Mike Force

I dunno if y'all Stranger readers know this, but when it comes to this "editorial control waterboarding," or whatever they're calling the endorsement team, I'm their goddamn gatekeeper. I meet all the candidates, casually, as I corral this "circus of politics!" Honestly, I'm always impressed. I know what it takes for these politicians to walk through our front door. The Stranger's entry is, well, something of a late-night urinal for drunks, and it smells like a dumpster overflowing with rotten produce and cat litter. Stock scents for the editorial posse, but I do feel a little bad for the fancy-pants downtown and Oly hopefuls. It takes some serious ovaries/balls to show up, so GOOD JOB, guys!

Anyways, I've never been invited into these meetings. Mostly, I hang out with the handlers, who aren't allowed into the meetings, either. (Daps, fellow admins!) But, in the sometimes veeeery long minutes when the candidates are in front of my desk waiting to be let in for interviews, I do get to see them interact, usually with candid grace. (And occasionally with some cold-ass silence.) So, this year, with—um—unusual grace, the editorial folks decided to ask me MY OPINION! FINALLY?! I think this is the first time they considered me beyond insisting I eat all the leftover KFC bought for Judy Nicastro's endorsement meeting!

Okay. Get out your pens!

Sorry, Mr. Jim "you're soooooo untouchable" McDermott, what with your dreamy silver locks and disarming smile, you didn't sway me THIS TIME! GoodSpaceGuy is my pick for your coveted Congressional District No. 7 seat. GoodSpaceGuy wants us to colonize SPACE, and he's a fantastic conversationalist. I think he's taken a run for every office in every district, so he's here A LOT. Anyways, I WANT TO LIVE STAR WARS, and GoodSpaceGuy can help me achieve this.

Next? Pramila Jayapal, you may have the BEST name, but I'ma endorse Sheley Secrest. Why? Well, when I opened the door for her, um, she (ahem) cruised me, like, she CHECKED ME OUT, y'all. Whoa. Whatevs, it's cool; I'm "older," but I'm still pretty. I GOT IT WHERE IT COUNTS! So, as it seems obvious I got her vote, and knowing what's good for ME, she'll be gettin' mine! Yeah, I endorse Ms. Sheley Secrest, for PRESIDENT of her district, Legislative District No. 37, aka Renton! Now I guess I gotta move to her district so that I can vote for her.

My last choice: Frank Chopp. Gosh, when he's here, HE'S ALWAYS SO BUSY! And that's good, right? He's the incumbent, so it's great he's making good use of "our tax money" and shit. He reminds me of those business guys you see at the airport with their phones in leather holsters. Also, I like his mustache and long hair; it's getting good in the back, bruh! Hmmm. Or, perhaps, this "busy" is an act. As I learned from Sheley, I'm a blisteringly hot sexual magnet, and maybe he was just avoiding eye contact so as to not FALL UNDER MY SPELL of sexual sexy! That's cool, man; I still choose YOU!

Oh, and tho' he didn't make an appearance this time, Tim Eyman is always the worst. DUH. In my experience his facedown, ass-up initiatives are some kinda reflection of his personality. I've tried to be nice, but as I'm "not who he's here to see," he tries to pull the Seattle passive-aggressive thing on me. Now that his star is fading, and he got ZERO initiatives on the ballot this go 'round, I'm hoping I don't soon find him facedown, ass up in The Stranger's piss-scented entryway wearing his gorilla suit and talking to our paper box about how the demon red-light cameras won't save "the children"! recommended