NO NANNY: My spy at Woodinville's Chateau Ste. Michelle winery whispers that the once-mighty, 45-year-old, four-times-married supermodel Christie Brinkley came to town Thurs 6/24 as a spokesperson for "Domaine," Ste. Michelle's sparkling wine. The report: "There was a big faux New Year's bash thrown right before the Bill Cosby concert that night. Fellow employees buzzed about 'her cute shoes,' and one astute customer asked, 'Are you Christie Brinkley? What are you doing here?'" (Good question!) Before the Divine Miss B slipped out in her limo, she nabbed $600 in freebies from the wine shop. According to my celebrity snitch, "The greatest debacle of the evening may have been Christie's nanny problems; a fellow employee had to watch over the darlings during the entire soirÉe."

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FINE DINING: On Sat 6/26 at 1:30 am, "allegedly following a night of carousing," author Jan T. Gregor (Circus of the Scars, about modern-day circus freaks; see www.circusofthescars.com) was spotted chowing down with the mute, pint-sized Teller--half of the world-famous magician/illusionist/escapologist team Penn & Teller--at Dick's on Broadway. Teller reportedly enjoyed "a deluxe, a fry, two tartars, and a hand-dipped shake." So if Teller can't talk--how did he order? ··· And was that Paul Newman--the blue-eyed actor with the golden palate--at Campagne last Wed 6/23? But it gets better: Dining at Campagne that same night was Starbucks bigwig Howard Schultz. Hmm. Coincidence, or... are they in LOVE ?? ··· Hunky TV actor/Aleve pitch man Tom Skerritt dined at trendy Monsoon on 19th Ave E. My spy Marie notes, "He looked relaxed in a dress shirt and slacks, content with the company and the delicious cuisine." Well at least someone's happy... my ass hurts.

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FOR ALL YOU SMOKERS cashing in your Marlboro points or whatever the heck it is you people do, the secret show at the Fenix this Thurs 7/1 will star Los Lobos. Never mind how I know! (Non-smokers are welcome to crash--but bring a gas mask! Kaff! Kaff!)

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A DISGRUNTLED HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT WRITES: "Dear Shirley, Home Improvement's own Richard Karn came to Roosevelt High School [Karn's alma mater] Thurs 6/17 for an exclusive interview with the press [promoting his "Star Days" Eastside charity golf tourney]. He made us lowly students blow off our second period class, and then his evil Swedish bodyguard bullied us into cleaning up the stage for the interview. He was an ass that got sandwich crumbs all over our stage." So class, what did you learn from your encounter with the big TV star? "Karn's ass IS as BIG as it is on TV."

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WOULD-BE THESPIAN/esteemed Governor Gary Locke showed up with his bigwig pals at fab cabaret Teatro ZinZanni last Thurs 6/24, and a good time was had by all--until Gare had to... EWWWW!!... touch a drag queen! At each performance, sexy drag queen Cookie singles out a lucky soul for an audience participation gag, and tonight was Gary's turn. Locke was supposed to die in Cookie's ample, heaving bosom, but instead he fell to the floor. Cookie explained to the Guv that he did it wrong, that he was supposed to fall into her bosom... so do it again! Squeamish hetero Gary, obviously frightened and overwhelmed by unnatural feelings strange and new, could not comply, and once again fell to the floor. Hey Guv: No matter what those Republicans say, you can't "catch" homosexuality. If it's any comfort, when you married that Mona babe, you automatically received a homo cootie shot. So RELAX, man!!

HEY READERS: Keep the poop comin' on the klepto TV newscaster! We're closing in! shirley@thestranger.com