A question, sir, if I may. I'm a bi guy in my forties who enjoys swinging the other way more and more. I rarely do anal, and am always safe when I do, but my question involves oral. I absolutely love giving head, but how exactly do I do this and stay safe? People say always use a condom. But do people give head with condoms? What am I exposing myself to by giving head bareback? I don't want to get some type or oral STI, obviously. Any advice?

Please Insert Terrifically Catchy Handle

Another question in the same-ish vein...

My partner and I have been together for six years and we've been in monogamish for the last year. I am newly out as bi and only interested in sleeping with women at the moment. My partner and I have a strict rule about condom use: always for him and always with other male partners for me. But he has left it up to me to choose whether or not to use dental dams with women. I've received the HPV vaccines, we both get tested regularly, and we are fluid-bonded. I have only been with one woman so far, and used dams, but the experience was not the same. How do I do this? I want to be safe for my partner, myself, and the person(s) with which I’m having fun, but I also want more than to give/feel just the impression of a tongue. I sound like a shitty dude being like, “Latex is a boner-killer for me, I can’t!” I don’t want to be shitty, ever (fuck the patriarchy). So if someone wanted me to use dams, I would use them. But I really don't want to use dams. So do I just take the risk? Am I being shitty? Do I do the sensible thing and find other ways to have fun, and/or should I trust, too, in open communication with the potential folks I might rub up against?

Babe Indecisive

Twenty five years ago, at the height of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, when people were literally dying in droves, very few people—very few queer people—used condoms when giving blowjobs or dental dams when eating pussy, despite the best efforts of HIV/AIDS orgs to get everyone to use latex barriers for oral sex. Sucking cock and eating pussy was low risk for HIV and people seemed to conclude, en masse, that the relatively small risk contracting HIV through oral was worth the immediate pleasure of latex-free oral sex. And we're talking about steps we were being urged to take in order to protect ourselves from what was, at the time, a deadly virus that was cutting down tens of thousands annually. Even so, very few people used latex for oral. (Fun fact: I was one of the few—one of the ten or eleven gay men who used condoms for oral—and I was treated like a circus freak by my peers.)

Neither of you mention HIV in your questions, PITCH & BI, and it doesn't seem like you're particularly worried about HIV. You're worried about STIs generally—so here's something I told another reader about oral and STIs generally...

Oral sex is less risky. But you can contract and spread syphilis and gonorrhea and herpes and other STIs orally. Striking a reasonable balance between rewards and risks is something adults do all the time, POLLY, and it's certainly not unreasonable to conclude that the rewards of unprotected oral sex are worth the lesser-when-compared-to-unprotected-vaginal-or-anal risks of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. But don't make the mistake of hearing "no risk" when someone says "less risky." There are still risks. And the more people with whom you're having sex—and the more people the people with whom you're have sex are having sex—the greater your odds become of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

The only way to eliminate any and all risk of contracting an STI—the only way to be completely safe—is not have any kind of sex save phone or cyber, with anyone, ever. Not even a monogamous relationship can eliminates the risk of contracting an STI:

Being in a serious relationship has a lot of perks, but protection from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) may not be one of them. According to a recent study, couples in monogamous relationships are just as likely to get an STD than those who openly have multiple sexual partners. The reason for this surprising conclusion? Infidelity.

So in answer to your question, PITCH: By giving head "bareback" you risk exposure to all the awful STIs out there. Don't want to risk contracting an STI? Use condoms for oral or be stay home and jack off. But if you love giving head and hate sucking on condoms... accept the risks and suck the dicks. (And get tested regularly.)

And in answer to your question, BI: If you don't want to use the dams and if your partners are okay with not using dams and if you're comfortable with the risks... you don't have to use dams. So long as you're not pressuring anyone to go latex-free, so long as you're really asking and really listening and really willing to cheerfully use dams when requested, you aren't being shitty or patriarchal by putting your preference for dam-free oral on the table.