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VEEP SWEEPS!

When Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush selected former Defense Secretary Dick Cheney as his running mate, his message was clear: "I want an elderly hawk conservative with a heart condition to be MY vice president!!" But Bush's goofy flub could easily be Al Gore's greatest boost. In the wake of the Cheney choice, Gore is poised to distinguish himself with an equally audacious selection--and Democratic Party strategists are urging Gore to be the first Democratic presidential candidate since Walter Mondale to choose a woman as his running mate. The Stranger couldn't agree more! Here are our suggestions for Gore/Woman tickets that cannot fail.

1. Gore/Winfrey

Judging from the success of her talk show, book club, diet guides, national magazine, and television network, one can safely assume that a majority of Americans would be completely content to have entertainment magnate Oprah Winfrey control every single aspect of their lives. In selecting Winfrey as his running mate, Gore would display a canny knowledge of his constituents' deep desires, and would create a ballot that simply--even if Gore was caught snorting coke out of Oprah's butt crack--could not fail.

2. Gore/Nicastro

Sure, she's a bit of a novice--but maverick Seattle City Council Member Judy Nicastro already displays all of the traits Americans require from a female politican: She's smart, sexy, ballsy, and funny; and if she's not a lesbian, she at least has the political savvy to look like one! In selecting Judy Nicastro as his running mate, Gore would show his faith in the future, and his willingness to gamble on an unknown but entirely worthy upstart.

3. Gore/Child

In selecting best-selling pop group Destiny's Child as his running mate, Gore would place himself in firm opposition to boring old Bush and his geriatric-pleasing choice of Dick Cheney, and align himself with the as-yet-untapped Total Request Live voting block. Plus, with their hard-edged approach to capital gains and corporate welfare, the Gore/Child administration will certainly provide middle-to-low income tax breaks to help pay those "Bills, Bills, Bills"!

Previously in New Column!

In the premiere and definitive installment of our internationally acclaimed new column OUI or NON, Stranger readers officially condemned the fashion faux pas of CAPRI PANTS FOR MEN, offering a passionant 287 votes NON! to a maladroit 165 votes OUI!

Following the phenomenal success of PRO or CON, YEA or NAY, and OUI or NON, we've grown tired of slumming in the court of public opinion. So this week we offer a fabulous NEW COLUMN!

MIX 'N' MATCH!

This week, the Stranger column Last Days (see left) focused on a series of instructional social service videotapes which Last Days author David Schmader found in an abandoned sack on the street. Now we want to share the wealth. Simply match the celebrity on the right with the most suitable instructional video on the left. The first person to send in a correct contest form wins the entire bag of videotapes!

1. The Savage Cycle: A Video on Domestic Violence

2. Childhood Lost: A Video about Child Abuse

3. Keisha's Choice: A Video about Pregnancy and Drug Abuse

4. Speaking for Ourselves: Portraits of Gay and Lesbian Youths

Send your completed contest forms (along with your name and address) to Mix 'n' Match, c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., Third Floor, Seattle, WA, 98122. Good luck!

From the Jul 20 - Jul 26, 2000 issue

In the first and final installment of our groundbreaking column YEA or NAY?, Stranger readers confirmed their support of the mapping of human DNA, with a robust 214 votes yea to a paltry 96 votes nay. Following the demise of the legendary Yea or Nay?, we offer a scintillating new column....

OUI or NON?

This week:

CAPRI PANTS FOR MEN:

OUI or NON?

OUI! Capri pants for men are a sassy kick in the fanny to the stuffy world of traditional menswear--why should girls have all the fun?

NON! Capri pants for men are the worst thing to happen to fashion since leg warmers or acid-washed anything, and anyone seen wearing them should immediately be struck with whatever's handy.

TO REGISTER YOUR VOTE:

call 323-7101, ext. 3099, after 5:30 pm.

From the Jul 13 - Jul 19, 2000 issue

In the final and most ferocious installment of the phenomenally popular PRO or CON column, Stranger readers just barely approved the Seattle Goose-O-Caust, with a bloodthirsty 252 votes pro to a goose-hugging 248 votes con.

Following the death of the beloved Pro or Con, we offer our groundbreaking new column, YEA or NAY?

This week, an international coalition of scientists announced that they have successfully deciphered the entire makeup of human DNA. To many, this discovery is an almost impossibly thrilling innovation. To others, it's the beginning of the end of human life as we know it. Now we ask you.

DECIPHERING DNA:

YEA or NAY?

YEA: The deciphering of human DNA is a break-through on a par with the identification of the solar system or the invention of Olestra, and will lead mankind to a new, previously unimaginable level of evolution.

NAY: The deciphering of DNA can lead to nowhere but ruin, as it allows men to play God, and God should only be played by God Himself, or, in a pinch, by George Burns.

To register your vote, call 323-7101, ext. 3099, after 5:30 pm.