Thursday, Nov 24
9:00 am NBC MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADEQuestion: Couldn't they just once have a 100-foot-tall inflatable nude Burt Reynolds?
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVINGLinus recounts how the pilgrims gave the Native Americans VD, while Snoopy dances around a lot.
Friday, Nov 25
8:00 FOX STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES—Movie(2003) Obi-Wan Kenobi discovers an empire clone factory—and not a single hot clone chick!
8:00 DSC I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVEThree episodes of adventurers nearly getting their asses chewed off by lions, sharks, and angry wiener dogs.
Saturday, Nov 26
9:00 SCIFI MANTICORE—Movie(2005) A pissed-off Iraqi fights back against U.S. imperialism the old-fashioned way—raising an ancient monster from the dead!
Sunday, Nov 27
9:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASMLarry plays detective, and links the disappearance of Jeff's dog to his Korean bookie.
10:00 COM DENIS LEARY'S MERRY F#%$IN' CHRISTMASThe salty comic and his even saltier friends sing songs and make fun of Li'l Baby Jesus.
Monday, Nov 28
9:00 FOX PRISON BREAKWith Lincoln's execution quickly approaching, the team puts aside their quilting project to make a break for it.
Tuesday, Nov 29
8:00 E! 50 CUTEST CHILD STARSInterviews with the grown-up versions of Hollywood's cutest child actors/alcoholics/sex addicts.
10:00 ABC BARBARA WALTERS'S 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2005Featuring Tom Cruise, Teri Hatcher, Condi Rice, and Lance Armstrong's remaining testicle.
Wednesday, Nov 30
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEEROne of the best "creepy wooden puppet specials" EVER, featuring Santa acting like an asshole, and a clearly gay elf.
9:00 ABC LOSTFinally! Kate's original crime is revealed. (Five bucks says it's something stupid like ripping a "Do Not Remove" tag off a mattress.)
Where entertaining you is always job No. 1. steve@thestranger.com