Youth is a time of bliss and song. It is also when the damned take their first baby steps toward the fiery dung heap of Hell. Remember Ezekiel 23: "They committed whoredoms in their youth: There were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity."

College offers particularly dire and manifold temptations—cheating on tests, cheating on your future spouse, cheating your brain out of future brilliance by soaking it in sloth and intoxication. This state of affairs did not "evolve" by accident—no, this is another example of our Lord's intelligent design. Most of us are not destined to get into Heaven, and college is when the serious winnowing starts. But temptation has its upside: The more people who cave to the Father of Lies on earth, the more leg room and peanuts you'll have in Heaven.

How can you be sure to get to the Eternal Kingdom? You can't. "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). The best you can do is arm yourself with God's word—the Holy Bible, your shield and sword, Father and friend, snuggly blanket and sexy blow-up doll. But since you are so young—and the Bible is so big—you may not have read the most relevant passages for college students, which is why Reverend Buddy's INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNED Back-to-School Bible is your new best friend.

In what is, for me, a painful exercise in ecumenicalism, I have asked clerics from other (heretical) strains of Christianity to contribute their advice. Inside, you'll find everything you need to know to successfully navigate your collegiate existence, from how to avoid credit predators, crappy sex, and STIs, to how to enjoy the glorious pleasures of getting drunk, experimenting with drugs, and committing the sin of homosexuality. Look to the "Ask Reverend Buddy!" boxes for handpicked Biblical guidance, and take comfort in the array of local notables who offer heartfelt prayers for your collegiate souls. Without exception, your university journeys will be riddled with sin. But with the wisdom illuminated in these pages, every student will be able to avoid the flames of Hell, for another four years at least.

Go forth, and God be with you.

Reverend Buddy