Yeah, yeah, homosexuals are valuable members of society—worthy of equal rights in housing, employment, health care, marriage, and anything else you've got. (Except NASCAR—freaky straights can keep that shit.) But that doesn't mean the gays are beyond reproach. Below is a list of crimes, from quirky queer peccadilloes to first-degree homosexual felonies. Many of these crimes may seem minor, and indeed pose little problem when taken on their own. But accumulation is fatal. In legal parlance: One strike—say, an excessive zealousness for Rent—is fine. Two strikes—excessive zealousness for Rent and ownership of a Chihuahua—is acceptable. But three strikes—loving Rent, owning a Chihuahua, and cannibalizing the corpses of all those dead hookers in your basement—and you're out. Out like Uggs in the summer, out like Nicole Richie's jutting collarbones, OUT. Your text messages will not be returned. Your Evites will go unanswered. True love will elude you. You'll be cast out of gay society—yes, even Thumpers—and banished to a lonely hell of your own making.

See for yourself! Mix and match! Good luck!

• Membership in NAMBLA

• Membership in Log Cabin Republicans

• Membership in Britney Spears fan club

• Sculpted eyebrows

• Yam-toned tanning-booth skin

• Halitosis

• Homophobia

• Heterophobia

• Comb-over

• Ordination as Catholic priest

• Nonconsensual hitting

• Alcoholic blackouts

• The wearing of capri pants off the island of Capri

• The wearing of sunglasses indoors

• The wearing of mesh shirts anywhere

• Believing drag to be more interesting than it is

• Believing drag to be less interesting than it is

• Racism

• Gay-boy misogyny

• Bulimia

• Owning a Clay Aiken CD

• Sleeping with Clay Aiken

• Being Clay Aiken

• Excessive use of "She-bonics"

• Regular use of the letter "i" to spell "boi"

• Any use of the phrase "breed my ass" in an internet chatroom

• Having children with your lesbian partner and then attempting to deny her visitation rights when you split up

• Catheter fetish

• Murder fetish

• Meth fetish

• Possession of an itsy-bitsy dog

• Possession of an itsy-bitsy dog in a sweater

• Possession of a photo of you with your itsy-bitsy dog in a sweater framed in your home

• Anti-sissy bigotry (you don't have to sleep with them, just be nice)

• Anti-fatty bigotry (you don't have to sleep with them, just be nice)

• Anti-Christian bigotry (you don't have to sleep with them, just be nice)

• Anti-A&F-boy bigotry (you know you want to sleep with them, so why not be nice?)

• Discussing your love of rimming in a loud voice in a restaurant (applies even on Broadway)

• Un-ironic possession of Brokeback Mountain love theme dance remix

• Ironic appreciation of Paris Hilton

• Un-ironic appreciation of Paris Hilton

• Regular use of the word "whatever"

• Euphemistic use of the words "party" and "play"

• Any use of the phrase "straight acting"

• Improper use of that little sliver of land between 520 and Lake Washington Boulevard in the Arboretum

• Driving a red Mazda Miata

• Driving a red Mazda Miata blaring horrible dance music

• Serial murder

• Inability to have an orgasm without porn/poppers/autoerotic asphyxiation

• Inability to resist slipping someone a roofie, then making them fuck your face

• Inability to find Iraq on a map

• Inability to log off of Veoh.com

• Constructing a woman-suit out of the skins of real women

• Failure to come out to family

• Failure to come out to coworkers

• Failure to come out of Club Z for 72 hours straight

• Failure to come up with a better answer to the question "What's your favorite book?" than Me Talk Pretty One Day

• Compulsive flirtation

• Compulsive masturbation

• Compulsive quoting of Mommie Dearest

• "Hooping"

• Same-sex cannibalism

• Overappreciation of Will & Grace

• Underappreciation of Dina Martina

• Any appreciation of Andrew Lloyd Webber

• Erotic feelings toward children

• Erotic feelings toward animals

• Erotic feelings toward Guy, the computer-animated spokesrobot in the Ultimate Flooring TV ads

• Wearing glitter

• Owning Glitter

• Failure to read Gore Vidal

• Failure to appreciate the Magnetic Fields

• Failure to stop lying to your friends because of your rampaging meth addiction

• Posting online photos of your flaccid wang

• Posting online photos of your erect wang

• Posting online photos of someone else's wang then claiming it as your own

• Posting online photos of your exposed butthole

• Rainbow-striped anything (exceptions: sherbet, coffins, rainbows)