Huh. I was expecting DTMFA. Dan's nicer than I am.

No big mystery here. Unlike when the LW tops, the LW can face away from a top. Then they don't have to hear him drone on and on and on.

Anal *every* time LW has sex or hooks up? Unusual according to Science on MSM.

And Boy is a Bottom is *such* a cute song. Puhlease, girrrl (or should I say bro), get off your judgmental horse.

Maybe this is your first relationship in a couple of years because you're overthinking things when you're alone, and under-communicating when you're together? Or over-processing when you do communicate with the BF? And maybe it's the kind of guys you're dating if they pigeonhole you?

Keep it simple.

@2 ha! you win the thread!

@3 myself, pigeonhole should be slang for some kind of sex act.

(Well urban dictionary says it is already, but not one I've ever heard of.)

@4: so of course I had to go and look.

urbandictionary: "When a man in a fivesome with one girl [does some things with a bunch of orifices]".

I'm going to go out on a limb and say there aren't a whole lot of consensual fivesomes with one girl in the real world.

@2: Hmm. I found the lw's level of introspection, thoughtfulness, and self-awareness coupled with such great articulation to be a refreshing change from the usual.

@1: Yeah. I like the whole "noun vs. verb" part of Dan's answer, and of course, almost everyone could be told to be more assertive, so that's always good, but this bf sounds willfully obtuse and ultra-casually insensitive and unconcerned with the lw's feelings or preferences in any way. So it was a very clear case of "Be more assertive and DTMFA!" I don't know why Dan didn't do that.

@6, NoCute: Not disagreeing with your assessment of his introspection. I appreciate that putting thoughts and feelings into words can be helpful whether it is to Dan, one's journal, or a licensed therapist. But I'm not getting paid $140/hour an hour to listen to him.

Are we shaking out along stereotypical girl/boy lines? "tell me your feelings" versus "state the nature of your (fixable) problem."? Suggesting it is good thing I'm an engineer and not a therapist!

Looking at this from the perspective of a hetero woman, it all seems to boil down to "Your boyfriend is an asshole" - it's one of those things we het woman get pretty good at spotting.

You let him know how you feel, and he's been dismissive and defensive. The reaction of a non-asshole would be something like "I didn't realize you felt that way, of course we'll have to take turns or otherwise mix things up more" not "that's not my problem".

DTMFA

@2,7: I'm with nocute @6 on finding his level of reflection refreshing, though I think there's also likely some connection between it and his issues with asserting himself with this boyfriend, since he seem to see both sides compulsively and bf does not sound like he's seeing any side but his own.

And David, he has stated both the nature of the fixable problem and what it would take to fix it: switching. If the bf can't or won't hear that, that's on him.

If the reason bf can't or won't hear LW is that he tunes out when LW also talks about how the problem makes him feel, then he has no business dating people who feel and express emotions. If he doesn't care about his partner's satisfaction, and won't or can't do what his partner needs, he is the problem.

LW, when he gets what he wants every time or sex just doesn't happen, and you only get to bottom when you actually want to top roughly half the time, that's not a compromise. It's you missing out on something that's important to you, for his convenience. It's you being put in a position (scuse pun) where you only get to express one side of what you're about sexually.

If he thinks bottoming when you'd prefer to top is not a bit deal, and nothing to be thrown off by, why won't he do it? Is it just no big deal when it happens to you and not him?

Since it's a pattern with multiple guys that they start out vers and then the partner wants to top only, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that maybe he's not that great at topping... maybe he's too big or too small or too gentle or too rough or has no rhythm. Try asking an ex?

@10 Even if that is true, they should discuss it instead of bf being dismissive of letter writers concerns and insisting on having his own way all the time. It's what mature adults do. I don't remember how old the letter writer is, or if he stated how long they have been together, but speaking as someone who has been married for over 15 years, there are going to be problems sometimes. Sex isn't going to be great for both parties 100% of the time, and when someone has an issue, it is important for them to express it and for their partner to really listen so they can come up with a solution together. I have to agree with nocute and stranger, if a bf acted that way toward me they would lose bf status.

What the boyfriend's not doing here is he's not taking the LW's wants as having some inherent validity because he wants them. Does that make him an asshole?

