What Valentine's Day Movie Is Right For You?
Take This Handy Quiz to Find Out
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Valentine's Day! Ahhhhhhh, Valentine's Day. Microsoft Encarta 99 defines Valentine's Day as "naked hugging on candy mountain," a definition codified by St. Valentine himself (inventor of fucking, CEO emeritus of Hallmark) in AD 269. Then he died. But fortunately for your genitals, romance did not die with him! In fact, as history proves (see "History," Microsoft Encarta 99), candy, sexy intercourse, Valentine's Day, Microsoft Encarta, and St. Valentine's desiccated corpse have been inextricably linked ever since. In the Microsoft Encarta 99 Multimedia CD-ROM Dictionary Tool, next to the phrase "naked hugging," there's a picture of Valentine's Day! And next to the word "candy," there's a picture of a thesaurus, and inside the thesaurus there's a hollowed-out hole that's filled with chocolate-covered porno and diamonds (4 the ladies), and underneath the diamonds there's a CD-ROM, and on the CD-ROM is a reproduction of an ancient tapestry of St. Valentine's desiccated corpse giving you a thumbs-up. WITH HIS DICK!!! This is known as the Sacred Shroud of Candy Mountain, and it lies in a holy place (Hard Rock Cafe, Vatican City). History, ladies and gentlemen. History.
But, as anyone well-versed in the tunnels of love knows, our modern Valentine's Day is sooooo much more complicated than all that! Every human is different, like a snowflake. And every romance is different, like two snowmen fucking, or one snowman and one snowwoman, or, you know, whatever you're into (freaks). So, logically, every Valentine's Day celebration must be different from every other Valentine's Day celebration. Some lovers like to eat pork immediately prior to intercourse, some enjoy spaghetti. Some humpees long to receive orgasms from their humpers, others prefer slaps in the mouth. But on one thing all romance-seekers can agree: LET'S WATCH A MOVIE.
Stranger Personals
So anyway, which movie to choose? I looked up "movies" on Microsoft Encarta 99, and it turns out that there are literally hundreds!!! And all of them different, kind of! To help out, for your pleasure and planning purposes, I have prepared an easy, SEXY quiz to determine exactly which romantic Valentine's Day date movie is right for you. No cheating! See you on candy mountain, eachotherfuckers!
1. You are:
A. A boy
B. A girl
C. Neither/both/outside the binary construct of gender/none of your business
D. A cat
E. Two cats
F. Ten cats standing on each other's shoulders wearing a trench coat and moonlighting as a detective (mostly milk theft, yarn crime)
2. Your Valentine's Day dream date is:
A. Brad Pitt
B. Julia Roberts
C. George Clooney
D. Madonna
E. Britney Spears
F. Tom Hanks
3. When your date picks you up, you hope he/she brings:
A. Diamonds
B. Diamond rings
C. Diamond necklaces
D. Diamonds and jewels and diamonds
E. Edible diamonds
F. Edible diamonds that have passed through the digestive tract of a sexy prostitute
4. At dinner, in your sexiest voice, you order:
A. "Garbage"
B. "Filet mignon"
C. "Food, please"
D. "Cat food, please (I am a cat)"
E. "Wine"
F. "Extra wine (IT'S MY MEDICINE)"
5. For dessert, you want:
A. Chocolate chocolate chocolate!
B. Crème brûlée
C. Ice cream or some shit like that
D. A wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
E. A destination wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
F. Wedding cake (HINT, HINT)
6. Your favorite sexual position is:
A. "Missionary"
B. "Dogs Playing Football"
C. "Dogs Playing Soccer"
D. "Dogs Playing Volleyball"
E. "Dogs Fucking Each Other"
F. "The Tom Hanks"
SCORING:
Give yourself one point for every A.
Give yourself two points for every B.
For every C, multiply your total points by 50,000.
Cut off one of your fingers for every D.
For every E, cut off someone else's finger and sew it onto your hand next to your real fingers.
Give yourself three points for every F.
0–10 points
You are... a HOPELESS ROMANTIC!
Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud!
Ha-ha, you still believe in happiness and true love? That's stupid. But you know what, kid? You've also got moxie, just like Buddy, the hero of Walt Disney's Air Bud! Much like you, who aren't afraid to fall in love even though the world is a cruel prison and everyone you care about will die one day, Buddy isn't afraid to play basketball even though he is an idiot dog! Put this movie on and you will quickly have access to all of your beloved's romance-holes. Enjoy it while it lasts.
