8:00 5 FRIENDS
Bruce Willis attempts to rescue the gang when they are kidnapped by terrorists... waitasecond... that's Die Hard!
9:00 13 TRUTH BEHIND THE SITCOMS
Interviews with the cast of Welcome Back, Kotter reveal that Gabe Kaplan was, in fact, not very funny at all.
8:00 4 BOY MEETS WORLD
Series finale! What?? Series finale?? Goddammit! Give me back my Topanga!
9:00 USA DEATH WISH -- Movie
(1974) Death and mayhem ensue when badass Charles Bronson discovers someone is trying to control how much TV he watches.
8:00 4 JAWS -- Movie
(1975) Boy meets fish; boy loses fish; fish bites ass.
10:00 AP MARCH OF THE CRABS
Apparently this is about the migration of crabs to the ocean, and not a documentary about my last visit to the STD clinic.
7:00 4 GEPETTO -- Movie
(2000) Drew Carey sings and dances in this updated version of Pinocchio? Christ! Break open the Aleve!
10:00 4 THE PRACTICE
Eleanor continues her campaign of strident whining to get a guy off death row.
9:00 5 JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS -- Movie
Jason concludes his quest for the Golden Fleece after stumbling into the Men's Wearhouse.
9:00 13 ALLY MCBEAL
Giving Internet dating a try, Ally finds the man of her dreams in a bulimia chat room.
8:00 13 BATTLE OF THE CHILD GENIUSES
Prepubescent four-eyed nerds compete for cash, prizes, and a year's supply of asthma medication.
8:00 22 BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Ex-boyfriend beefcake, Angel, battles new boyfriend beefcake, Riley, for the heart of tasty cheesecake, Buff!
9:00 5 WEST WING
The President (Bill Clinton) gets so nervous about his approval ratings, he swears off interns for a month.