The judgement might depend on the type of relationship, but the action is about the same. If this is a more casual mutually-objectivising thing, then IMO he can say "this is what I want", and you can say "bye." And probably should, unless there's something awesome. Sounds like you can get bottom action elsewhere if that's what's here.

If this is aiming for a committed partner type of relationship, the boyfriend's doing that wrong. What your partner wants matters, even if you disagree with them.

In either case: probably going to work better to move on, sorry. You can try carefully managing things and see if it works, if you want, but it's really not your job here. You were clear, he blew you off, take the next step.

I just wanted to agree with some commenters in saying that I think the LW seems like a lovely man and I'd date him. His boyfriend is not being very considerate, and LW needs to stand up to him more. But LW should certainly not feel bad for being himself and not super masculine or dominant. He sounds adorable, and the right man will appreciate him just the way he is.

I always find myself being cast as the role of a bottom in hookups and relationships.

LW: Perhaps you've heard the expression: "No matter where you go, there you are." I suspect that you approach all your encounters with a self-fulfilling expectation of bottoming, and you may be transmitting that message unconsciously.

May I suggest that the next time you want to top, you think of it as a role-playing exercise. Put on your, uh, "top hat" and become that assertive, dominating, possibly assholish guy that you don't allow yourself to be in normal life.

Tachy @11: 24, and two months. Which, yeah, if they're already falling into a rut sexually and BF already is blowing off LW's concerns about their sex life, would seem to put him squarely in the 90-day money-back-guarantee period.

Agree with Saxfanatic: If men are reading LW as a bottom (perhaps he's subconsciously attracted to only dominant guys?), he should probably start by declaring himself a top instead of "versatile." Our resident gay men can speak to this better than I can, but I've heard gay men joke that "versatile means bottom." Start out topping your guys, and then when they get used to seeing you in that role, you can start switching it up. And what Dan says -- you can have lots of hot gay sex without anyone's asshole involved. Experiment and have fun!

I gotta add a 'DTMA' to this one.

Dan's right about being more assertive, but I think you should also be more assertive with *someone else*. You've only been seeing this guy for two months. If it were me, I'd take 'dismissive of my feelings', 'not as concerned with my pleasure as I am with his', and 'assumes I'm blaming him when I just want him to understand me' as super red flags. Two months is still honeymoon phase, relationship-wise. In my experience, it's normal for people to be on their super best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, and then later you'll start to see some of their less-best personality traits as well and deal with those as they come (as they'll no doubt deal with yours.) Point is, if this is the kind of self-centered, dismissive attitude he has NOW, time is probably not going to improve matters.

@16 yep. LW, I think you can do better. Find someone who gives as much consideration to their partners as you do to yours. Your 20s are the time when you figure out who you are and what makes you happy. You seem to have a pretty good start on both fronts--don't waste energy on someone who is dismissive of your needs. This is a big deal for you--own it and don't settle for a selfish lover.

I think the LW should dump the guy. Only together for a couple months and they are already having arguments about things like this and the bf is being rather dismissive about the other guys feelings and being passive aggressive "If i don't want to bottom we just won't have sex"....after two months if a guy said that to me I would be like "see you later bitch".....

Move to Utah.....gay Mormons love to bottom...not enough tops to go around. I am more of a top myself and I have rarely ran into an issue with fooling around with someone I wasn't compatible with.

Poor lamb.

I'm going to take the flip side of Ms Fan's guess and speculate that LW is perhaps only/mainly attractive to dominant men or the dominant sides of versatile men. If we could be allowed a different context for the carpet's not matching the drapes, that can be a difficult. I'm almost surprised but probably encouraged that Mr Savage didn't just tell LW to redecorate.

I wish the whole of the response had been in the tone of telling LW not to un-noun tops and bottoms. The opening snark feels like a virtue signal lest people think he's being too nice to a LW he seems to want or expect the readers to dislike.

To say something not yet mentioned, the bit about, "You're good at X and like it, so you should be happy to X all the time, especially since I'd much rather Y," might have been met with the question whether BF might prefer LW to go outside the relationship when inclined to Y. Secondly, it reminds me a little of the passage in The Abstinence Teacher about how dinner has defaulted into being always chicken.

