Tinkle
w/the Thermals Fri May 20;
w/the New Pornographers Sun May 22, Showbox, 8 pm, $20
($500/$1,000 reserve tables also available).

These are important times for our underage scene. Seattle is home to a handful of dedicated all-ages venues, perhaps the most prominent of which is the Vera Project, a learning and performance space run on public support (see sidebar). As part of the 2005 Vera and Service Board fundraiser, Drink for the Kids (May 17-22), the Showbox is hosting two nights of comedy with the adolescent-minded Tinkle team. Tinkle-comprising funny guys David Cross, Jon Benjamin, and Todd Barry-formed in New York a couple years back, in Cross' words, as "a bold, edgy, different way to get free drinks." In honor of the fundraising week, we've asked the members of Tinkle to offer their random personal reflections on the theme of being underage. Enjoy. -Eds.

 

As a kid, you are faced with many hardships. Sometimes everything seems too much to cope with... peer pressure, family issues, drugs, and alcohol. Do you get that plastic surgery you want to improve your looks? Do you run away from home to be with that 48-year-old geography teacher who asked you to run away with him? Do you keep that baby you have... (that guy was cute who gave it to you)? Do you lift up your shirt and show your breasts when that guy from Girls Gone Wild, along with a shitty comic, approaches you at a party? So many questions... so many consequences... I don't have all the answers, but I do think I can help... by giving you a song to inspire you. I hope it makes you feel better about life and its possibilities. Sing it with your friends at parties or at recess or, if your family is having trouble, go to your room and sing it to yourself. It's just one thing, but sometimes one thing can change everything.

"I Can Do It" (A song specifically for troubled teens), sung to the tune of "Theme from Rocky" (Note-It helps to download "Theme from Rocky" and sing along to the music):

Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah,

Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dahhhhh

I can do it, I can do it/Today, today.

I am sad, I am down, I am troubled, all the time/But I know in my heart, I can make a positive change.

I can do it, I can do it/Today, today.

I feel ugly, I feel dumb, I have trouble with everyone/Days seem so hopeless... what am I supposed to do?

I can do it, I can do it/Today, today.

I know tomorrow, I will try/To make an effort not to cry.

I will stay in school and study/And maybe join an extracurricular club.

I can do it. I can do it/Today. Today.

Look, I am not a doctor or even a psychologist, but I am a music enthusiast and aspiring songwriter. I'm also a guy who recognizes that teens need inspiration and something they can turn to when everything else seems to be conspiring against them. Music is not always the only answer, but it certainly doesn't hurt. Does it? I mean, has anyone ever been killed by a song? Has a baby died because someone sang a tune? I don't think so. Life is a special thing and I just want all those teens who hurt inside to start getting better and improving themselves so this world won't be so horrible. Teens are like a time bomb and my song is like the pliers that cut the right wire to stop the timer that is connected to the bomb that makes the bomb detonate, thus destroying many lives.

Peace and love, JON BENJAMIN

 

When The Stranger asked me to write an essay about underage kids, I said, "Um, nice try" (I know a sting operation when I see one). But I couldn't say no to a newspaper that put me in the Stranger Suggests column when I was in town performing at Giggle's Comedy Club. And besides, I used to work with kids as a substitute teacher in New York City.

It occurred to me recently that some of my former students are adults now, living all over the country, maybe even here in Seattle. I imagined a scenario:

I'm sitting alone at the Cha Cha Lounge. An attractive young woman sits next to me. She looks familiar.

"Jenny Johnsonstein?" I ask.

She gasps, "Mr. Barry?!"

"This is crazy, Jenny!"

We'd hug.

"I'd offer to buy you a drink, Jenny, but it would feel wrong and immoral," I'd say with complete sincerity.

"But Mr. Barry," she'd fire back, "I'm 28! I've been divorced twice! I beat a meth problem, and I have multiple piercings!"

"Two Long Island iced teas, bartender."

"Ooh, Mr. Barry. My favorite!"

