I'm a bisexual, hetero-amorous 38-year-old single mom of two boys, and six months ago, I got back together with a 50-year-old man I am head-over-heels in love with. He had been recently divorced after 20+ years of marriage when we first dated, which started as just a sexy hook-up, and we broke up after two years when things got serious and it was obvious to us both that he wasn't ready for serious. We stayed casual friends, having lunch together once in a while. After a year, I discovered I needed urgent surgery and he had a bit of a freakout. After the surgery, he said he realized when he thought my life was in danger that he wanted to be with only me for the rest of our lives, and he proposed (third time's the charm?). I turned him down, and insisted on counseling and dating for a year before revisiting getting married. He agreed whole-heartedly, happily paid for and participated in all of the counseling sessions for months, and things have been amazing.

I'm writing because a girlfriend of mine recently told me that she felt uncomfortable around him when we were dating before.

She said he was just too touchy-feely and that two other of our friends felt the same way. She gave me two instances: he greeted her and it looked like he was going for an open-mouth kiss and she stopped him, and he greeted her on a separate occasion with a hug from behind and a kiss on the neck. She said that second time could have been because he couldn't reach her cheek from behind (she's taller than him). I could write off one friend being uncomfortable—but three? She said that nothing has happened since we got back together. I insisted she let me know if ANYTHING he did made her uncomfortable again, or if any of our other friends informed her of any recent overly-affectionate greetings.

When we first dated, he had this "vibe" of being "available" that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was the primary reason I felt like we should break up, because my instincts told me he would leave if something better came along. My instincts tell me his "available vibe" has dissipated. I LOVE the way he touches me and his intensity is one of the things that attract me to him. I can understand how some women would be put off by this intensity. I can think of only one occasion where I thought his flirting went too far. We had an adult conversation about it and I haven't seen any repeats since. And I felt validated when the counselor we were seeing said she could see he was utterly enamored with me.

I am aware that I view this man with rose-colored glasses, and I don't want to make excuses for him, so I need advice to help me see things clearly. Is he just a touch-feely, flirty guy? Should I ask all my other girlfriends if they felt the same way around him? This was from almost two years ago, should I bring this up with him? If so, what the heck do I say?

Concerned And Nostagically Determined In Dating

When you first started dating him... he was "available," CANDID, after 20+ years of marriage. And unless your girlfriends are conspiring to destroy your happiness for shits and giggles, CANDID, he behaved then in ways that made your girlfriends uncomfortable. Your girlfriends were right to share their misgivings/discomfort with you—and it would be foolish of you not to ask other girlfriends if a man you're thinking about marrying did anything to make them feel uncomfortable.

Then what?

Speak to him about it. This is a perfect topic to address during a counseling session. Frame the convo like this: What exactly happened, what exactly was he thinking, and when exactly did he come to realize this kind of behavior was a problem and when exactly did he resolve to knock it off? If indeed he has come that realization and has knocked it off. Ask him about boundaries and respect and be completely honest about the impact these revelations had on you: they caused you to have some doubt about your future together.

If this wonderful man reacts with anger, rationalizations, or accusations ("Your friends have always had it in for me!"), then he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt. You'll need to stay in counseling until he pulls through, i.e. until he understands why his behavior was a problem, or until you give up and pull out, CANDID, whichever comes first.

But if he reacts with contrition and self-awareness—if he knows he overstepped boundaries and feels bad about it, if he had already come to understand that his behavior was a problem and resolved to do bette (which would explain why nothing untoward has happened since we got back together)—then maybe he gets the benefit of the doubt.

Either way, CANDID, some additional intelligence gathering, a few more counseling sessions, and some blunt talk are all in order.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.