Valentine's Day! Ahhhhhhh, Valentine's Day. Microsoft Encarta 99 defines Valentine's Day as "naked hugging on candy mountain," a definition codified by St. Valentine himself (inventor of fucking, CEO emeritus of Hallmark) in AD 269. Then he died. But fortunately for your genitals, romance did not die with him! In fact, as history proves (see "History," Microsoft Encarta 99), candy, sexy intercourse, Valentine's Day, Microsoft Encarta, and St. Valentine's desiccated corpse have been inextricably linked ever since. In the Microsoft Encarta 99 Multimedia CD-ROM Dictionary Tool, next to the phrase "naked hugging," there's a picture of Valentine's Day! And next to the word "candy," there's a picture of a thesaurus, and inside the thesaurus there's a hollowed-out hole that's filled with chocolate-covered porno and diamonds (4 the ladies), and underneath the diamonds there's a CD-ROM, and on the CD-ROM is a reproduction of an ancient tapestry of St. Valentine's desiccated corpse giving you a thumbs-up. WITH HIS DICK!!! This is known as the Sacred Shroud of Candy Mountain, and it lies in a holy place (Hard Rock Cafe, Vatican City). History, ladies and gentlemen. History.

But, as anyone well-versed in the tunnels of love knows, our modern Valentine's Day is sooooo much more complicated than all that! Every human is different, like a snowflake. And every romance is different, like two snowmen fucking, or one snowman and one snowwoman, or, you know, whatever you're into (freaks). So, logically, every Valentine's Day celebration must be different from every other Valentine's Day celebration. Some lovers like to eat pork immediately prior to intercourse, some enjoy spaghetti. Some humpees long to receive orgasms from their humpers, others prefer slaps in the mouth. But on one thing all romance-seekers can agree: LET'S WATCH A MOVIE.

So anyway, which movie to choose? I looked up "movies" on Microsoft Encarta 99, and it turns out that there are literally hundreds!!! And all of them different, kind of! To help out, for your pleasure and planning purposes, I have prepared an easy, SEXY quiz to determine exactly which romantic Valentine's Day date movie is right for you. No cheating! See you on candy mountain, eachotherfuckers!

1. You are:

A. A boy

B. A girl

C. Neither/both/outside the binary construct of gender/none of your business

D. A cat

E. Two cats

F. Ten cats standing on each other's shoulders wearing a trench coat and moonlighting as a detective (mostly milk theft, yarn crime)

2. Your Valentine's Day dream date is:

A. Brad Pitt

B. Julia Roberts

C. George Clooney

D. Madonna

E. Britney Spears

F. Tom Hanks

3. When your date picks you up, you hope he/she brings:

A. Diamonds

B. Diamond rings

C. Diamond necklaces

D. Diamonds and jewels and diamonds

E. Edible diamonds

F. Edible diamonds that have passed through the digestive tract of a sexy prostitute

4. At dinner, in your sexiest voice, you order:

A. "Garbage"

B. "Filet mignon"

C. "Food, please"

D. "Cat food, please (I am a cat)"

E. "Wine"

F. "Extra wine (IT'S MY MEDICINE)"

5. For dessert, you want:

A. Chocolate chocolate chocolate!

B. Crème brûlée

C. Ice cream or some shit like that

D. A wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E. A destination wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F. Wedding cake (HINT, HINT)

6. Your favorite sexual position is:

A. "Missionary"

B. "Dogs Playing Football"

C. "Dogs Playing Soccer"

D. "Dogs Playing Volleyball"

E. "Dogs Fucking Each Other"

F. "The Tom Hanks"

SCORING:

Give yourself one point for every A.

Give yourself two points for every B.

For every C, multiply your total points by 50,000.

Cut off one of your fingers for every D.

For every E, cut off someone else's finger and sew it onto your hand next to your real fingers.

Give yourself three points for every F.

0–10 points

You are... a HOPELESS ROMANTIC!

Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud!

Ha-ha, you still believe in happiness and true love? That's stupid. But you know what, kid? You've also got moxie, just like Buddy, the hero of Walt Disney's Air Bud! Much like you, who aren't afraid to fall in love even though the world is a cruel prison and everyone you care about will die one day, Buddy isn't afraid to play basketball even though he is an idiot dog! Put this movie on and you will quickly have access to all of your beloved's romance-holes. Enjoy it while it lasts.

11–50 points

You are... a SAD SACK!

Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: Golden Receiver!

Awwwww, looks like you're alone on Valentine's Day. But that's okay, because you're never really alone when you can hang out in your darkened apartment with an adorable dog that's fucking great at American football and even better at being a friend! Bow-wow! Fun fact: That dog is dead now.

51–1,000,000 points

You are... a VIRGIN!

Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: World Pup!

This is the one where Air Bud finally fucks Lady Air Bud. Watch and learn, virgin.

Thousands of points and no fingers

You are... DEAD!

Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: Spikes Back!

Sorry you died of blood loss (finger blood), but I'm sure your date won't mind snuggling up to your cold, stiff cadaver once he/she/etc. finds out that before losing consciousness you rented a movie about a dog with an uncanny talent for volleyball!!! Boom! Intercourse! There is also a wisecracking parrot.

0 points and 100 fingers

You are... READY TO PLOW!!!

Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch!

Hola, Casanova! It's time for you to "hit" a "home run" and not "foul out" in "right field" at the "big game" where a "precocious dog" is "playing baseball" with the "help" of a "wacky raccoon." IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I mean that you should incorporate a raccoon into your lovemaking.

1,000,000 to infinity points

You are... MEG RYAN!!!

Your perfect date movie is... You've Got Mail!

You. Are. Adorable.

PLAN B:

Just pick out a movie, any movie, watch it, then fuck. Jesus Christ. It's a fake holiday.