"Oh, my lord, Jenny," I say as I steal a glance at her Temple of the Dog neck tattoo. "I remember when you were only 15 and I couldn't legally buy you a Long Island iced tea!"

"That's okay. I was just grateful for that dinner at Bennigan's. What are you doing in town, Mr. Barry?"

"I'm doing a show at the University of Washington. They're paying me a ton of money. Then I do two benefit shows at the Showbox with David Cross and Jon Benjamin. I won't be paid for those shows, but let me reiterate, I'm getting a huge paycheck from the University of Washington."

"What are the benefits for, Mr. Barry?"

"Please call me Todd."

"What are the benefits for, Todd?"

"You know what, I like 'Mr. Barry' better."

"What are the benefits for, Mr. Barry?"

"Charities that help underage kids," I'd say.

"Oh, Mr. Barry! You haven't lost your commitment to underage kids! I'd love to go to one of the benefits."

"Great, I'll buy you a ticket. I'll use some of the money I'm making at UW."

"That's okay, Mr. Barry. I'll buy my own ticket, and one for my boyfriend, too."

"B-b-boyfriend?" I say, trying to play it cool.

"Yes," she'd smile. "In fact, here he comes now."

I'd see the man approach. I'd turn as white as the background of the Mudhoney patch on Jenny's backpack, and I'd stammer, "Mr. McKinley! The Drivers' Ed teacher! B-b-b-b-b-b-but everyone thought you were GAY!" TODD BARRY

 

I don't have children, at least none that I know about J (I mean, that have survived), but I imagine someday that I will. I suppose that I will face the same difficult moral challenges that all parents face. And I suppose too that I will find those challenges, mistakenly, to be unique to my generation. What life lessons will I teach them? What lessons should be better left to TV to teach? Where do I draw the line at individual freedoms? What little white lies will I tell about my past and what dirty truths will I reveal? Should I leave the room when the equivalent of The Simple Life comes on TV? Or should I act as an addendum to the show and explain that if you want to attain a level of celebrity in our culture, there's no better, easier way than to suck cock like a champ. "Honey, I know you're only 13 but if you really want to be a 'superstar' and have your own makeup line just for puppies, then you really need-not now of course, you'll have to wait a few years-to abandon any kind of self-respect that I've hopefully instilled in you and get down to that restaurant that Ashton Kutcher owns and get to getting." Hopefully my children will be white and male, thus decreasing by 75 percent the "life's unfair" speeches I will have to give. But, maybe they won't be. Perhaps they will grow up to reject all things thoughtless and maybe they will find their way to my old albums and shitty mix-tapes that I will strategically leave around the house for them to discover. Maybe at age 14 they will want to put on a bunch of black eyeliner and go to some all-ages straightedge punk shows at the rec center. Will I stomp and stammer and have a 1950s/2005-era Christian parent freak-out? Nope. I will excitedly point them in the direction of the club, help pay for their fake ID (they're not all all-ages shows) and gas up the car for them. Then I will wait at home, and sit back proudly knowing there will be at least one less asshole in the world. Then I will secretly jerk off to the latest Jessica Simpson video. Yay! Everyone's a winner! DAVID CROSS

Underage Organizations
A Toast to the Kids

All-ages nonprofit venue the Vera Project has been going strong since hosting its first show in January 2001. Although the organization is city-sponsored, only about 20 percent of Vera's necessary funding comes from the city; the rest comes from grants and donations. Enter A Drink for the Kids, a benefit to raise awareness and money (the goal is a whopping $50,000) for the all-ages scene. The early part of the fundraiser hit the Ballard and Belltown neighborhoods, and on Thursday, May 19, A Drink moves to Capitol Hill, where you can grab a charitable beverage at Linda's Tavern, the War Room, Chapel, or the Cha Cha, where a portion of the drink sales go to local all-ages organizations. (While drinking at these bars, you can also pick up a $20 ticket to see Tinkle perform at the Showbox.) Fifty percent of the Tinkle ticket price goes to Vera, and the other half goes to the Service Board, which allows high-school students to work with mentors and perform community service (www.theserviceboard.org). MEGAN SELING