To the guy who takes my ranch salad dressing: The last bottle had a surprise in it for you. I was eating a salad at home and watching a movie with Tara Reid in it (she is so good-looking I would lick creamed corn out of her butt crack). I rubbed one off for her and put my man-goo into a half-used bottle of dressing I had in my fridge. Then I brought it to work, put my name on the bottle, and put it in the refrigerator. A few days later I checked on it and it was three-quarters gone. So, do I taste like chicken?

--Anonymous