OPENING THIS WEEK

BELL, BOOK, AND CANDLE · Village Theatre

CHARLOTTE'S WEB · Seattle Children's Theatre

CLOUD NINE · Freehold

DREAM OF A COMMON LANGUAGE · Theater Schmeater

ETHAN FROME · Book-It

I LOVE BEING ABROAD · Thumpers

INVISIBLE INK · House of Dames/On the Boards

JALOPY · glassbones

THE MAIDS · Liberty Deli

WILD OATS · Seattle Shakespeare Company

ONE WEEK ONLY

DEAF KIDS DRAMA FESTIVAL · Seattle Children's Theatre

CLOSING THIS WEEK

THE PAT GRANEY COMPANY · Moore Theatre

STORMY WEATHER · On the Boards

THEATRE ON THE ROCKS · Union Garage

THE WITCHES OF MACBETH · Familiar Theatre

THE ZOO STORY · Insight America Touring Theater

OPENING AND CURRENT RUNS

CHARLOTTE'S WEB

Mmmm, bacon. Seattle Children's Theatre, 201 Thomas St at Seattle Center, 441-3322. $21.50-$22.50 adults, $14.50-$15.50 senior/student/child. Fri at 7 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 & 5:30 pm. Through March 30.

CLOUD NINE

Caryl Churchill's classic time- and gender-bender. Huisentruit Productions at Crow Studio in Freehold, 1525 10th Ave, 527-8588. $8. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Though Jan 27.

DREAM OF A COMMON LANGUAGE

The torrid lives of French Impressionists. Featuring full-frontal male nudity, among other things. Theater Schmeater, 1500 Summit Ave, 325-6500. $15 Fri-Sat, $12 Thurs-Sun. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 pm (Feb 3 & 17 only). Through Feb 23.

ETHAN FROME

A treatise on the dangers of winter sledding. With sex. Book-It at the Intiman Playhouse, Seattle Center, 325-6500. $19 general, various discounts for groups/seniors/students. Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through Feb 10.

HOSPITALITY SUITE

My favorite P.R. quote of the year so far: This play is "set in the cutthroat world of industrial lubricant sales." Nosidam Productions/Moonlight Theatre Company at the Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 325-6500. $12 ($5 at the Jan 10 preview). Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, through Feb 2.

*INVISIBLE INK

See BIO:THEATER. Subtitled Destiny and the Dance of Mata Hari. Nikki Appino tackles the female spy shot for spying in WWI. House of Dames at On the Boards, 100 W Roy St, 217-9888. $16 Thurs/Sun, $18 Fri-Sat. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Through Jan 27.

LOVE IS STRANGE

Two one-acts: Amy Freed's Claustrophilia, about Edgar Allan Poe and his child bride, and Marcy Rodenborn's All Acts of Love and Pleasure, about a Christian lad trying to convert a pagan babe. Theatre Babylon at the Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave, 720-1942. $12 (Thurs is pay-what-you-can). Thurs-Sat at 8 pm; added pay-what-you-can show on Monday, Jan 28, at 8 pm. Through Feb 2.

THE MAIDS

Two sisters get kinky in their mistress' bed. Liberty Deli, 2722 Alki Ave SW, 935-8420. $29 (includes dinner), $15 show only (availability limited). Fri-Sat, buffet opens at 6:30, show at 7:30. Through Feb 16.

STORMY WEATHER

Two one-acts about natural disasters, by Stranger Theater Editor Bret Fetzer and Juliet Waller, under the name Poisonous Toy Theater. Featuring many fuzzy hats. On the Boards, 100 W Roy St, 217-9888. $12. Thurs-Sun at 7:30 pm, through Jan 20.

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

The definition of glorious excess. Featuring many glamorous wigs. The Empty Space at the Broadway Performance Hall, 1625 Broadway, 547-7500. $22-$30. Tues-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm, Sun at 7 pm. Through Feb 9.

WILD OATS

Our local Shakespeareans branch out with this farce by another several-hundred-years-dead playwright. Seattle Shakespeare Company at the Center House Theatre, Seattle Center, 325-6500. $10-$24. Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through Feb 3.

THE WITCHES OF MACBETH

Three actors perform a stripped-down version (90 minutes!) of Macbeth. Familiar Theatre at Theatre 4, Seattle Center, 4th floor, 931-4229. $10. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. Through Jan 19.

THE WRESTLING SEASON

A play about teen boys grappling with rumors that they're gay. Featuring many buff actors in singlets. Seattle Children's Theatre, Seattle Center, 201 Thomas St, 441-3322. $21.50-$22.50 adults, $14.50-$15.50 senior/student/child. Fri at 7 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 pm and 5:30 pm. Through Feb 16.

THE ZOO STORY

Playwright Edward Albee's first big splash, about an encounter between two men in a park, accompanied by fragments of other Albee works. Insight America Touring Theater at Northwest Actors Studio, 1100 E Pike, 325-6500. $14 general, $12 students. Fri-Sat at 8 pm, through Jan 19.

DANCE

*JALOPY

See Stranger Suggests. Glassbones' site-specific dance piece, spread through multiple rooms of Richard Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 726-1879. $14. Fri-Sun at 8 pm. Through Jan 26.

*THE PAT GRANEY COMPANY: LIVE AT THE MOORE!

It's a sad day when a nationally renowned local choreographer has to resort to an exclamation point. The Moore Theatre, 1932 Second Ave, 292-ARTS. $25.50-$36. Fri-Sat at 8 pm, through Jan 19.

FESTIVALS, CABARET, & COMEDY

DEAF KIDS DRAMA FESTIVAL

Exactly what the title says. Put together by noted Deaf theater artist Billy Seago. Seattle Children's Theatre at Broadway Performance Hall, 1625 Broadway, 441-3322 (voice) or 443-6938 (TTY). $9 adults, $6 children under 12. Sat at 2:30 & 5:30 pm. This weekend only.

I LOVE BEING ABROAD

One-woman cabaret from Julie Cascioppo, on the theme of travel. Thumpers, 1500 E Madison, 328-3800. $10. Fri at 10:30 pm. Through Jan 25.

LATE NIGHT

THEATRE ON THE ROCKS

Drunken sketch comedy, accompanied by the sounds of San Pedro Circus. Union Garage, 1418 10th Ave. $5. Fri-Sat at 11 pm, through Jan 19.