WE'RE NOT SURE, BUT WE THINK...
· Vidal Sassoon collects shih-tzus and is straight.
· Pedestrians always have the right of way.
· You neither starve a cold, nor feed a fever.
· Convertible cars are more dangerous than motorcycles.
· The same fungus used in making cheese is found in athlete's foot.
· Film star Patrick Swayze is Congressman Henry Hyde's nephew.
· Frank Lloyd Wright designed the Space Needle.
· The kids in The Blair Witch Project are really dead, and have been replaced by look-alikes.
· Swimming while eating will enhance your performance.
· Jean-Claude Van Damme is not really Austrian.
· Some cricket matches take as long as three days to play.
· Lesbians can smell better.
· The pads on dogs' feet continue to grow after they die.
· Actress Mira Sorvino won an Oscar.
· Wearing thong underwear causes anal fissures.
· Gulden's Mustard is nature's own Rohypnol.
· TV's Frasier is a practicing Scientologist.
· Reese's Pieces were originally conceived by Steven Spielberg.
· Lifting weights causes male pattern baldness.
Previously in New Column!
ART LINKLETTER'S"JERKS THROUGHOUT HISTORY"
L. L. ZAMENHOFF -- The Inventor of "Esperanto
In 1887, Polish resident L.L. Zamenhoff devised what he thought would become a "universal language -- one that would eventually be spoken in every nation of the world. He called it "Esperanto. It combines parts of words from many different existing languages, including English, Spanish, and French, and uses all of the existing alphabet except for the letters Q, W, X, and Y. Naturally, the experiment was deemed a ridiculous failure. Today "Esperanto is laughed at in every nation of the world (even third-world countries), and is universally regarded as "the language of fools. L.L. Zamenhoff -- Ha! Ha! What a jerk.
From the Aug 12 - Aug 18, 1999 issue
Milton Bradley was actually two people.
If you call the White House 30 times and hang up, you'll go to jail for six months.
Driving while wearing flip-flops is perfectly safe.
The Torah has only 15 more pages than the Bible.
Johnny Paycheck's biggest hit was "Take This Job and Shove It."
Mt. Rainier is the tallest mountain in America.
Staring at an eclipse will not seriously damage your eyes.
Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper are chemically identical.
Jumping up and down immediately following intercourse will yield twins.
Millard Fillmore was our 13th President.
Smoking the oil from a Jiffy Pop Popcorn package will get you high.
Bob Dylan's real name is Tony Rosenthal.
If you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeball will distend and tear your retina.
An ass is a donkey, and a hinny is a mule.
Assassin Carlos the Jackal was actor Bruno Kirby's freshman roommate at Penn State.
From the Aug 5 - Aug 11, 1999 issue
BEEN TURNED DOWN FOR LIFE INSURANCE?
It's a fact: Some families have more accidents than others—but is this any reason to be denied life insurance? Haven't you been punished enough? Your friends at Provincial Life Insurance Company think so, and are prepared to offer a policy which will protect your family should any more unfortunate accidents occur (and let's be realistic—they probably will).FOR ONLY PENNIES A DAY,
a Kennedy family member can obtain a ONE MILLION DOLLAR life insurance policy that can keep any surviving family member financially secure for at least a year. AND YOU CANNOT BE DENIED—FOR ANY REASON! As long as you have a full-time job or political appointment, monetary security for your loved ones is just a phone call away. And you'll find our coverage extends far beyond what other life insurance companies offer. Does your current life insurance plan protect you in case of:
• War-Time Death Due to Volunteering for Suicide Missions?
• Accidental Death at Birth?
• Accidental Drowning of Acquaintances?
• Political Assassination?
• Amputation (Accidental or Otherwise)?
• Automobile Accidents?
• Cocaine Addiction?
• Heroin Addiction?
• Football-Related Skiing Accidents?
• Accidental Plane Crashes?
Only Provincial Life Insurance can provide the Kennedy family with the coverage they need!
Provincial: Call 1-800-346-6478—TODAY!! (Before something else happens!)
From the Jul 29 - Aug 4, 1999 issue
RSS
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (0)