Thursday, March 23

8:30 5 DADDIO

Debut! Michael Chiklis (The Commish) stars as a stay-at-home dad in this 10-years-too-late rip-off of Mr. Mom.

9:30 5 BATTERY PARK

Debut! Elizabeth Perkins (The Flintstones) stars as a squad commander of quirky detectives in this 20-years-too-late rip-off of Barney Miller.


Friday, March 24

9:00 4 MAKING THE BAND

Debut! In this new reality series, 25 singers audition for a new all-boy group, and are slowly eliminated until their hopes and dreams are mercilessly crushed. Recommended!


Saturday, March 25

8:00 5 DOME TO DUST: REMEMBERING THE KINGDOME

A video salute to the ugliest goddam atrocity ever to host a monster-truck rally.

8:30 MTV MANDY MOORE'S SPRING BREAK MAKEOVER

Remember a year ago, when I was one of the first to say that teen singer Mandy Moore was going to be the next big thing? PLEASE GOD, FORGIVE ME!!


Sunday, March 26

5:30 4 THE ACADEMY AWARDS

Billy Crystal hosts, and in honor of Oscar nominee American Beauty, opens the show with a singing and dancing salute to pedophilia!

9:00 DSC DWARF: STANDING TALL

Well... not everybody watches the Academy Awards, you know!


Monday, March 27

8:00 5 FREAKS & GEEKS

Lindsay runs over a dog (pothead!!), and Bill panics when his gym teacher begins dating his mom (nerd!!).

8:00 4 THE AUDREY HEPBURN STORY -- Movie

(2000) Starring Neutrogena girl Jennifer Love Hewitt, as Audrey Hepburn. Wow. There really isn't a god, is there?


Tuesday, March 28

8:00 22 BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

It's Thanksgiving, and Buffy and the gang are in a politically correct quandary when faced with having to kick the ass of a Native American ghost.


Wednesday, March 29

8:00 13 FUNNIEST GAME SHOW MOMENTS

Clips include Family Feud's Richard Dawson getting his tongue lodged in a contestant's throat.