Baby
At a mere six months old, Stupid, Stupid Baby was thrust into The Stranger's spotlight, held up as the very picture of health, bliss, and utter uselessness. Stupid, Stupid Baby was so stupid and useless, we even ridiculed its stupid parents for not at least considering abortion before bringing such a worthless waste of space into an already overcrowded world.
Much to our sorrow, shock, and horror, we got our wish. Sort of.
Stupid, Stupid Baby was so stupid, it couldn't handle the fame and fortune that came with being Stupid, Stupid Baby.
After appearing in our pages as Stupid, Stupid Baby, baby actor Terry Lindstrom moved to Hollywood, got an agent, and landed a recurring role on the sitcom Full House as the love interest of the Olsen Twins. When Full House was canceled, Stupid, Stupid Baby found work doing infomercials, promoted a low-fat grill, and lent his name and image to an ab machine. Soon Stupid, Stupid Baby was washed-up at age 16--not even the Olsens were returning his calls anymore. Stupid, Stupid Baby started using hard drugs, and eventually died of an overdose in a West Hollywood motel in early 2000.
Stupid, stupid baby.
Stupid, Stupid Kitten
After appearing in The Stranger's pages, Stupid, Stupid Kitten--cuddly, striped, and completely worthless--scurried around our editorial offices, mewing pitifully and batting at anything that moved, living a simple, futile, stupid life.
One afternoon, Stupid, Stupid Kitten slipped out a second-story window and climbed down the fire escape to the sidewalk below. Disoriented, inexperienced, and stupid, it dashed into traffic on Pine Street and was hit by a car. The driver felt terrible, but knew it wasn't his fault. Stupid, Stupid Kitten created its own violent fate.
The driver brought the badly injured kitten to the Seattle Animal Shelter. Although the shelter prides itself on being a "no kill shelter"--meaning that it avoids euthanasia at all costs, and exhausts every possible option before considering putting an animal to sleep--Stupid, Stupid Kitten's injuries were too severe, and everyone agreed euthanasia was the most sensible, humane thing to do.
Stupid, stupid kitten.
Stupid, Stupid Crouton
After being photographed for The Stranger, Stupid, Stupid Crouton sat around on a paper plate in the office kitchen, growing stale and dusty and somehow even more stupid.
Finally, on a dare, Bradley Steinbacher popped the stupid, stupid crouton in his mouth. According to Bradley, it tasted bland and moldy, and hurt his teeth because it was hard and crunchy.
Once inside Bradley's stomach, Stupid, Stupid Crouton was blended with acids and powerful enzymes and broken down into a stupid, stupid paste, then transferred to Bradley's small intestine, where its stupid nutrients were absorbed into the bloodstream. The crouton's stupid remains then moved into Bradley's colon, where they passed 36 hours or so before arriving at Bradley's rectum. Once Bradley's anal sphincters were ready and willing, Stupid, Stupid Crouton was unceremoniously discharged into the murky waters of Bradley's toilet and flushed into the abyss known as the City of Seattle's sewer system, never to be seen again.
