Some failed presidential candidates fade mercifully away, like Michele Bachmann. Others periodically flounder back into the spotlight, like Bob Dole doing Viagra commercials. Others do whatever it is Chris Christie is doing: henchman nonsense like fetching Donald Trump's McDonalds order. (Maybe if he's lucky Donald will let him have a few french fries.)

So what's going to happen to Bernie? Well hopefully none of those, because he isn't a failed candidate. Not completely, at least.

For starters, there's still one last primary to struggle through. Washington DC, the swamp to which America exiles its worst liars and hypocrites, votes today. But this is such an unimportant race that the voting's barely attracted any coverage — instead, all of the Bernie headlines these days start with "what's next" or "now what."

"It ain't over," says Ralph Nader. Oh good God. The man who monkeywrenched the 2000 election wants Bernie to stay in the race in case Hillary's email scandal becomes a real scandal instead of just a Republican talking point. Nader also wants Bernie to "replace some of the tedious convention hoopla with some authenticity," which is some vague progressive nonsense. He also wants Bernie to pivot to a series of national rallies for "class-levelling, peace-waging, freedom to participate in power."

I don't know what the secret is to Ralph Nader's vitality — he's in his early 80s but he's raring for revolution like a 20-year-old PIRG volunteer holding a clipboard outside QFC. Good for you, Ralph, but I would not be totally surprised if Bernie, instead of sharing your boundless energy, preferred instead to hold a series of naps.

But there's still work to be done, even after Bernie bows out of the race. For example, Bernie just unveiled a bill to rescue Puerto Rico from its economic disaster — you know, the kind of stuff a member of Congress can concern himself with when he' stops running for the highest office in the land.

Before he can return to that work, though, he'll have to figure out what to say about Hillary. He just announced that he'll meet with her today to "question her." Hahaha, right, I'm sure he'll really put her under the microscope. In reality, they'll probably work on whatever messaging legitimizes his withdrawal and support her candidacy. I'd expect him to emerge with a story about having examined her closely and found opportunities to work together, blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, there are the mini-Bernies, local and state politicians who match him ideologically and might have a better shot at winning their races. Matt Dunne, a candidate in Vermont, just released an ad where he says "What Bernie Sanders started, we need to finish." I'm not sure I'd have worded it that way — it's how you talk about a hero at a funeral — but I appreciate the sentiment.

In Nevada, Lucy Flores is running for Congress against a vulnerable Republican. Bernie endorsed her and helped her raise over a half million dollars. (Lucy's story is fascinating: a former gang member, she eventually put that life behind her and became a lawyer.)

Then there's Dimitri Cherny in South Carolina. His chances don't look great — he's running against the former governor, Mark Sanford, the man who made "hiking the Appalachian Trail" famous/euphemistic.

For now, Bernie's wandered back to Vermont. He held a modest rally there, and a meeting with advisors. I hope he's also taken a few deep breaths, because the last couple of months of politics have been utterly exhausting. He should have some down time soon enough, a chance to sink into a cozy chair and for a few minutes think about something other than the impending collapse of the nation. How I envy him.