Thursday, March 21

8:00 FAM WILLY WONKA--Movie

(1971) Naughty children are viciously disposed of by singing orange midgets.


Friday, March 22

8:00 OXY THE BIRDS--Movie

A party-time fun gal gets pecked by angry birds in this film from misogynistic weirdo Alfred Hitchcock.


Saturday, March 23

8:00 TNT THE MATRIX--Movie

(1999) Keanu Reeves knows kung fu and can run up walls.


Sunday, March 24

5:30 ABC ACADEMY AWARDS

All I'm gonna say is that if Patrick Swayze doesn't get a Lifetime Achievement award this year... I'm gonna go FREAKING PSYCHO!!!


Monday, March 25

9:30 NBC THE COLIN QUINN SHOW

A new live comedy show hosted by the former SNL cast member and brother of MTV veejay Martha Quinn.


Tuesday, March 26

10:00 ABC THE COURT

Debut! Christ! Another freaking show about the Supreme Court? Apparently they think we're interested in a bunch of old fat conservatives with hemorrhoids!


Wednesday, March 27

9:30 FOX GREG THE BUNNY

Debut! Nasty-ass puppets find work on a kid's show. Co-starring Seth "Oz" Green and Eugene "SCTV" Levy!

Send your odes to Tony Slice-a-Baloney to steve@thestranger.com.