Thursday, March 13

9:00 ABC ARE YOU HOT?

There are only 16 people left in this competition, which means the rest of us are disgusting, ugly, and fat.


Friday, March 14

11:30 HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

The only show on television where the war-lovin' Bushies are getting the lickin' they deserve!


Saturday, March 15

8:00 TVLAND THE TV LAND AWARDS

John Ritter hosts this awards ceremony to celebrate old TV shows and the dead people who created them.


Sunday, March 16

9:00 ABC ALIAS

After learning the truth, furious Sydney goes ballistic on that backstabbing bitch of a mom!


Monday, March 17

10:30 MTV PUNK'D

The ever-dreamy Ashton Kutcher shows his naughty side with this new show featuring pranks and other ways to make normal people look stupid.


Tuesday, March 18

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

A whopping two-hour performance featuring 12 finalists, three bickering judges, and one increasingly annoying host.


Wednesday, March 19

9:00 FOX BERNIE MAC

Bernie draws the conclusion that fellow comedian Chris Rock is getting preferential treatment--and that's because he is, and he SHOULD.

Jesus still loves me. steve@thestranger.com