And you smell like one, too, America.
"And you smell like one, too, America." a katz / Shutterstock.com

Hidden away in the penthouse lair of a skyscraper at the top of Mount Crumpit, Donald Trump has an enormous Wheel-of-Fortune-style wheel bearing the name of every single human on the planet.

Whenever Donald is feeling low, he gives that wheel a spin to see which inhabitant of Earth he's going to insult next. His enemies are of course weighted more heavily, so they're likely to bear the brunt of his wrath. But there's still an element of randomness, a feeling that you could be slapped with a derisive nickname at any time, like a manhole cover that explodes sewage all over an innocent passer-by.

This is one big metaphor, obviously, or at least I hope it is — to my knowledge, Trump hasn't gushed literal sewage on anyone. But if you told me he had, I wouldn't feel that the assertion warranted particularly strenuous skepticism.

At a rally this week, Trump was joined by poor sad man Chris Christie, who yet again had to endure some jokes about his weight. Oh, haven't you heard that Chris Christie is fat? Perhaps you were not aware of this hilarious fact. He is a large man, hahaha! Now please allow Donald to tickle your funny bone with some observational comedy about how fat people eat a lot.

"I'm not eating Oreos anymore," said Trump, a reference to how Nabisco is moving factories from the US to Mexico. He then pointed at Chris Christie, or at least the shell of a man who once was Chris Christie. "But neither is Chris," Donald said, then ordered: "You’re not eating Oreos anymore. No more Oreos. For either of us, Chris. Don’t feel bad."

Hilarious. At least Donald didn't call him "Miss Piggy," as he allegedly did to 1996 Miss Universe Alicia Machado. Trump called her "an eating machine," and said to reporters, "She weighed 118 pounds or 117 pounds and she went to 160 or 170. So this is somebody that likes to eat."

Oh man, a whopping 170 pounds? What a whale! Doesn't she know her job is to be thin? Give her hell, Donald.

I do recommend watching the above video, if just for the final few moments to see her reaction to the question "will you vote for Donald Trump?"

He also went on Megyn Kelly's show to insult her further this week. When she brought up the fact that he called her a "bimbo," he doubled-down: "over your life, Megyn, you've been called a lot worse."

If this was a zinger in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, gay men would have cackled with glee and made a mental note to use it when it's their turn to be a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race. And to be fair, Donald's insults seem tailor-made for comedy. He's a funny guy sometimes! And also terribly evil.

Nevertheless, there are a billion Trump-parodies proliferating like parasites all over the internet, and so far the only funny one is the Dungeons & Donalds Twitter account. (This is, if you know D&D. If you don't, it's just as boring as the rest.)


So yes, let's have a good laugh! Laugh about D&D if that's your thing; laugh about fat people if that's what you think is funny; laugh at women. It's all very funny...until yours is the name that comes up on his wheel.