And, just because someone ought to pay some attention, it was paragraph seven.

@19, interesting take. The option to seek different roles elsewhere within the confines of a relationship is a good suggestion. However, I can't help but think these guys are just not compatible and that a dismissive partner isn't a good candidate for navigating a monogamish relationship fairly.

The BF is not only dismissive, he also seems to get off on (non-consensually) humiliating the LW:

he used these very emasculating and diminutive words while he was topping me.

I'd say DTMFA and find a more compatible BF.

@22 - I find your lack of sanity refreshing.

You're not thinking about having kids, we hope.

LW, your BF is trying to control you with the implied threat that your refusal to bottom => no sex as a couple, which you correctly assess as the beginning of the end of your relationship. I like Venn @19's idea of counter-proposing that you be allowed to top other men, since you are not getting the kind of sex you want and need from BF at home. If BF blows a fuse over that suggestion (or if outside relationships are not your cup of tea), I think it may be time for you to DTMFA. Engaging in demeaning and emasculating sex talk whenever he tops you would not bother some men, but clearly you interpret it as BF's way of hetero-norming the sex and reinforcing the idea that you are a natural bottom - and I don't think you are going to find that habit less irritating as time passes, even if your sexual roles were to become more equitable again, which I doubt they will. If you are this dissatisfied at the two-month mark, well...it DOESN'T get better.

There are plenty of good men out there who would leap at the chance to partner up with a GGG, versatile, attractive fellow like yourself. You sound like someone who takes pleasure in pleasing his partner, and you deserve the same in return. So why are you selling yourself short and compromising your own sexual identity by hanging out with Mr. Selfish? As Juju @17 points out, your 20s are a time for exploration and self-discovery. This relationship is not clearly not easy or happy for you, and it is unlikely to change for the better. But it has already taught you valuable lessons about what you will need to have an easy, happy relationship in the future – with someone else. Take those lessons learned, pack them carefully in your suitcase, and move on.

"Relationships are work" ought to mean they're work that on the whole you like and find fulfilling. Relationship like a shitty soul-sucking telemarketing job should not use the "work" phrase as an excuse.

LW, adding to what several people have said above, and back to DavidInKenai's "state the nature of the (fixable) problem" point @7: if you wouldn't be happy expressing your toppishness only outside your relationship, or if your boyfriend won't agree to opening things or switching with you, remember that he has been able to switch, with you, before. His current approach amounts to unilaterally changing that without taking you into account.

If you need a partner who can keep switching, and to be recognized for both sides of you, picking partners accordingly seems better in the long run. And pick people who appreciate your thoughtfulness, your consideration, and your whole self. If how you present doesn't say "top" to some people and it's still how you want to be, pick people who like and recognize tops even if they don't act "standard" toppy, and who get both sides of you as you are.

Expanding your range beyond activities that fit top/bottom divisions is fine in itself and if you want to do it. But if you need to express both your top and bottom sides, just stepping outside those positions may not be all you need. If your current relationship doesn't meet your needs, that's usually reason enough for a no-fault ending all by itself, let alone for a partner who's been told what you need to be happy, could provide it, and chooses not to.

Keep in mind that topping is a combination of eliciting consent from your bottoming partner and then consuming that consent. Assertiveness is not being aggressive, and forcefulness is not being violent - both assertiveness and forcefulness work with consenting partners, and don't go over the partner's limits (although they sometimes move the limits towards more intensity).

With this guy - next time you have sex, tell him to top you as if he were his own fantasy of a perfect top, the kind of man he most wants to bottom for. Tell him to just go for it, no holding back, and see what he does - and go along enthusiastically with whatever happens unless it's physically dangerous. For you, this is essential research.

And then think about it, and see how what he did is different from how you are as a top, and think about what it would be like to work that technique/attitude/whatever into your own topping repertory - would it work for you?

Also if, as you say, you love butts, think about expanding your relationship with butts (maybe his, maybe the next guy's). Some men aren't as easily butt-satisfied as others, and getting dick fucked isn't as pleasurable as it is for other men. Well, that's why you've got hands! I've known several short, slender, non-macho men who loved butts, loved topping, and were in great demand as fisting tops and romantic interests. The dynamic in that world greatly favors creative, intense tops, and is not so stereotype-bound.

