ABOUT TOWN: Spotted Fri 4/23 getting a post-show drinky at the Cha-Cha: pretty prodigy Rufus Wainwright, who played earlier that night at ARO.space. My source says, "Yum! He's cuter in person!" But up the street at the Sea Wolf, a hipster table was heard grousing about Roofie: not only is he overrated, his outfit--stripes & polka dots--was "unforgivable"! · · · Mon 4/19 in the Key Tower elevator: ex-Batman Val Kilmer, showin' off his pecs in a black silk shirt--top 2 buttons open, baby! He's "super tan," his hair "really cool, w/ golden blond on top of dark caramel roots." When he waved bye-bye to our chatty TTS spy, suave Val never took his hand out of his trench-coat pocket. Sure he was "cocky," but--rrowrr!--who can blame him?

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CINERAMA DRAMA: Thurs 4/22: charming, childlike billionaire Paul Allen reopens Cinerama, and my reliable readers didn't skimp on the dish! · · · Bill & Melinda Gates showed up--oddly, NOBODY reported seeing Bill rocking back & forth... though one Gates-watcher noted, "He has the posture of an 80-yr-old woman"! · · · Kathi Goertzen, who attended with two gents, had to leave early (10:05 pm) for her KOMO 4 newscast. Saint Kathi's companions stayed--but after they left... Good GOLLY! It looked like "a pack of bobcats" had been mating in their seat row! Large popcorns, upended drink cups, "shredded" napkins--whatta mess! · · · Kathi wasn't the only unruly local newsie: a certain Ron Corning admirer files this report: "The Q13 news squad was there in full force and, yes, Ron is much yummier in person. I didn't get the chance to talk to him as he and the weekend weatherboy [Walter Kelley?] split for drinks. But I did have the pleasure of waiting in the popcorn line behind Leslie Miller (babe), Kerri Kazarba (foxy), and the main anchor guy, Scott Engler (who kept commenting on the ass of Katherine Zeta-Jones, the chick in the crappy movie they showed, Entrapment). The place was chock full of local news folks, not the celebrities they were saying would be there. So as we're waiting in line, the lady that just had brain surgery [St. Kathi Goertzen] walks in, and the Q13 kids brush her off!! I can't stand it, because they are all so beautiful. Can beautiful people be that cruel? Anyway, Ron and the weatherboy come back, and Ron is talking up some guy who's wearing--brace yourself--a black leather jacket with BROWN FUCKING TOPSIDERS!! Even Susan Powter couldn't stop that kind of insanity!" Amen, brother!

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HEY SIFF VOLUNTEERS, USHERS, & FANS! You too can be one of Shirley's "Thousand Points of Spite" (TPS) at this year's film fest! Spot a celeb? Here's the drill:

· Start with your five W's: Who, What, Where, When... uh, make that four W's.

· Do a gut-check: Is Mr./Ms. Celeb down-to-earth, or too big for their britches? Do they give you the warm fuzzies... or the coooooold willies?

· What are they wearing? Do they look different than you imagined? How do they smell (IMPORTANT!)? What have they just spilled on themselves? Are they tipsy? Any quirks or tics? Were they--just maybe--stinkin' up the can?

I'm told we'll be stunned by the star power at SIFF this year--early hint-hints include Anthony Michael Hall (portraying Bill Gates in Pirates of Silicon Valley), stainless director John Sayles, and venerable stud Nick Nolte (where Nolte goes, look for wacky NewsRadio redhead Vicki Lewis!). However, I care at least as much about stardom's "90-lb. weaklings" as I do about the Hollywood heavyweights--so send ALL your celebrity sightings to shirley@thestranger.com, or leave a voice mail message at 323-7101 ext. 3137.