Cameron Esposito wrote in with some bonus advice for Undercut. You'll find it after my advice.

I just got dumped.

The back story, I'm a lesbian in my mid twenties, and I had been seeing this girl for about 10 months. At the beginning of the relationship, she said that while she liked me and wanted to continue seeing me, as a masters student (and someone dealing with a lot of personal/family problems in the last two years) she wasn't able to commit to a full on relationship, and had to prioritize school and herself. This all was fine with me, since my previous relationship had been deeply co-dependent, and I have had a bad habit of putting my relationships first, and myself second, so dating someone who had other things going on in her life seemed like a good and healthy change for me.

Fast forward to the nine month mark.

I've gotten myself accepted to grad schools, gotten a promotion at work, and have some exciting projects coming up. She quit smoking, was doing great at school, and while her financial situation was a little unsure, generally she seemed to be doing well. We were spending 2-4 nights a week together, usually one weeknight and the weekend. As her time was more restricted due to school, I usually asked her when/if she had time to hang out, and I would work around her schedule. We had a great sex life, I felt independent, and I also felt in love. While we hadn't talked about it getting more serious, it just naturally seemed to be getting more serious. While I know I was definitely holding back, I refrained from planning things too far into the future, or counting on her too much. Then she started making plans for the summer, talking about camping, and renting air BnB's, she introduced me to her family, and we had plans to meet my family in a few months. She also proposed we plan a trip together once she was finished school. Everything seemed great and easy. I was stupidly happy.

Then, not three weeks after I met her family (which went really well, and she said I got along with them better than any of her exes), we get in a fight about a haircut of all things. Specifically, I said my hairdresser might do a bit of an undercut to help me grow out my Cameron Esposito style side mullet. She had been planning to get a side mullet, then said I'd be copying her, and that I always copy her. When I told her that accusation hurt my feelings, she didn't acknowledge me, and then refused to talk about it, and basically stormed off.

She didn't message me for over 24 hours, and so I initiated contact and asked if we could talk about our fight.

She agreed, and I went into the conversation expecting an apology. Instead I got a "I feel unsure about where our relationship is going, and am feeling pressure for it to be building towards something, which I can't commit to." I felt completely blind sided. I told her if she didn't want it to be more serious she was sending mixed messages, to which she replied that she wasn't quite she what she wanted, and had been trying to "test out a more serious relationship" before realizing she wasn't ready for it, and didn't want to waste any more of my time.

I still can't quite figure out what happened. Was she never THAT into it, and had been seeing if taking it more seriously would change how she felt about me? Or did it start to get serious and she freaked out? I know if this was her response to an argument about a haircut, that this is for the best. I just can't help but over analyze where I might have gone wrong. I can't tell if she had been secretly resenting me for months, or if she was making up reasons to push me away. Do I dare hold out hope she'll change her mind?

Undercut

P.S. I totally got a revenge undercut.

Do you want her to change her mind?

If 1. she wants you back and 2. you take her back, U, you would constantly have to worry being getting dumped a second time (or third or fourth time) for some seemingly-and-very-likely random/completely bullshit reason. Unless your ex comes through with a really good explanation for her meltdown—were her parents pressuring her to marry you? did she see a particularly triggering episode of SYTTD?—and that explanation comes bundled with an apology and some breakthrough insight into herself, you shouldn’t want her back.

Okay, maybe I'm not being fair to your ex. She did give you an explanation: She's not ready for a relationship (that's an explanation, yes, but it's almost always a bullshit explanation and/or a white lie meant to spare the dumpee's feelings), and she wasn't really dating you, U, she was using you to test herself—she was dating you to see if she was ready for a real relationship. That seems like a pretty shitty thing to do to someone, IMO, and it brings me back to my original point: Why would you want her back?

Look on the bright side: there are worse things than being young (to be in mid-20s again!), single (congrats on getting dumped!), flush (congrats on the promotion), and in grad school (tons of lesbians in grad school). Get out there, rock the side mullet, and have some fun.

UPDATE: I sent your question to Cameron Esposito, U, and she sent in some bonus advice...

First, I commend you for your taste in advice columnists; Dan's been my go-to for years. So it should come as no surprise that I tend to agree with him here. When I look back at relationships that ended 'for no good reason' I am often stuck by just how many reasons there were. If you never figure out what went south with your ex, rest assured that even with open and honest communication, relationships are hard as shit. You deserve someone committed to open conversation and as willing to fight for your relationship as you are. Go get em!

Yours in hair,

Cameron

You can—and you should—follow Cameron on Twitter @cameronesposito.