Film

This Week on TV

8:00 NBC FRIENDS

Chandler gets mad when Monica buys expensive boots more tanned and leathery than she is.

9:00 NBC WILL & GRACE

Jack is almost touched beyond belief when he receives a brand new bottle of lube and a tiger-striped thong.

8:00 UPN M*A*S*H 30th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL

Hawkeye and B. J. "Blowjob" Hunnicut reflect on how much their 30-year-old show sucked.

9:00 A&E AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN--Movie

(1982) Richard "Mayonnaise" Gere uses his Navy uniform to bone Debra Winger.

9:00 E! STAR DATES

Saved by the Bell heartthrob Dustin "Screech" Diamond goes out on two blind dates. Oh, you lucky, lucky girls!

10:00 VH1 MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE--Movie

(1991) This documentary chronicles the pinnacle of Madonna's career as she sings, dances, and mothers a bunch of snipey gay guys.

8:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC--Movie

(1965) Julie Andrews uses music to trick a bunch of dirty, stinking Aryan Nazi rat bastards.

10:30 MTV THE OSBOURNES

Kelly brings home her skanky new boyfriend to meet the family.

9:00 VH1 FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF--Movie

(1986) Matthew Broderick plays a budding megalomaniac who uses his friends to advance his own selfish causes.

10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE

Aging android Dick Clark rings in the new year in NY's Times Square.

10:30 MTV NEW YEAR'S EVE PAJAMA PARTY

Aging android Carson Daley rings in the new year in pajamas.

9:00 am CBS TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE

Oh, for the love of God, can you please BE QUIET?!? My fawking head is KILLING ME!!!

9:00 TNN PLATOON--Movie

(1986) Oliver Stone's nod to the 'Nam, starring Charlie Sheen and Willem Dafoe.

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