So my husband and I are both bisexual 30 year olds. And — spoiler alert — this one won't be about sex, though we do have a good amount of sex and it's not always just us two.

This is more a question about trust. My husband lies to me, not about sex, but about his weed addiction. We've talked about it, gone to therapy, and fought about his lying to me for the last four years of our five years together. Well tonight, after months of me thinking we had finally come to a good place of understanding and building back trust, I found his "frequent flyer card" for the local dispensary when I was doing the laundry. His initial reaction when I brought it to him was, "Oh, I found that on the ground." Unconvinced, I went to his home office in the backyard shed and found that he had indeed been buying and consuming weed.

At this point I have to stop, because I probably seem like the crazy anti-drug type. I have a history of parents with abuse issues and honesty around drug use is something I need to feel safe in this relationship. I am not anti-weed, I like to do edibles from time to time, and we both drink alcohol regularly. I just want him to be honest with me about when he is smoking and I have repeated that sentiment every time we've fought about it.

Some back story on him: History of depression/self-mutilation. Used weed to self-medicate for years. He's now in therapy on his own — thanks to my encouragement/finances — and he's now on anti-depressants prescribed by a professional and doing really well. I've totally camp-site-ruled the shit out of him and he's amazing now... save for this one big thing, aka lying to my face about smoking weed.

So back to the most recent episode of me giving him a chance to regain my trust for the nth time. Here I am, post-fight and I don't know what to do. I love this guy, we have a life together: a house, pets, no kids (yet). I want to trust him, to give him another chance to be honest with me. And I also have this nagging feeling that I'm being an idiot.

Should I DTMFA?

Worried Every Effing Day

I'm trying to imagine why a man would lie about smoking weed to a woman who uses weed herself, WEED, and "fears an irrational reaction" is the only reason I can come up with. So if you've demanded he disclose his weed use and then blown up at him when he disclosed... his reluctance to disclose shouldn't come as a surprise.

I'm not saying that's what you've been doing, WEED. I'm just gaming this out.

And now let's zoom out: You say love this guy, you say get along well, you say have a good sex life. It sounds like you campsite-rule/Pygmalion'd the shit of him — you got him into therapy, you got him on anti-depressants, you got him to stop engaging in acts of self-mutilation. I hope he appreciates all you've done for him. You also say that he's doing really well — actually, you said "he's amazing now." Amazing is pretty good. We should all be so lucky as to have amazing spouses.

Well... he's amazing, you say... except for one thing: you say he lies to you about smoking weed.

You know what you don't say? You don't say smoking weed is a problem. You don't say smoking weed makes him lazy or unemployable, you don't say smoking weed interferes with the progress he's made, you don't say he's any less loving or any less sexual or any less amazing when he smokes weed. From where I'm sitting, WEED (Ann Landers' desk), it looks like the only problem with his secret weed use is that he's keeping it secret... and that's only a problem because it bothers you. It's not like you even noticed he was smoking weed until you stumbled over/snooped for the evidence. Seeing as the weed use itself isn't really a problem, WEED, your insistence on disclosure, your snooping, and your efforts to inflate his dishonesty about something that really should be a non-issue into a DTMFA-level offense seems controlling, punitive, and conflict-seeking.

That said, WEED, your reasons for wanting him to disclose — your shitty parents lying to you about their drug use, your lingering trust issues — are valid and accommodating your insecurities seems simple. So I'm not trying to pin the blame on you, WEED. But if your amazing husband can't bring himself to disclose non-problematic weed use then he's either struggling with some unexplored issue (a desire for some degree of autonomy and privacy in a relationship where he's felt more parented than partnered?) or the issue here is yours (this is about control or, again, you've demanded disclosure and then punished him when he did disclose).

You say you want to trust him. Maybe he could make a one-time, now-and-forever disclosure: "Honey, I like to smoke weed now and then."

Would that restore your trust?