Perhaps it's because I'm not a fag hag that I find the whole "girl!" thing so annoying. You may be a homo who identifies with women more than you do men, even though you steadfastly retain your penis and date guys, but trust me when I tell you that YOU ARE NOT A GIRL. I have plenty of gay friends, but I so don't think of them as girlfriends. You should take that as a compliment; you are as much a man to me as my father is. I have girlfriends who ovulate and get crabby and swell up with hormones regularly each month, and it is from their mouths only that I ever want to hear the phrase "Girl, don't I know it" when I complain that my pants don't fit. Where's your miserable, insulating layer of subcutaneous fat?
No, you don't know it; you can't know it; and I'm tired of you claiming you do know it with exasperating, insulting entitlement. A gay co-worker of mine speaks to his male friend on the phone and all I hear on my end is "she" and "her" and "no, she didn't!" when the subject of conversation is clearly named Roger. Another gay co-worker buzzes my office mate and rather than inquire after him by name, he requests "ma'am." I snap to the caller that I am the only ma'am in the office, and he apologizes sheepishly. Get used to it, because I've had my fill of men pretending to be women. MUST YOU HAVE EVERYTHING?!
You speak loudly, you laugh with abandon, you swagger around as if you own the fucking world, and oh, look at that...you're one of the girls, too! Feel like dressing up in drag? Please do it so that you resemble some never-married dowager aunt or a barstool slut, because that's what we all look like, right? You identify with us, but, obviously, you don't see us very clearly. To me, it's the same thing as whites dressing up in blackface. Leave the theater in the theater.
I encounter lesbians every day, and I don't observe them slapping each other on the back while referring to the women in their lives as "he." Why? Periods. And no matter how hard you try, you can't have them, and we can't get rid of them completely without medical commitment. It's a good thing, too, because the way I see it, periods are what keep us real girls sensitive. Because no matter how strutting or secure we might feel in this world, all it takes is a little hormonal influx for us to begin doubting ourselves and feeling uncomfortable, thereby keeping our egos in check. For all the grief it causes us, the period is humbling, dammit, and I wish to God all you testosteroney "girls" could just once reap the benefits of the relief that follows a rather tumultuous battle with PMS. Then you'd really know what it's like to be a girl, and why your assuming you already do know is so irritating. (By the way, I've met women who used to be men, and they are not "girl!" girls, they are respectful converts.)
No, you most definitely are not a girl. I have girlfriends. And I have a boyfriend, so you aren't my surrogate. To me, even under that Pan Stik, you are simply a man, and your bing-bong, however plastered down, is still apparent to me. Hopefully, you can find the compliment in that and return the favor with a bit of humility.
Kathleen Wilson is a heterosexual.
