Why can't I seem to date a guy who likes anal sex? Is it a Seattle thing? Is it a mid-late twenties thing? Is it because I'm a bad top? I'm a healthy, attractive, twenty-something with a pretty penis and a nice complexion in the gayest city in America who just wants someone to sit on my face and enjoy it. The problem is I keep finding myself in relationships that otherwise have wicked fun synergy, save for the part when I want to play with his butthole; the response is continually less than encouraging. The obvious answer, of course, is to just keep poking around until I find something that fits, but this pattern is starting to give me a complex and I want to know if perhaps I'm doing it wrong. Do shy sphincters abound in the gay community? I love butt stuff and I'd just like to find a nice boy who shares my perverted fantasies. Grindr culture is a drag, I'm not into rando hookups, and I'm not going to Purr because it smells like farts in there—is there hope for a frisky and forlorn queerdo seeking healthy, connected, flip-flop fun?

The Clench

Our week of non-Trump related SLLOTDs continues...

I'm sure you're a smart, smutty twenty-something with a drop-dead gorgeous ween, TC, but let me first clarify that anal sex isn't a "perverted fantasy." (Maybe you were referring to your other perverted fantasies—and if you have them, good for you! But, all on its own, anal sex doesn't qualify as perverted. Unless you're Mike Pence.) Anal sex—like all types of sex—is sticky and intense and sometimes messy and not everyone is going to be into it. Not even all gay men are into anal sex. And no one bursts out of the closet ready to power bottom. That's a skill, TC, one that takes time and dedicated practice to acquire.

And, hey, maybe your past couple of partners haven't been into bottoming or into bottoming with you or into bottoming on the first date. Don't let a string of bad luck turn into a complex. And remember: You can help guys get into bottoming by being relaxed and comfortable when you're topping, setting a good example when bottoming (by being assertive about your safety, pleasure, and comfort while bottoming), and setting a good example when anal isn't on the menu (by seamlessly pivoting to some of the other stuff gay men like to do without pouting—remember: the guy who isn't up for anal tonight might be up for it next time).

Based on your letter, it sounds like you're relationship-focused. That's great, if you're into that sort of thing! But don't shit on Grindr or Purr or farts or rando hookups. Grindr can be a useful tool, Purr is always crowded (so it must have something to recommend it), farts can be hilarious (and some people are actually into them), and Rando hookups can lead to lasting, loving, committed relationships (ahem). A lot of gay Seattlelites who love bottoming also love rando hookup-ing, Grindr-ing, and drinking at Purr, TC, and most have to fart once in a while (because they're human and stuff). Writing off guys for those reasons isn't going to shorten your search.

Yes, there are issues to gripe about with Grindr (and gay bars and farts), but don't piss on it, TC (at least not without its permission). You know what's great about Grindr? You can ask for what you want! And you know what happens? Especially in the GAY city of Seattle? People respond! Some politely! And some will wanna give you what you want! Hookup apps make some users anxious and some asshole-ish. They're not for everybody and they don't bring out the best in everyone. But I encourage you to get past your hang-ups so you can hookup. And, again, look the fuck around (and not just at Amazon): lots of great, lasting, loving relationships got their starts as hookups.