11–50 points
You are... a SAD SACK!
Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: Golden Receiver!
Awwwww, looks like you're alone on Valentine's Day. But that's okay, because you're never really alone when you can hang out in your darkened apartment with an adorable dog that's fucking great at American football and even better at being a friend! Bow-wow! Fun fact: That dog is dead now.
51–1,000,000 points
You are... a VIRGIN!
Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: World Pup!
This is the one where Air Bud finally fucks Lady Air Bud. Watch and learn, virgin.
Thousands of points and no fingers
You are... DEAD!
Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: Spikes Back!
Sorry you died of blood loss (finger blood), but I'm sure your date won't mind snuggling up to your cold, stiff cadaver once he/she/etc. finds out that before losing consciousness you rented a movie about a dog with an uncanny talent for volleyball!!! Boom! Intercourse! There is also a wisecracking parrot.
0 points and 100 fingers
You are... READY TO PLOW!!!
Your perfect date movie is... Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch!
Hola, Casanova! It's time for you to "hit" a "home run" and not "foul out" in "right field" at the "big game" where a "precocious dog" is "playing baseball" with the "help" of a "wacky raccoon." IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I mean that you should incorporate a raccoon into your lovemaking.
1,000,000 to infinity points
You are... MEG RYAN!!!
Your perfect date movie is... You've Got Mail!
You. Are. Adorable.
PLAN B:
Just pick out a movie, any movie, watch it, then fuck. Jesus Christ. It's a fake holiday. 
You'll never be the hipster Dave Barry, Ms. West, so long as your quality control standards are so low. "Hey, how about an article about Valentine's Day movies?" isn't a terrible idea, but you'd be well served to recognize when your execution of an idea is very weak--and to then toss the garbage out the window and start over.
12
Cook sailed from England as commander of the HMS Resolution and Discovery, and in January 1778 he made his first visit to the Hawaiian Islands. He may have been the first European to ever visit the island group, which he named the Sandwich Islands in honor of one of his patrons, John Montague, the Earl of Sandwich.
Yup! when your traveling with a Sandwich Earl? tell me its not a nightmare.
Cook and his crew were welcomed by the Hawaiians, who were fascinated by the Europeans' ships and their use of iron. Cook provisioned his ships by trading the metal, and his sailors traded iron nails for sex. The ships then made a brief stop at Ni'ihau and headed north to look for the western end of a northwest passage from the North Atlantic to the Pacific. Almost one year later, Cook's two ships returned to the Hawaiian Islands and found a safe harbor in Hawaii's Kealakekua Bay.
It is suspected that the Hawaiians attached religious significance to the first stay of the Europeans on their islands. In Cook's second visit, there was no question of this phenomenon. Kealakekua Bay was considered the sacred harbor of Lono, the fertility god of the Hawaiians, and at the time of Cook's arrival the locals were engaged in a festival dedicated to Lono. Cook and his compatriots were welcomed as gods and for the next month exploited the Hawaiians' good will. After one of the crewmen died, exposing the Europeans as mere mortals, relations became strained. On February 4, 1779, the British ships sailed from Kealakekua Bay, but rough seas damaged the foremast of the Resolution, and after only a week at sea the expedition was forced to return to Hawaii.
The Hawaiians greeted Cook and his men by hurling rocks; they then stole a small cutter vessel from the Discovery. Negotiations with King Kalaniopuu for the return of the cutter collapsed after a lesser Hawaiian chief was shot to death and a mob of Hawaiians descended on Cook's party. The captain and his men fired on the angry Hawaiians, but they were soon overwhelmed, and only a few managed to escape to the safety of the Resolution. Captain Cook himself was killed by the mob. A few days later, the Englishmen retaliated by firing their cannons and muskets at the shore, killing some 30 Hawaiians. The Resolution and Discovery eventually returned to England.
starts with nails for sex and ends with hatchets on the heads
February 14 1779 Valentines day Capt James Cook died at the hands of pissed off Hawaiians
14
I know that I shouldn't nitpick, but it really should be 'WHICH Valentine's Day Movie Is Right For You?'
I can't help myself.
But maybe I just feel this way because WINE IS MY MEDICINE.
I'm watching Speed this valentines day, high on nyquil, while flying over the pacific ocean. SUCK IT, BITCHES.
18
Love you still Lindy, but please take it down a few notches; out of the "possibly schizophrenic" realm.
"You. Are. Adorable." should read "You. Were. Adorable."
Still, fake holiday, who gives a shit.
Also by Lindy West
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