One less thing (teen pregnancy) to worry about as a parent, right?

If the LW is a near-helicopter parent, perhaps coming out as asexual is the daughter's attempt at keeping him/her out of her sex life by pretending she doesn't have one.

By that I don't mean to say that there are no asexuals, I've known a couple (and also a lot of minimally-sexual) in my life.

I wonder if she's still asexual 2 years later?

Dan should have added that asexuality should not be viewed as the result of a trauma anymore than the old standard that homosexuals must have been abused--why else would they be gay? Asexual could mean, for example, that she naturally has an extremely low libido.

Also, "she'll miss out." On what, though? On something she is not interested in? As a straight guy, you can tell me I am missing out on a lot of dick. But I don't want that, so missing out on it is not a bad thing. I hate seafood, so "missing out" on salmon, lobster, etc. is actually a great thing in my book! I imagine that an asexual who goes along with sex and pretends to like it in order to conform must find it either unpleasant or, at the very least, boring. So this girl would not be "missing out" if she really is asexual.

@2: Yeah, I had a vibe of that, too. And therefore would replace Dan's advice of, "Keep listening to your daughter" with "believe your daughter about her own (a)sexuality, let it be HER (a)sexuality, don't initiate discussions about it, don't put lots of energy into researching it, and just let your 18-YEAR-OLD, ADULT daughter be herself, a lot more BY herself than she has been.

Like atheism is missing out on religion. And not collecting stamps is missing out on collecting stamps.

Helicopter parents needs to back off and let daughter fly free.

@5: actually, you are missing out, because some people have to overcome a initial reluctance to acquire a taste for seafood.

or fucking, I suppose.

I think it is harder to get into a "relationship" if you're asexual, because most people are drawn to others by their pants. That said, you can have some great long-term bromances.

@ 6 - I always find that kind of advice, to "listen to your children," a bit counterproductive. Too many parents interpret that as meaning "force them to talk to you", whereas most teenagers would rather their parents did not listen that closely so as to be able to develop their own personality, their own views and their own tastes free from their parents' influence... Which is what adolescence is for, and which results in them being actual adults by the time they get the legal rights and responsibilities that go along with turning 18 (or whatever age is "legal age" in their jurisdiction).

@8, If you don't like something, why would you keep eating it long enough to "acquire" a taste for it? And how many times must you try it before you can say fuck it, I don't like this and will never acquire a taste for it?

Oh yes to all aboves. Thank you. I so hated that one of my parents was "interested" in my sex life to such an extent (and I was so very shy), that I sort of downplayed my own sexuality. I was also sort of a late bloomer, and a little afraid of (young) men because of several incidents of harassment. So mom, please lay off. Your daughter is an adult now. Let her be herself, OK?

@12, Also, I pretty much "caught up" in my mid-college years. LOL

Well it's probably too late for this but I advise heavily against being friends with your kids. Be a parent first - set (and enforce) boundaries, etc. You can decide for yourself if being asexual is within or outside those boundaries (although it's hard to imagine it being beyond anything, or what you do to enforce it), but all this hippy-dippy let-my-kids-make-decisions nonsense should go. They can come to you for big huge stuff, but they're definitely better off learning the rest of it "on the streets".

@11, I think the answer is 2 or 3 times. :-)

http://lifehacker.com/the-secret-to-deve…

Perhaps @2/Ricardo is right and claiming to be asexual is just PAUSE's daughter's way of getting the conversation away from her sex life. Or maybe PAUSE thinks his/her daughter is really desirable, but she isn't attracting any young men and PAUSE's daughter would rather not discuss that fact with a parent. Or maybe PAUSE's daughter has an undiagnosed medical condition that is reducing her sex drive to zero.

Other than recommend that she see her doctor to rule out any medical issues, there really isn't anything that PAUSE can do, so long as his/her daughter seem well-adjusted and appears to have a good group of friends.

@14: ha, that's how many times I've tried natto. still don't like it. I've tried kombucha like 10-20 times, and still don't like it.

but not liking SALMON? GMAFB. my elderly midwestern republican aunt "doesn't like" crab, but it's because she's squicked out by the visceral nature of it. picky eaters make me crazy.

@2 OH SNAP, Ricardo won the thread. At two! Is that a record??

If the LW is a near-helicopter parent, perhaps coming out as asexual is the daughter's attempt at keeping him/her out of her sex life by pretending she doesn't have one.

I thought the same thing Ricardo.

