First, thank you. I've read Savage Love for probably 15 years now and I made it out of my twenties disease-free and sane because of you. Thank you for all the guidance.

I'm a bi woman, currently married, and a CPOS. I've been with my husband for 8.5 years, married for 5 of them. I've cheated emotionally and physically a few times and was caught a few weeks ago. I had already been planning on leaving my husband but this accelerated things. We aren't in love anymore and we aren't happy. Sex with him kills my libido. Our needs aren't getting met.

I asked him for a divorce this week, but he had a response for every reason I had to split. And he actually listened to me for once, he didn't just hear me. He opened up (he's extremely private) and he wanted to give it one last shot. I agreed, because I really do love him and wish it would work. My problem is, I don't see him as a sexual being. Yeah he's cute and I know he has needs. I just don't look at him like I do other men (and the occasional lady). So how do I see my husband as sexual? I think this is my biggest hurdle. If I can, then I will be able to not cheat—or at least give it a fair shot.

Wants To Fix

P.S. Part of my issue is that he will not Dom me. He thought I wanted extreme bondage and turned me down. I want milder, verbal bondage—tell me what to cook for dinner and what panties to wear. He can't do it.

I could order your husband to Dom you and order you around, WTF, but would that help? Or would knowing he was “only” ordering you around 1. on my orders and 2. to please you/save your marriage (so really on your orders/out of desperation) turn you off?

Another question for you: Let's say there was a bonus man in your life, a regular third—someone who was more Dom, someone who enjoyed ordering you around and held strong opinions about what panties you wore. And let's say that other man ordered you to fuck your husband on the regular. Let's say he ordered you to fuck your husband three times to earn one fuck from him. Would it make fucking your husband seem sexier? Would following those orders gradually make your husband seem sexual again? Would it aid and abet your libido?—Dan

I think a more Dom friend, especially someone that I've already had that chemistry with, could do it. But I would be doing it to please my friend and not my husband. Is there a way I could look at my husband the same way I do other guys? It's almost like I've friend zoned my husband. I'm trying to be a reformed CPOS and see if we can work or at least know we tried before we ended our marriage. Being a CPOS is not something I'm proud of.—WTF

You’re defining “can work” as “can be sexually exclusive.” And I’m sitting here at Ann Landers' desk thinking letting go of sexual exclusivity may be the only way to make it work—letting go of sexual exclusivity and finding a way to bring your husband into the D/s dynamics that turn you on but don't exactly emanate from him. And, again, perhaps being ordered to fuck your husband might lead you to see your husband as a sexual being again and could create a sexual groove with your husband that gradually becomes independent of your D/s dynamic with the other dude.

Okay, okay: It's more D/s hallelujah pass than sure-fire fix, WTF, but it's the best I got.

Ultimately, WTF, if your husband can't or won't meet your sexual needs and being with him means your sexual needs go unmet—because they can't be met elsewhere—you’re going to leave your husband or cheat on him or (most likely) both. If you could be with him and get your needs met, WTF, you might not leave him. And if he represented freedom to you—sexual freedom—instead of dread (only him, forever, no sexy orders, no sexy others, panties of your choosing from here to eternity) your feelings for him, sexually speaking, might thaw/revive/spark.—Dan

I've seriously considered whether I'm meant for monogamy and I've asked for the relationship to be opened. After getting caught (horribly hilarious long story, but he ended up seeing a sext conversation as it was happening and then snooped and found old photos), he's considering it as a last resort.

I want to seriously try to fix the issues in the relationship before opening the marriage. We've both withdrawn and have become more companions than spouses. He still wants me sexually, but I don't want him. If I need more than one person, ok let's open it. If there's a way I can un-friend-zone him and he can meet my needs, great. The idea of him representing freedom to me sounds appealing.—WTF

Catch-22: He'll consider opening your marriage up after you two have fixed your marriage… but it sure sounds like sexual exclusivity is one of the problems in your marriage, if not the problem in your marriage (at least from your perspective). So you've essentially agreed to the impossible: Do the thing that might save your marriage after you've saved your marriage and not a moment before.

Look, WTF, you wanted an open marriage badly enough to open yours up unilaterally, i.e. you fucked other people behind your husband's back and without his consent. And you did this—you became a CPOS—because you weren’t happy in a closed marriage. I don’t see how you make your marriage work, given your feelings about your husband and your desire not to be limited to and by him. Circling back to your original email: "I had already been planning on leaving my husband.... We aren't in love any more... Sex with him kills my libido." That sounds pretty dire, WTF, and very likely terminal.

But then there's the next paragraph: "I really do love him and wish it would work."

Your husband said all the right things when you asked him for a divorce... but his ability to say all the right things hasn't translated to you feeling all the right things. You didn't want to fuck him when your marriage was closed; you didn't want to fuck him when your were being a CPOS and feeling bad about yourself. I think you're wasting your time and delaying the inevitable if you don't give the only thing you haven't tried a chance: an honest open marriage.—Dan

You're right, Dan. It is a catch 22. Sounds like I get to have that talk with him. Thankfully you've talked about having the "let's open the relationship" conversation a bunch over the years. I can search through the archives. I think I can piece it together. Thank you for listening and the advice. I cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart. Your advice, even when it wasn't for me, has been such a huge help in my life.—WTF