I regret nothing. How do you regret things you did for fun, because you wanted to, and because the world gave you extraordinary opportunities? Sure, I could say I regret getting caught—especially in such a crude and public manner—or maybe trot out some doctor to blame my philandering on "restless wang syndrome" or something, but my father raised me better than that, and I stand by every last floozy I boned. Seriously—do you know how much pussy just being Tiger Woods gets you? And not just easy pussy—seriously easy pussy, hot and sexy women literally begging for it. Let me tell you, hungry starfuckers are happy to do things you wouldn't dream of doing to someone whose name you were expected to remember. So mock all you want—"Tiger is a cheata!" etc.—but don't pretend you wouldn't have done the exact same thing, given the chance. So I'm getting a divorce. So my wife's gonna take half my money. Boo fucking hoo. Everyone in the world knows how much I value my marriage, and oh no—now I only have half a billion dollars! Woe is me! What do I regret? I only regret not boning more floozies.