PAUSE – Relax! Love your daughter for what she IS. And a word of advice from a parent of 18 and 17-year old girls...They have a glimmer of who they are becoming, but in my experience they are trying on personalities like dresses. She likes the red strapless today, but in a month, she won't be able to stand it. Give her space to figure it out. Maybe she really is asexual. And if she is – more power to her (and get your nose out of this part of your daughter's life!) This is her battle to fight, not yours!

@ 17 - Not really. It's a rerun, see, so I kinda cheated. I've been waiting for a year, eight months and thirteen days to post this clever comment. I'm just saddened by the fact that Knat beat me to number 1.

I have no sympathy whatsoever for helicopter LW, who deserves no daughter's-partner-in-law to pester, let alone grandchildren. Otherwise, I'd agree with Mr Ricardo.

I don't see why being asexual is so hard to believe. Imagine a gender or kink that you're not into, maybe it does nothing for you or you're even kinda repulsed. There you go! It's like that, but for all of them! I'm not asexual, so aces who agree/disagree, please chime in if you want.

Add me to the chorus of those-in-agreement-with-Ricardo.

@11 Hey I agree. I recall the was a letter from a woman who said she didn't like oral sex and the comments were filled with people telling her how wrong she was, how she hadn't had *good* oral sex, how she needed to keep doing this sex act she didn't like until she magically liked it. Because clearly the idea she just didn't like it was just plain wrong and she didn't know her own body or experiences.

@15 how on earth would a kid's sexuality be boundary breaking? I mean yes if you don't want your teens fucking in the house make that a rule but being asexual [ or gay, or straight] is not something one does at you. Nor is it breaking a boundary that your kid is having relationships you don't approve of. Also yeah they do get to make decisions about their own lives, even if you don't like 'em.

LML @5 wins the thread. An asexual is "missing out" on STIs, unintentional pregnancy, heartbreak, and untold drama. Sometimes I wish I'd been lucky enough to get to "miss out" on all of that.

And Max @8/ and @16 wins the "dick of the thread" award. Seriously? What business is it of yours if people decide they don't like a certain food and don't want to try it 10-20 times to make sure? How does it affect you if someone is a "picky eater"? I can't believe your elderly aunt's pickiness has any effect whatsoever on your life, the way, say, your partner's might. Get the fuck over it and let people make their choices.

BDF @24

An asexual is "missing out" on STIs, unintentional pregnancy, heartbreak, and untold drama. Sometimes I wish I'd been lucky enough to get to "miss out" on all of that.

BDF, I love you. I have thought the exact same thing. In my case, add to the things I'd rather "miss out on" the ridiculous amount of money I spend on commercial sex.

As an aside, the comparison between sex and "food I don't like" doesn't work, in my opinion. With a particular food it's reasonable to say "try it and see if you like it". With sex it's different. You are sexually attracted to someone or you're not. If you don't feel any attraction, it does not make sense to say "have sex with that person and see if you like it anyway". People know their sexual orientation long before they actually have sex.

Of course it's a thing...nearly everything is a thing.

Yes often it's about opting out 'til later. And sometimes the person opting out could VERY greatly benefit by talking to a therapist a lot to work through whatever is going on with them.

@ 24 - One caveat: I believe you can be asexual and still fall in love. That would make heartbreak likely since, numbers-wise, the probabilities are that you would fall in love with a sexual person, who presumably wouldn't be that interested in a relationship with you.

Besides, heartbreak is rough while you go through it, but it's an excellent way to learn lots of things about yourself and to grow as a person.

@24 and @25

If I could have one thing in my life it would be to be asexual instead of hypersexual(I'm 40 and my sex drive is on par with your average 16 year old male).

1. I could really get into my religious study and maybe even become a celibate monastic.
2. I would be able to be 100% respectful to women 100% of the time. No more zoning out and realizing I was checking someone out without realizing it(I am ashamed to say that that happens more often that I would like).
3. I would have a much healthier relationship history. Most of the bad relationships I was in were because I wanted sex and the options were awful partner Y or no sex.
4. To follow up on # 3, cheating would never be a problem and I wouldn't even contemplate poly.
5. I wouldn't have to worry about porn consumption or "the evils of masturbation" at all.

So, yeah. Very, very jealous of people who are asexual.

@5 No, I am not missing out. My wife (then girlfriend) tried to get me to eat seafood for several years. She was convinced that I just hadn't had good seafood and I must really like it, even though I "did not know" that I liked it. The result was simple: I still hated seafood every time I tried it. To my palate, all seafood tastes like something that has spoiled. YUCK!

