I committed to my partner—agreed to plan our lives and goals around the concept of being together indefinitely—and married them (for tax benefits and hospital visitation rights) within the last two years. We don't define this commitment as most do, i.e. we are not religious, we don't want to make babies, we don't think being together forever and ever is that important. Over the last year I have asked my partner if we can write down what our commitment means to us, i.e. what our expectations are, what our goals for our relationship are, etc. He is adamant in refusing, saying that everything is open for discussion and we should figure it out as we go. Basically he does not want rules and contracts. Also: I was honest about my preference for open relationships from the beginning but agreed at the start of our marriage to be monogamous. I did knowing he was OK with being open before we married and that he is supposedly open to negotiation on anything. But when I broached the topic recently he became upset and said I had agreed to a "monogamous marriage."

I have been impressed with the way you look at the constant negotiation of marriage and commitment. Can you please offer some advice on how these negotiations go? Written down or mediated? Why are people so terrible about making assumptions about what commitment means?

Commitment Is Difficult

Some couples write down their expectations about an impending or proposed commitment, CID, while some discuss their expectations with a mediator, i.e. a pre-marital counselor, the person who's going to marry them, their trusted Magic 8 Ball. But most couples simply discuss their expectations privately—they articulate their wants, needs, deal breakers, etc., to each other. But these discussions about what commitment means to both halves of a couple take place before the wedding, CID, not after.

So, yeah, you're kinda fucked. Your spouse isn't interested in defining what your commitment means because they want everything to be open for discussion and figuring out as you go along... except that one thing you thought you'd discussed with them before the wedding: your preference for open relationships. Monogamy, unlike everything else, isn't open for discussion.

A marriage is either open or it isn't. There's no middle ground between your spouse's position and yours on this issue. Your spouse might come around in time, CID, but how long are you willing to wait and how long are you willing to be monogamous? If this is something you want resolved now, well, then someone is gonna lose: you insist on non-monogamy and your spouse unhappily relents or your spouse insists on monogamy and you unhappily relent.

You might wanna see a couples counselor, CID, to work through this issue. But I suspect you'll be seeing a divorce lawyer in the end.