I hate the country. Not the U.S.A. of course (it's the best goddam nation on God's earth), but the barnyard-clucking, RC Cola-drinking, hayseed-chawing, moonshine-burping, corncob-smoking and corncob-wiping COUNTRY. However! On a recent jaunt to the sticks (to visit my alcoholic uncle Woody), I was pleasantly alarmed to discover a true treasure which is rarely seen in the bright lights of the big city -- a satellite dish! Now here are some hillbillies who know how to live! For hours I scanned channel after miraculous channel, each devoted exclusively to such arcana as golf, pets, and interior design.

But the station that really grabbed my eye? MTV2, which is what the motherfucking MTV1 should be like, but ain't. MTV2 (if you haven't seen it) is a video lover's wet dream, because that's all it is! Just hours and hours of pure unadulterated music videos, without the karaoke, without the dumbass, uninteresting factoids jumping all over the screen, and without the intrusion of college-aged apes interrupting with "I love Britney Spears because she is sooo hot, and I'd really like to 'hit her baby one more time!' WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Why such a lack of faith in their products? Do these MTV doinks really think the inclusion of misspelled e-mails scrolling across the bottom is preferable to admiring the cut of Jennifer Lopez's gib? I think it is NOT. Anyway, as you can well imagine, my joy of returning to the city was severely dampened by this discovery, and since I refuse to become a hee-haw and nail a dish to my apartment roof, I'm clearly stuck with that boring old spinster of a channel, MTV 1.

OR AM I?

After a quick analysis of TV Guide, I made a startling discovery: While the rest of us are at work or asleep, MTV is (gasp!) actually showing real videos! In fact, by combining video shows from different sources you can construct your very own MTV2! Just think: uncut, uninterrupted videos, 24 hours a day? It's like a beautiful dream! And here's how your dream can become a reality:

9:00 AM -- Wake up (or at least that's when I wake up) and watch BET's Videolink, an hour of hip-hoppy fun. Then at 10:00 AM, long after most schlubs have gone to work, MTV trots out two full hours of unbesmirched videosity. At 11:00 AM, switch back to BET for Jam Zone (thus avoiding MTV's idiotic "news" show 1515), which will carry you to 1:00 PM, when it's safe to turn again to MTV for an hour of fare from Ricky Martin and the Backstreet Boys.

As we approach the late afternoon, things begin to get tricky. At 2:00 PM may I suggest some VH1? I hear they don't play so much Billy Joel anymore. This should suffice until 4:00 PM, when for some inexplicable reason, there isn't a goddam video in sight. However, those who are really hard up for entertainment should switch over to PBS for our classic childhood favorite, ZOOM. This is a great show, and this week they'll show you how to make a doll out of yarn! Things return to normal at 5:00 PM for VH1's Top Ten Countdown, followed by MTV's Jams Countdown, which lasts until 7:30 PM -- but now we have a problem.

The block of time between 7:30 and 10:00 PM (when BET rescues us with Rap City) is utterly void of idiot-free videos. There are many things one can do -- eat flapjacks, masturbate -- but I like to use this time to reflect on the videos I've seen earlier in the day. I update my diary, scribble the birthdays of my favorite directors into my calendar ("Happy birthday, Nigel Dick!"), and perfect my "No Scrubs" dance moves (hop, clap, shake-yer-dirty-ass-down). Then it's two stars to the left and straight on till morning, with over 11 hours (from 10:00 PM till 9:00 AM) of all-night video entertainment on MTV and VH1. See? One doesn't need to resort to the slow-witted habits of our country bumpkin brethren to enjoy videos 24 hours a day -- however, I must admit I'm starting to find my cousin a little sexy....


Music on the Tube


Thursday, Oct 14

11:35 CBS MOBY

David Letterman welcomes DJ-turned-Christian Moby.

12:35 am NBC TORI AMOS

Conan O'Brien welcomes Christian-turned-rocker Tori Amos.


Saturday, Oct 16

8:00 Disney BRITNEY SPEARS & JOEY McINTYRE IN CONCERT

Joey and Britney do double eardrum damage in this teen girl squeal-fest.


Monday, Oct 18

8:00 VH1 DAVID BOWIE

Davey-boy reveals his innermost secrets and sings in this edition of VH1 Storytellers.


Friday, Oct 29

Midnight PBS PARLIAMENT

Get in the Halloween spirit with some nasty-ass funk, courtesy of Parliament, Funkadelic, and Cibo Matto on Sessions at West 54th.