Lisa Aileen Dragani

Attention, men who aren't getting laid: Listen. Speaking for all womankind here, I am so sorry. It is truly terrible news that that one skank didn't bang you that one time, even after you purchased for her a generous portion of smoked-salmon fettuccine Alfredo and unlimited breadsticks and two glasses of Riesling. I am sorry that your balls became so very, very blue.

I'm sure it was the skank's fault for being a frigid gold digger (or, more accurately, a smoked-salmon-­fettuccine-Alfredo-and-unlimited-breadsticks-and-Riesling digger, or, even more accurately, a person looking for interesting conversation and possibly even a few moments of genuine human connection), and definitely not YOUR fault for being a creepy opportunist who thinks that supplying a woman with carbs and cream sauce is a purely economic transaction that entitles you to stick your johnson into her mouth or vagina posthaste. Although, while we're on the topic, why are you even going out with a woman who would order fettuccine Alfredo in a restaurant? She sounds fat, like a big manatee or Rosie O'Donnell. Don't settle, brah! You are in it to win it! You are powerful, you have a johnson, and your johnson deserves to go in a hole of some kind. This is America. There's GOT to be a better way!!!

Spencer Walker's Cook to Bang aims to show you that way. Subtitled The Lay Cook's Guide to Getting Laid, Cook to Bang offers like a million totally good points, historical facts, and quesadilla recipes guaranteed to get a woman's vagina to open up and unfold like an Awesome Blossom from Chili's. (The book is ostensibly also for undersexed women looking to cook to bang, but those references are clearly perfunctory edits. "The art of war is about making your enemy your friend... or in this case your girlfriend or boyfriend." Everyone knows that if a woman isn't getting banged, it's because she is either an uptight bitch or a disgusting fatty.)

You could read the whole book—and you DEFINITELY should if you enjoy hilarious cultural references like New Coke (timely!) and Whole Foods (aka "Whole Paycheck," where does he come up with this stuff!?)—but for aspiring bangers who just don't have time to read all 230 pages of anecdotes about the different time periods and locations in which Spencer Walker has received blue balls from skanks, I condensed it for you. Here you go.

1. What the fuck is cooking to bang and why should you do it!?!?!? Is there a historical precedent for preparing food and then eating it in the company of another human person? Walker explains:

Food and sex have been linked since the dawn of civilization. Cavemen once roasted saber-toothed tiger kebabs for their cave babes. This set the mood for Cro-Magnon copulation. Neanderthals knew the importance of cooking for their lovers. This has been lost on the modern dating population. Most of these First World suckers are willing to blow half their paycheck on a fancy dinner only to end up with a doggy bag and blue balls.

This is an excellent point. Cavemen knew that they didn't have to spend piles and piles of shiny stones and lizard pelts to wine and dine their cavewomen in fancy cave restaurants, only to get back to their cave apartments and NOT get banged in nests made of their own hair and dung. You modern cavebitches are triflin'.

2. Better yet, cooking and banging is even easier now than it was for those cavemen: "Cooking has evolved from brontosaurus burgers to eight-course chef's tasting menus. Seduction started with clubbing your fancy then dragging them by the hair into your cave." We should not take our modern good fortune for granted! Although dragging an unconscious skank back to your Cro-Magnon rape cave might have been a bit easier on the wallet, modern men don't have to spend nearly as much money on bludgeoning instruments. Why not try a nice piece of salmon, instead?

3. Know your skank. Walker walks potential bangers through the different kinds of "whores" they might meet while out on the town, along with specific seduction techniques tailored to each one. Here's the entry on "HIPSTER HO-BAGS":

Every time I indulge in this flesh, I do so ironically. But then I do the walk of shame thinking, "Fucking hipsters." This scourge of kids in pants so tight they cut off the circulation to their brains is the lowest point on the devolutionary scale. Nothing unites this tribe double-dipped in pretension save for indifference—that and cocaine.

Hipster Ho-Bags, Walker explains, "will eat almost anything if it seems weird, different, or retro." That's why he suggests serving cactus fajitas (oh, those Mexicans and their traditional ironic foodstuffs!) and a "Sexier Than Dead Elvis Sinwich," which is literally just a peanut butter and banana sandwich. It couldn't be easier! Now put your dick in there.

4. What if you identified your skank, executed the appropriate type of quesadilla perfectly, and the skank STILL doesn't want to bang? No worries, says Walker. It all comes back to the caveman again: "A Cook to Bang chef is a wartime general in the kitchen and bedroom. Never give up like Poland in World War II. Fight until your last dying breath. Get what you want by any means necessary." RAPE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT SKANK. Don't not rape a skank, like Poland in World War II. Skank.

5. Light some candles, you animal. recommended