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I'm a 28-year-old gay male. My current boyfriend recently became upset about the fact that I occasionally looked at craigslist ads for masturbatory purposes for the first few months of our 8-month relationship. The thing is, we met via Craigslist, and two months into dating, I saw he had posted an ad. I actually found it because I had a "feeling" and lo and behold I was correct. I used it as an opportunity to discuss expectations, not to accuse him of anything. He denied he was actively trying to meet someone. That night he told me that he got off to Craiglist ads, too, and we agreed looking was very different from posting naked photos of ourselves with an invitation to our homes for all to see...

I thought maybe we'd bond over our voyeuristic/exhibitionist tendencies and was excited about this common interest. So of course, his being upset about this confuses me. He also recently got upset when he saw a text of mine that confirmed I had hooked up with someone a week after our first date. What he doesn't know is that I know he was hooking up with people during our first month of dating. There was a separate incident since we got together. What gives? I'm being accused of suspicious behavior when technically I've behaved according to our agreed-upon expectations and he's the one that stepped outside the bounds of it twice? Why?

Confused About Boyfriend's Objections

Because your boyfriend is an asshole, CABO.

Your boyfriend is one of those selfish, manipulative fucksplats who wants one set of rules for him (he gets to fuck around) and another set of rules for his boyfriend (you don't get to fuck around). Isn't it obvious?

You asked why he's like this, CABO, and I'm pretty sure I nailed it. Now here are some questions you need to ask yourself....

"Why am I putting up with this?"

"Why do I know relevant things about his behavior that he doesn't know I know?"

"Why didn't I bring up the guys he messed around with during our first month together when he freaked out about the guy I messed around with during our first week together?"

"Why haven't I discussed the 'separate incident' of the other dude's cock in the night?"

"Why haven't I confronted him about any of this shit?"

I'm thinking I might know the answer to that last question: Because you're afraid to lose him, CABO, and that fear has allowed him to manipulate you with his anger (leaving you afraid to confront him)—or, hey, maybe you're the kind of person who shies away from confrontation generally (which he may or may not be aware of but he's certainly benefiting from).

No more, CABO. It's time to confront your boyfriend. Tell him everything you know and then tell him you're not going to put up with this. You want an egalitarian relationship where you're both equally free and/or equally restrained—and equally honest—but not you're not sticking around for some sort of non-consensual/non-aboveboard/non-fun cuckolding relationship where he polices your browser history when he's not fucking around behind your back.

But to be perfectly honest, CABO, the best advice for someone with a jealous, manipulative, and controlling boyfriend can be found here.