Just wondering what the wisest way to handle discovering gay porn on my son’s phone would be. At the moment he’s not aware I’ve found it—and I wasn’t looking for it, Dan. I wasn’t snooping at all actually. He came to me having a WiFi issue and I tried using Safari on his phone and it was one of the three open windows. I don’t want to handle this badly so any guidance/advice would be great.

Porn Opens Problematic Scenario

Did you look at porn when you were 13, POPS?

Probably. Scratch that: definitely.

So what would you have wanted your dad to do if he stumbled over the porn you were looking at when you were your son's age?

Do that.

Also, now you know your son could be gay or bi. He could just be straight and curious, POPS, but the gay or bi odds are better. So how do you approach that? Directly through indirection.

You have to make sure your son knows you love and accept him regardless of his sexual orientation. This is something parents should do early and often in the lives of their kids, POPS, because the failure to do so can lead to tragedy. The time to tell your closeted kid that their coming out would be met with a "wealth of love and acceptance" is before that kid attempts suicide, not after. And since we can't tell—or can't always tell—which kid is queer and closeted, parents need to err on the side of telling all their kids that they would be showered with love and acceptance if they should ever come out as gay, lesbian, bi, or trans.

But running up to 13-year-old boy and saying, "Hey, saw your porn on your phone, kiddo, it's totally cool if you're into dudes!" might drive him deeper into the closet. So, again, best to address this one, at this time, with a little indirection. Let your son overhear you condemning homophobia—a national election affords many opportunities—and if you have gay friends, POPS, invite them over to dinner. If your son hears you voice your support for equality for LGBT people and sees you treat LGBT people with love and acceptance and then, POPS, he’ll know he can safely come out to you when he's ready.

You can consider the above advice null and void should you stumble over evidence that your son is doing something dangerous — cruising hookup apps, posting pictures of himself online, arranging to meet someone. Then you'll have to set indirection aside, tell your son what you already know, and have a nice, long talk about his sexuality and his safety.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.