8:30 NBC INSIDE SCHWARTZ

Debut! A nebbishy sportscaster can't score with the chicks, so he fantasizes about athletes. Rrrowwrr!

10:00 CBS THE AGENCY

Debut! Gil Burrows (Ally McBeal) stars as a sensitive agent working for the CIA. Okay, that's believable.

9:00 FOX PASADENA

A new nighttime soap that's dag-NASTY!!

10:00 ABC ONCE AND AGAIN

Season premiere! Lily and Rick's families move in together, and all is well--until Eli gets locked up in the pokey!

8:00 ABC MISS AMERICA PAGEANT

Nothing says "America" like a girl in a swimsuit playing the trombone and waxing poetic about "world peace."

9:00 CBS CITIZEN BAINES

Debut! A senator loses the election and returns home to face the humiliation he so rightly deserves.

8:00 FOX RUSH HOUR--Movie

(1998) Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan team up to put the whup-ass on criminals and exchange racial barbs.

7:00 FX BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

The FX network is rerunning the entire first season of Buffy! Whoopee!!

8:00 FOX WHO WANTS TO BE A PRINCESS?

Three women compete for the love of a European prince. And now I will vomit down my shirt.

8:30 ABC WHAT ABOUT JOAN?

Debut! A new sitcom starring Joan Cusack. And speaking of which... what about my syphilis??

9:00 ABC BOB PATTERSON

Debut! Jason Alexander stars as a short, fat crabby guy who is a motivational speaker. (Hey! At least the "speaker" part is new!)

8:00 UPN STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE

Debut! A prequel to the original Star Trek, with Scott Bakula as the hot 'n' horny predecessor to Cap'n Kirk!

9:00 NBC WEST WING

Season premiere! Prez Bartlet forgets to apologize to the country for the MS thingy. Whoopsy!