This is now the third time in as many months that I have attempted to write this letter—both my feelings towards my situation and the questions I have keep changing, so I’ve been struggling.

I have been with my husband for ten years, married for six. We have a six-month-old daughter. When I was about eight and half months pregnant, he admitted to having an affair throughout most of my pregnancy. Rather than end the affair after admitting to it, he tried to find a way to keep both our marriage and his relationship with this other woman intact. I felt trapped by the fact that the arrival of our daughter was imminent, and wasn’t able to do much but sit by and hope that he would figure out that this was not a healthy way (or time) to open our marriage. About two months into our daughter's life, he realized that his actions were creating emotional chaos for all parties involved, and ended the affair dead cold.

Understandably, we are still working through the aftermath. While the trust is slowly being rebuilt, where we are still struggling is our sexual connection. He met the other woman through Fetlife, and their connection was built on a D/s relationship focused on rough and degrading sex (nothing too varsity—light slapping, restraints, hair pulling, name calling). I have always been GGG, but he never talked to me about these interests, and decided on his own that he needed these interests fulfilled outside of our marriage. This was truly heartbreaking to me, as I would have been happy to explore these kinks with him, but he never gave me the chance.

Flash forward to today. Unlike most new moms, I was ready to jump back into bed early on. The affair has given us a chance to talk about sex and our interests, but my husband has been quite reticent to talk openly about these particular fetishes. I am still feeling incredibly insecure about my sexuality and my ability to keep him sexually engaged, which is why I keep asking him to share with me. We are having sex regularly, typically after me initiating, but he generally seems tired and bored, exacerbating my insecurity. Last night, I told him I wanted him to rough me up, and we engaged in some light BDSM play, but it felt like he was holding back. He’s said he’s enjoyed it all, including last night.

Is it foolish to keep pushing him to explore these interests with me? Should I take him at his word when he says he’s enjoying sex with me? How do I get back to feeling strong, sexy and confident again, and for him to get back to feeling excited and aroused by me? I really want us to enjoy sex with each other again. Should I just give it time?

Bay Area Mom

We say "give it time" like we have some other option—I mean, whatever you decide to do, BAM, you're gonna be given time. It, whatever it is, gets time whether I think time is a good idea or not.

Okay, okay: I know what you mean, BAM, I'm just being an insufferable little sophist; someone needs to come into my office and lightly slap me and pull my hair when I get like this. You mean, "Do I need to take some action now? And if so, what action should I take? Or do I wait and see if this problem doesn't work itself out in a few weeks/months/years?"

The answer to your question is yes, BAM, you should give it time. There's been a lot of upheaval and betrayal and drama in your lives over the last six months—the arrival of the baby, the exposure of the affair, the dragging out of the affair, the end of the affair—and while you're feeling a lot more open, forgiving, and sexual than the average victim of the affair/mother of the newborn might, your husband's tentativeness is perfectly understandable. If he's not a monster, BAM, your husband has to be struggling with all sorts of contradictory emotions—primarily guilt (hopefully guilt!) about what he did and when he chose to do it, BAM, and two different flavors of regret; regret over the hurt he caused you and the other woman (readers, please note: other women are also capable of feeling pain), and regret at what he's lost and without a doubt misses (the relationship with the other woman and the sexual connection he shared with her).

Summing up: What he was doing to her with his dick nearly blew up your marriage and could've screwed up the life his newborn child and now he's a little self-conscious and hesitant about what he's doing to you with his dick. Makes sense, right?

So, yeah, give him time... but how much time? Well, that depends on two things I can only guess at: Why your husband sought a kinky sex partner instead of taking his D/s interests to you and what's going through your husband's head when he's having sex with you now. We can only speculate...

Some kinksters have a hard time opening up about their kinks with people they hope to marry and start a family with. The emotional stakes are high and they don't want to risk getting dumped over something they've been told is "trivial," e.g. their kink(s). So they keep their mouths shut and a decade later they wake up married to someone—and often raising kids with that someone—who doesn't know who they are in one very important way. Only now the emotional/financial/familial stakes are so high that telling the truth feels impossibly dangerous. So they go online and meet someone who shares their kinks and have an affair because cheating seems less risky than revealing their kinks. Telling a spouse about your kinks ten years in is going to feel like—and will most likely be experienced by their spouses as—a deception and/or a very long con.

Or...

Your husband feels shame about his kinks and it was easier for him to be open with this woman because she knew who he was sexually before they'd even met (she'd read his profile). Since their kinks were shared, BAM, his shame was neutralized.

Or...

Your husband could have a VanillaMadonna/KinkyWhore complex—he could be one of those kinksters who can't do the degrading/rough stuff he fantasizes about with someone he loves, the mother of his children, someone who belongs up on a pedestal with his own mother. Light slapping, bondage, and verbal abuse are for casual partners, not spouses.

Or...

Your husband could be one of those kinksters turned off by the thought of being indulged. Being with someone who's going through the motions to please them—or someone they worry is going through the motions to please them—is a boner killer. They can only explore their kinks with others who share them. If this is the case, your husband could be reluctant to have kinky sex with you even now because he's worried about what's going through your head. Are you judging him? Are you doing it just to please and/or keep him? Are you turned off or annoyed or angry?

Or...

Your husband could be a cheating piece of shit who can't be trusted.

Blah blah blah. I could go on. I did go on. Now let's get to the advice section of the program, shall we?

Here's what you should you do while you give it/him/you two some time: You keep pushing your husband to open up about his kinks with you, BAM, while opening up to him about your kinks, if you have any. You take him at his word about his enjoyment of the sex your having (and initiating) now, BAM, while chalking up whatever awkwardness you perceive to guilt and regret.

You book a few sessions with a kink-positive marriage counselor—you can start looking for one at AASECT.org—so you can keep talking about the sex you're having while gently pressing your husband to open up about his kinks and fetishes and conflicts and issues. You do some reading about kink and you give some thought to getting a sitter down the road and going to some kinky events/readings/parties with your husband. And finally, BAM, you ask yourself what it will mean for your marriage if your husband is one of those kinksters who needs to explore his kinks with other kinksters.

Good luck.