What follows are some tips from Seattle's bartenders on how not to look like an amateur on amateur night. Don't get us wrong: There's nothing wrong with being an amateur. Still, you don't want to look like one, do you? And never let it be said that amateurs aren't welcome in bars and clubs on New Year's Eve--or any other night of the year. Bar owners and bartenders want you to come out and have a good time. They just don't want to clean up your vomit, watch you dance shirtless on their cocktail tables, or toss you out for giving drunken blowjobs in their bathrooms. Take their advice to heart, o amateurs, and bartenders will love you, you won't go home covered in your own vomit, and your boobs won't appear on the video box for Seattle Girls Gone Wild!: New Year's Eve 2002! --Dan Savage
"Don't order stupid drinks or time-sensitive drinks. Someone who comes in and says, 'Can I have five zombies and three blowjobs?' is going to spend 50 bucks, it's going to take fifteen minutes to serve, and they're not going to tip. In the time it takes to make all those drinks, we could've served--and been tipped by--a lot of people who want beers." --Rob Astle, general manager, Linda's
"Don't address any waiter or waitress as 'honey,' 'babe,' 'baby,' or anything like that. And don't touch us, no matter what. You're not at frickin' Hooters. Unless you're at Hooters." --Britt Jorgensen, cocktail server, Linda's
"Don't try to prove your manhood." --Customer, the Canterbury
"A lot of rookies don't remember to eat--in fact, rookies almost never do. They think they can tear it up and have a great time and drink on an empty stomach. So they have three or four or five drinks, or one shot too many, and they get belligerent, or they pass out. If you want to be awake at midnight, remember to eat." --Joe Fraser, manager, Fadó Irish Pub
"Don't even think you can walk outside and stand in the street with your drink. And don't think there isn't someone watching." --Matt Toepke, bartender, Summit Public House
"Drink your regular drink; tipping is really very sexy; have your money ready when you get to the bar. For the girls: No squealing. For the boys: No air buddies." --Sarah, bartender, Rendezvous
"Know when to stop. When you order one drink and it looks like there are three in front of you, that's usually a sign. And stick to drinking something you know. Or stick to the old standards: vodka tonic, gin and tonic. Or stick to bottled Bud Light. It's hard to screw that up." --Eric Bonesteel, bartender, Guppy's West Seattle
"Don't walk around with a lit cigarette if you've had too much to drink. You'll burn holes in people's expensive clothes. And if you burn a hole in some seven-foot-tall drag queen's taffeta dress, she'll put out one of your eyes with one of her heels." --Jeff Resta, bartender, R Place
"Be nice, be kind, and be in the bathroom if you have to puke. Don't puke all over our bar. We hate that." --Nicole Greer, bartender, College Inn Pub
"Try to have some idea of what you would like when you belly up to the bar." --Rob Frishkoff, Lobo Saloon
"Keep your head out of the champagne fountain." --Willow Letellier, cocktail server and waiter, Alibi Room.
"Don't complain about how expensive everything is. People who go out New Year's Eve don't go out generally and so they don't know how expensive things are. We don't jack up the prices on New Year's Eve. Trust me." --Kate Tottenham, bartender, W Hotel
"Here are my pet peeves: People who wait in line a really long time, then get to the bar and they're not ready to order. Or they stand in what is obviously a long line, buy their drinks, and then turn around and lean on the bar and start drinking. There's a line, remember? You've got to pick up your drinks and move to another part of the bar so that other people in line can get to the bar and get their drinks." --Orion Protonentis, bartender, The Last Supper Club
"Don't order shots with stupid names, like a 'Windex,' or a 'Dead Nazi,' or any of those. I refuse to make them." --Amee S., bartender, Hattie's Hat
"Don't order a drink and pluralize it--'Give me a vodka and tonics'--when you really only want one. And don't ever tell a bartender you want your drink strong. That will get you a short pour for sure." --Andy Case, bartender, Contour
"Don't grind your teeth and ask for water all night long." --Amy German, bartender, Toi
"Don't cry into your beer. It's the start of a new year, so look ahead. It's dangerous when drunk people start looking back over the last year and think about everything that went wrong. Don't reflect, okay? And don't fight with the person you're out on a date with. And if you must get it on right this minute, take it to a hotel room, not one of our barstools." --Sally Murphy, bartender, Murphy's Pub
"Don't dry hump and dirty dance on everyone you see." --Molly Hodges, Jell-O shot girl, Polly Esther's
"Leave when it's time to close." --Stephen Mollmann, bartender, Twilight Exit
