I’m a 22-year-old straight cis woman. I was raised Unitarian and went through years of the OWL sex ed program growing up. So, my sex education has been very liberal and very thorough. I’ve been taught that size doesn’t matter, and I know it’s because only the first two inches of the vagina have concentrated nerve ending, etc., etc. Despite being taught that size doesn’t matter, some of my experiences have left me wondering. Is it possible that size matters for some vaginas more than others?

I was in a two-year relationship with a man who was very well-endowed and particularly girthy, more so than any other man I’d been with before him. I’d been sexually active for four years and had several different partners before meeting him. But I never had an orgasm during sex until I met him. That relationship unfortunately ended a few months ago. About a week ago I felt okay enough to try getting back up on the horse. I went on a date with this super-hot, good-looking, well-muscled, really nice, fun guy and we ended up having sex. His dick was average in length but was very skinny—much skinnier than my ex-boyfriend. I barely even felt it go in. I barely felt anything. I was not stimulated at all. I was actually waiting for him to put it in when I realized, to my horror, that he was, in fact, already in. It was so dissatisfying that I left immediately after. I did, of course, make up a plausible excuse to leave because I didn't want him to feel bad about his body or his (lack of) abilities in bed.

What gives? I thought size wasn’t supposed to matter?

Also, this might be relevant: the way that I’m able to orgasm, both during sex and when I masturbate, requires a lot of pressure, particularly on my g-spot with simultaneous clit stimulation. Getting eaten out does nothing for me (which I’ve always been frustrated and confused by after looking up statistics that most women can only come from oral but I can’t) and I’m pretty sure the reason is because tongues are soft and can’t apply the necessary amount of pressure I need to come. So maybe skinny dicks can’t either? Is it possible that my vagina is picky and needs girthy penises in order to come, even though that contradicts what I learned in OWL about size not mattering? This guy has asked to see me again, but the sex was so dissatisfying that I have been pretending to be really busy this week to avoid seeing him, which I feel really guilty for, since he was really nice and very attractive.

Girl Is Requesting Torrid Help

We say size doesn't matter, GIRTH, but that's a lie.

That doesn't mean bigger is better. Or always better. A dick can be too big; I've received scores letters over the years from guys desperately seeking ways to make their yuuge dicks smaller. Having a bio dick that's too big to suck and too big to fuck (someone with) is a curse. (Sadly there are no "natural male dehancement" pills for sale online, no effective penis-shortening/de-girthing surgeries available.) Some people straight-up prefer average-to-smaller-to-small dicks; some guys even get off on the "humiliation" of having small dicks. It takes all kinds.

And you need the girthy kind. Not all women do; the dick on the dude you just hooked up with may have been the wrong dick for you—it couldn't get you off all by itself (more on that in a moment)—but it might be just the right dick for a woman who needs a nice, solid, sustained external grind in order to come. The lower portion of his taught rectus abdominis pushing against her clit and labia might be exactly what she needs to get off. But you need that filled up feeling, GIRTH, and the reason isn't a mystery.

Take it away, @AdviceFromMsM:

The majority of the clitoris is actually within the pelvis—that is, it’s far more internal than external. Even most of the women I coach, women who are generally worldly and well-informed about their own bodies, react with a combination of fascination and confusion when I explain that their clitoris extends deep within them.

The scientific name for the external “little button” or “bulb” is glans. Not to be confused with glands, glans simply refers to a small circular mass. This little structure contains approximately 8,000 sensory nerve fibers; more than anywhere else in the human body and nearly twice the amount found on the head of a penis! From reading her work, it’s clear that Marie Bonepart mistakenly thought that the clitoris was completely comprised of the glans; and because it is super sensitive and all anyone can see of the organ, her confusion is mirrored by most women today. The fact is though, that most of the clitoris is subterranean, consisting of two corpora cavernosa (corpus cavernosum when referring to the structure as a whole), two crura (crus when referring to the structure as a whole), and the clitoral vestibules or bulbs.

The glans is connected to the body or shaft of the internal clitoris, which is made up of two corpora cavernosa. When erect, the corpora cavernosa encompass the vagina on either side, as if they were wrapping around it giving it a big hug!

That part of your clitoris that's wrapped around your vagina—the majority of it—gets the stimulation it needs (the stimulation you need) when you've got a girthy penis stuffed in your vagina, stretching it, pushing and pulling at it, putting just the right kind of pressure on the subterranean, internal majority of your clitoral tissues.

Watch a lot of guys jerk off, as I have (strictly for research purposes), and you'll notice some work the head furiously while ignoring most of the shaft; others work the shaft almost exclusively, paying scant attention to the head. Neither group is doing it wrong; both are doing what they need to do in order to get off—they're focusing on the part of their penis that requires the most stimulation to get them there.

Just as some guys are shaft-of-the-penis guys, GIRTH, you're a shaft-of-the-clit girl. And a girthy penis stimulates the shaft, aka the corpus cavernosum, of your clit, the same way a just-so positioned fist stimulates the shaft of some guy's penis. A thick dick applies stimulation and pressure right where you need—which, again, is internally, inside along your vaginal canal and along the internal structure/bits/shaft of your clitoris. That's what gets your off.

So what to do about this boy? That's a tough one.

You say he lacked "abilities in bed" and couldn't get you off, GIRTH, but that's not fair. This boy didn't know what you needed to get off. He couldn't get you off during vaginal intercourse using his penis alone—but sex isn't just PIV alone and a cis man brings more to the sack than just his penis, two totally truthful points emphasized in the otherwise excellent OWL sex ed program that misled you about penis size.

So his dick isn't girthy enough to get you off during PIV. Okay. How girthy are his forearms? How girthy are the crazy big dildos and other toys you two could purchase together if you became an item? You say you want him to be able to fuck you until you come? There's a toy for that!

Some will say that honesty would be cruel—better to do the fadeaway and hope the next girl he bones is an external grind girl. Hearing that his dick isn't enough to get you off all by itself could shatter his ego and his dick, which is a highly ego-dependent organ. He may be too young and too insecure to hear, "I really like you, and there's all sorts of ways I can get you off, but we're going to have to bring in silicone reinforcements to get me off." But if you tell him you like him, if tell him how hot you think he is, and if tell him you really want to make this work... maybe he can hear what it's going to take to make it work (PIV for him, TIV for you) without shattering into a million skinny pieces.