Before rejecting this thought out of hand, keep in mind - whatever you imagine fisting to be like, it's not like that. Just like no one can accurately imagine the taste of lobster who's never eaten one, no one can accurately imagine either side of fisting who's never done it. It can be intensely wonderful on both sides.

Good luck with this guy, and good luck going forward.

Well I think #22 clearly has won this comments section.

So I've kind of got the same problem from the opposite angle. I get typecast as a top (largely because I'm older and a pretty big guy and just come across that way I guess. Also there are a lot of bottoms out there). I'm very versatile. This used to bother me until I figured out what was wrong with my thinking.

You see, by worrying so much about whether this hot guy I'm with is going to go for my ass, I was really really focused on my own "script" for how I wanted sex to go. That's (a) stupid, because real life does not conform to our fantasies, and (b) selfish, because if I'm all hung up on what I want, then I'm not concentrating on Mr. Awesome who's in the process of getting naked with me.

So what I started doing was being prepared for most eventualities (which does mean being nice and clean and ready to bottom) but approaching our get-togethers with absolutely no preconceptions at all, except that we'd end up enjoying each other's company somehow.

Sometimes that means cracking open a few beers and just hanging out and talking all night long. Sometimes that means intense romantic snuggling and kissification. Sometimes that means I'm going to tear his asshole wide open while swinging from the fabulous chandelier in my bedroom, or vice versa. Sometimes it's something a little more kinky.

But the point is I don't have a clue how the night is going to play out...we just play off each other and follow the vibe. And guess what? The sex is a hell of a lot better.

Why do crazy people always shout?

LW, this guy is dismissive, selfish and manipulative. He has little interest in making sex the best for you, it's all about what he wants.
DTMFA! You deserve better.

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel, if you're up front with prospective partners about what you like, want, need in a relationship, and they agree, then expect them to respect you enough to not do a switch, and then gaslight you and make you question yourself. Get some good boots, kick him in the ass, and get walking.

@14 Exactly - he's the common denominator in his sex life.

@32 I had a similar thought. I can't help but wonder at the language the LW uses - being "cast as a bottom" and the way he describes "going along" with the wishes of his partners. He's ultimately in charge of how / whether he has sex with someone, and given the stereotypes that abound with topping / bottoming I'm guessing the passive attitude has a lot to do with how things are turning out. I'm guessing that when he tops it would be better to spend less time fretting over his partner and make sure there is equal effort put into his own needs.

He wrote a very thoughtful letter, but I got stuck on the first line "I'm a 24 year old gay man and I've had this problem for most of my life:" Really? Doing the math it would seem that he has been considered a bottom by his sex partners since before he was 11 or 12 years old. Or, perhaps he is just a nice young guy with a tendency for exaggeration. I suspect he will eventually find folks who appreciate that he can and does top, but it may not be until he is really really old (like maybe even 28). But to find those guys, I think he needs to DTMFA and get out there.

"And then when we were having sex he tried to make me feel better by saying how cute and pretty I was."

You ungrateful wretch!

@32-34: doesn't the other party have the option to say if they have issues with the way he tops? If I knew topping was important to a partner and the way they did it wasn't working for me, dodging by never letting them top instead of trying suggestions of how their topping could work better for both of us seems like a lazy and not very grownup way to handle things.

@39, if it's an unfixable problem and it's preventing something that's important to your partner, like being able to be vers is to LW, you're at best on borrowed time anyway.

If it's actually a fixable problem but you can't work out how to raise it or they can't work out how to hear it without bad hurt, ditto.

If it's unfixable for either of those reasons and your solution is to keep going in the hope they don't catch on why you're dodging, ditto.

Unless they're either too dim or too under your thumb to catch on. Or unless there's one hell of another good outweighing reason for both of you to keep going. Personally, catching on and feeling like I wasn't just being fibbed at but expected to buy it or too fragile to handle reality would hurt worse than most things. YMMV.

Whichever way, it's one hell of an argument for finding out if you're sexually compatible early and mutually deciding accordingly.

The LW's boyfriend is knowingly frustrating and gaslighting him. That's not kind, or okay, whether they're in it for the long term or not. Nobody needs to date or get laid so badly they get to skip basic decency.