CHRISTMAS

A bluegrass gospel musical, set on the brink of the U.S. involvement in WWII. Taproot Theatre, 204 N 85th St, 781-9707. $17-$25. Wed-Thurs at 7:30, Fri-Sat at 8, Sat at 2. Through Dec 30.

SCROOGE!

Seattle's most cantankerous actor (and one of its best) John Gilbert does a one-man-show reading of Dickens, supported by Michael Harris leading a pre-show sing-along. ArtsWest Theatre, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. $15 general, $10 students. Dec 10, 13, & 17 at 7:30; also Dec 9 & 17 at 3.

X-MAS AT THE JOHNSON'S

A tale of absurd family madness, transplanted from Stalinist Russia to Eisenhower's America. Reviewed this issue. A Theater Under the Influence at the Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. Pay-what-you-will Thurs, $12 Fri-Sat, $10 Sun, $15 opening-night gala on Fri Dec 1. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2. Through Dec 17.

DANCE

ACTION HEROES

Super-kinetic dance from STREB, an ensemble whose credo is "If you're not flying, what's the point?" See Stranger Suggests. Moore Theatre, Second & Virginia, 292-ARTS. $25-$35.50. Thurs-Sat at 8, Sun at 2. Through Dec 10.

CARNAVAL 2000

Brazilian exuberance in all forms! Dance, music, costumes, martial arts, you name it. Looks spectacular and may include nudity. Balé Folclórico Da Bahia in the UW World Series at Meany Theater on the UW campus, 543-4880. $28. Fri-Sat Dec 8-9, 8 pm.

THE FIELD SHOWCASE

Works-in-progress from an abundance of local choreographers; the culmination of a 10-week session. The Field at the Chamber Theater, 915 E Pine St, Fourth Floor, 568-6342. $5 suggested donation. Thurs Dec 7, 8 pm ONLY.

THE GATHERING/DUEL NATURE

One's a multi-media piece based on Native American legend, the other's about "the struggle between our conflicting natures." Diversity Arts Project at the Rainier Valley Cultural Arts Center, 3515 S Alaska St, 323-7663. $15 general, $7 children 12 and under, $37 for a family of four. Fri-Sat at 7:30, Dec 8-9.

NEW MOVES 2000 CONCERT

Choreography by students of the Cornish Dance Dept. Velocity Mainspace Theater, 915 E Pine St, Second Floor, 325-6500. $5 general, $3 students/seniors/ Cornish alumni. Fri-Sun Dec 8-10, 8 pm.

NUTCRACKER

PNB's holiday cash cow. Pacific Northwest Ballet at Seattle Center Opera House, 301 Mercer St, 292-ARTS. $15-$80. Tues-Fri at 7:30, Sat at 2 & 7:30, Sun at 1 & 5:30. (Additonal matinee on Sun Dec 24 at noon.) Through Dec 27.

FESTIVALS, CABARET, & COMEDY

12TH MONTH, NEW MILLENNIUM CABARET

A wild mix of performers and styles, including belly dance, African dance, modern dance, rock music, vampires, hiphop, and more. Earth Arts Performances at Nippon Kan Theatre, Sixth Ave and Washington St, 722-7300. $12 at the show, $10 in advance. Fri-Sat at 8, Sun at 7:30. Fri-Sun Dec 8-10.

BEER, BREAD, AND CHEESE CABARET

More eclectic nonsense from Circus Contraption, featuring Baby Gramps. Sand Point Naval Base, Building 30, 442-2004. $10. Sat Dec 9, 9 pm.

BLUE ART

Vodvil returns, with fabulous lady vaudevillians the Rollvulvas! See Stranger Suggests. Vodvil Theater at the OK Hotel, 212 Alaska Way, 624-9867. $12. Thurs-Fri Dec 7-8, 9 pm.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO SEND OUT LOVE

A queer musical theater revue with a terrible, terrible title. Pro Homo Voci at the Broadway Performance Hall, 1625 Broadway, 628-0888. $20. Fri-Sat at 8, Sun at 2. Fri-Sun Dec 8-10.

LATE NIGHT

A VERY SPECIAL MONEY & RUN WINTER SEASON HOLIDAY SPECIAL

The latest episode of this transcendent camp trifle. Theater Schmeater, 1500 Summit Ave, 324-5801. $8 (anyone under 18 free). Thurs-Sat at 8, Sat-Sun at 11. Through Dec 16.

*LINGER

John Kaufmann's outstanding solo piece about "being in the moment" returns for only three performances. See Bio Box. Annex Theatre, 1916 Fourth Ave, 728-0933. $7 regular, $5 if you sign the "audience/performer contract." Fri-Sat Dec 8-9 & Fri Dec 15 at 11.

CALLS

Mildly Obese Bat Productions is holding auditions for Giants Have Us in Their Books by Jose Rivera, to be produced in the Fringe Festival in March. They need three men and three women who can play ages 10-35. Call Beth or Rachel at 213-0307.

Northwest Folklife are accepting performer applications for the 2001 festival. Applications must be postmarked by Fri Dec 8 and sample recordings are required. For applications or information call 684-7300 or e-mail folklife@nwfolklife.org

Seattle Fringe Festival is holding auditions on Sat Dec 9, from 10 am-6 pm. To get in, send one original and five copies of your headshot and resume to Seattle Fringe Festival, Attn: Auditions, 1415 Third Ave, Seattle, WA 98101. They'll contact you with details. Questions? E-mail Wesley at wmiddleton@seattlefringe.org.

Wonder Productions holding auditions for Demea, to be performed in the 2001 Fringe Festival, on Dec 4-13. Call Nils Osmar at 781-2170 or e-mail demea2001@aol.com.