Asexuality is a "thing" that rightfully deserves recognition and respect. But if a man says he doesn't watch porn, he's a "liar" or a "castrate" and no person should ever claim they don't fantasize about other people. Monogamy is unnatural, no one can mantain exclusive, deep sexual interest in only one person for decades.
One can have a sexual preference for their partner peeing on them or tying them up or slapping them or having their ass eaten out and we all (rightfully) agree that it's a fine thing and hopefully they find a partner who accommodates and enjoys that. But if someone (usually a woman) expressed reservations about having a partner who watches porn, then all scorn is heaped on her - she's a prude! She's insecure! She's delusional, all men watch porn. It can't be that she simply isn't into a partner who spends time watching porn when she's DTF.
Shaming people for their sexual preferences and desires goes in all directions. Dan is very often guilty of only sanctioning those that meet with his approval.

Asexuals are REALLY promiscuous --- they'll not have sex with any number of people at the same time.

I donno. I don't assume lw is over protective or over involved just because her daughter came out as asexual to her. In safe families, this is when kids come out as gay. My friends daughter came out to him at age 15. It was because he was safe. At 25 she speaks very highly of both her parents. A mother reading and writing to savage love is likely open minded and has conveyed that to her daughter, who at 18 has decided for what ever reason she is asexual. And that's fine. Nothing to see here. Move on.

@30 - You aren't the only one who cannot abide seafood. Thankfully I haven't had anyone try to push it on me since I was a teenager, but I can't tell you how many times they tried various cajoling and even attempt to 'hide' some nasty-ass fish in a casserole or something. Ugh.

@31 I don't think I've ever heard of a dude not watching porn being called a 'castrate'. And yeah I'm sure guys who don't watch porn are out there.

But what gets an eyeroll from me about the request is that it's almost always about jealousy, insecurity. and control. That's it's not about the porn it's about the belief that interacting with other women, even on screen, is a threat to the relationship, and isolating their partner will protect them from heartbreak. Neither of which is true.

My husband isn't big on seafood. He'll eat tuna (I know, smelly, right?) But that is about it. He gamely tried steamed crab (nirvana for me) but nope. I don't understand the urge to push it on anyone. I don't like raw oysters... I don't...
Or mussels or clams. Why on earth would I push a food on anyone else if they don't like it???

Tastes do change. I was not a fan veggies until I hit my twenties and now I love (really) steamed broccoli and grilled squash! Love love love. So I definitely believe in retrying stuff, but hiding it or trying to push it on an adult. Um. No.

Speaking more broadly, I think it benefits us to be open to trying stuff out. Had I gauged sex on my initial experiences, I'd never had it again. And omg, what I would have missed out on!

But that is my right as an adult to make... and it really isn't my business if other adults eat different foods or decide sex isn't for them. And this daughter is 18, an adult.

What's the difference between hyposexual and graysexual?

picky eaters DO affect others - they are fucking hell on their parents, for one.

asexuals? fine, go ahead, don't fuck anyone. your loss. just don't get married to someone who's not asexual promising that you'll start fucking after the ceremony.

@23, THANK YOU! I am one of those apparently rare women who don't like receiving oral sex. (Well, it feels nice, like a back rub feels nice, but not particularly sexual, and after I while I am so bored I'm thinking maybe I should get up and do the dishes or something...) It makes me want to hit someone when someone tells me I just haven't had it done right and are so damn sure that they have the magic tongue that will make me like something I haven't liked ever, after trying it many times with many different people.

39/tachycardia, I'm sure there are also men who don't like receiving oral sex (although they're probably rare too.) In my experience with women, only one woman hasn't liked it...and she really didn't like it. She didn't even think, as you do, that it feels "nice." She seemed repulsed by the very idea. I didn't try to convince her that she just hadn't ever done it right or that I could finally be the one to make her see the light. Instead, as a guy who loves giving, I did the sensible thing: I quit seeing her.

Max @38: Picky eaters who are adults (or even teenagers) have the option to prepare their own food.

Roma @40: Yes, there are indeed men who don't like receiving oral sex, or more commonly people like Tachycardia who think it feels nice but will never have an orgasm from it. But well done you for recognising that you couldn't change your partner's mind, and seeking out someone more sexually compatible.

Cyntient @37: At a stab, hyposexuals have a low sex drive, and graysexuals feel sexual desire only for a tiny subset of humans and only after developing a strong emotional bond with them. So a graysexual could have a happy, sexual marriage if they found the right person, but a hyposexual had better find another hyposexual or else become the subject of one of Dan's myriad sexless marriage letters.